There
is a subject that captures the attention of men almost instantly: sex.
Yet beneath the humor, curiosity, and physical desire lies a much deeper
question: How do a husband and wife build a sexual relationship that becomes
richer, safer, more satisfying, and more meaningful with time?
The
answer is not simply about what happens in the bedroom. A healthy sex life is
built throughout the entire marriage—through trust, affection, sacrifice,
communication, patience, and a willingness to understand one another.
The
central message is simple: If you want things to come alive at night, you
have to be willing to die a little during the day.
That
is the Paradox Principle: sometimes you have to set aside what you want in
order to create the kind of relationship you truly want.
I.
MEN, WOMEN, AND SEX
A.
The Differences
Men
and women often approach sexuality from very different perspectives. Research emphasizes
that men tend to think about sex much more frequently than women, illustrating
just how differently the two sexes can experience sexual desire.
The
difference itself is not the problem. The problem begins when we assume that
our spouse experiences sexuality exactly as we do.
Marriage
requires more than desire. It requires understanding. A husband must learn to
understand how his wife experiences intimacy, while a wife must learn to
understand how her husband experiences sexual desire. Neither perspective
should simply be dismissed.
The
goal is not for one spouse to win. The goal is for both spouses to understand
each other well enough to build a relationship in which both can flourish.
B.
The Question: How Do You Manage Your Sexuality?
Sexual
desire is powerful. That makes the question of management critically important.
The real issue is not whether a man has sexual desire. The question is: What
will he do with it?
When
sexuality is unmanaged—when desire is allowed to operate without boundaries,
commitment, wisdom, or self-control—it can destroy what a person has spent
years building.
1. WMD
or WMG?
Mismanaged
sexuality can result in betrayal, broken trust, damaged reputation, destroyed
families, painful consequences, and profound loss. this as a WMD: a Weapon of
Mass Destruction. But sexuality does not
have to become destructive.
When
it is directed toward one's spouse within a committed marriage, it can become a
WMG—a Wonderful Masculine Gift.
The
difference is not the power of sexuality. The difference is how that power is
managed.
Sexuality
is powerful enough to build intimacy—and powerful enough to destroy it. That is
why boundaries matter.
Sex
within marriage is good and God-given when it is handled responsibly and
faithfully. This gives us an important principle: Power without discipline
becomes destructive. Power guided by love becomes a gift.
“Oh, how beautiful and delightful you are, my love. Your breasts are like clusters and I will take hold of them. And your mouth tastes like the best wine.” Songs of Solomon 7:6-8
This is not a preview of some HBO special. That is a quote from the Bible. Let her breasts satisfy you at all times. Be absolutely drunk with her love. That is not Playboy 5:19 that is Proverbs 5:19.
2. The Challenge Today for Single Men
For single men, the challenge is learning to manage sexual desire before marriage rather than allowing desire to manage them.
Marriage
is the appropriate context for sexual expression and I encourage single men to
view what you are learning as preparation for your future. That perspective
changes everything.
Instead
of asking, “How can I get what I want?” A man begins asking: “What kind of man
am I becoming?” That is the deeper question of maturity.
II.
WHAT EVERY HUSBAND WISHES HIS WIFE UNDERSTOOD ABOUT HIM SEXUALLY
Every
husband is different, but here are five things wives should understand about
male sexuality.
A.
My Sex Drive Is Powerful, Persistent and Normal.
Men
often experience sexual desire as a strong and recurring part of their lives. This
desire is not necessarily evidence that something is wrong with a man; rather,
it is part of how men are wired. Understanding this can remove unnecessary
shame and misunderstanding. But understanding does not mean excusing
irresponsibility.
A man's
sexual drive may be powerful, but he is still responsible for how he manages
it. Desire is not a license. Desire is something that must be governed by
character.
B.
Sex Is to Me What Affection Is to You: My #1 Need. One Empowers the Meeting of
the Other.
Sex
may function as a primary need for a husband, while affection may function as a
primary need for his wife. When either spouse continually ignores the other's
needs, distance grows.
This
creates what can become either a life cycle or a death spiral. When a husband
gives affection, his wife feels loved and connected. When a wife feels loved
and connected, she may be more open to sexual intimacy.
When a
husband experiences sexual intimacy, he may feel closer and more connected to
his wife. And that closeness makes affection easier. The cycle continues.
But
the opposite can also happen. A husband withholds affection. His wife feels
disconnected. She becomes less responsive sexually. He feels rejected. He
withdraws further. She feels even less loved. And the cycle deteriorates. So
the question becomes: Who should go first?
The
answer is the Paradox Principle. Someone has to choose to die a little to
selfishness in order to bring the relationship back to life.
C.
Sex, for Me, Is a Grand Oasis in the Midst of Everyday Life.
Marriage
can become heavy. Bills. Work. Children. Responsibilities. Deadlines. Pressure.
In the middle of all of that, sexual intimacy can become a place where husband
and wife reconnect, laugh, relax, and enjoy one another.
Sex is
an oasis—a place of fun and escape from the weight of everyday
responsibilities. That is an important reminder: Marriage should not become
nothing but responsibility.
Husband
and wife still need moments where they simply enjoy each other. Intimacy can
remind a couple that they are not merely co-workers managing a household. They
are lovers, companions, and friends.
D.
Satisfying Sex Reassures Me in My Manhood.
For
many men, sexual intimacy can communicate something deeper than physical
pleasure. It can communicate acceptance. It can communicate desirability. It
can communicate, “You are still my man.”
There
is a connection between satisfying sexual intimacy and a man's sense of
confidence and masculine identity. That does not mean a man's worth should
depend on sexual performance. His worth is far bigger than that.
But
within marriage, affirmation from a spouse can have enormous emotional power. A
husband's victories at work may disappear. His confidence may be shaken. He may
fail. He may lose. But coming home to a wife who communicates love, desire,
respect, and acceptance can help restore something inside him.
E.
Real Sexual Fulfillment for Me Is Impossible Unless I Can Sexually Fulfill You.
A
husband should not define sexual fulfillment merely by his own pleasure. The
deeper fulfillment comes from knowing that his wife is also experiencing
intimacy, connection, and pleasure.
That
changes the mindset completely. Instead of: “What can I get?” the mature
husband asks: “How can I love my wife well?”
Sexual
maturity is therefore not selfishness with better technique. It is generosity
expressed through intimacy.
III.
BEFORE PLAY: THE FEMININE VIAGRA
A.
Key Principle: Husbands Need Sex to Feel Close to Their Wives, but Wives Need
Daily Closeness to Feel Like Having Sex With Their Husbands.
Husbands
often experience sex as a pathway to emotional closeness, while wives may need
emotional closeness before they feel sexually ready. That means a husband
cannot simply focus on what happens at night.
For
many wives, the preparation for intimacy begins hours before bedtime. How did
you speak to her? Did you notice her? Did you help? Did you listen? Did you
show affection? Did you make her feel safe? Did you communicate that she
matters? The bedroom does not exist in isolation from the rest of the marriage.
B.
Everyday Ways to Keep Your Wife Excited About Sex With You
1.
Reassure Her With Words and Displays of Affection.
Tell
her that you love her. Show her that you love her. Never underestimate the
power of sincere words. A wife should not have to guess whether she is loved. Tell
her. Show her. Repeat it.
2.
Daily Practice “The Romance” of One Small Sacrifice.
Romance
is not always expensive. Sometimes romance looks like washing dishes. Sometimes
it means putting the children to bed. Sometimes it means fixing the thing she
has asked you to fix for months. Small sacrifices communicate something profound:
“You matter enough for me to serve you.” These small acts can register deeply
with a wife.
3.
Give Her Regular, Focused Time.
Turn
off the television. Put down the phone. Look at your wife. And say: “Let's
talk.” Focused attention is a powerful
form of connection. Sometimes intimacy begins long before anyone enters the
bedroom. It begins with attention.
4.
Speak Her Love Language Often.
Do not
assume your wife knows she is loved simply because you feel love for her. Learn
how she receives love. Then speak that language consistently. Love that is
never communicated can become invisible.
5.
Surprise Her With a Gift Out of the Ordinary.
A
note. Flowers. A thoughtful surprise. A getaway. The value is not necessarily
in the price. The message is: “I was thinking about you.”
6.
Surprise Her by Initiating Something She Likes to Do.
Sometimes
love means doing something you would not have chosen for yourself because you
know it matters to her. That is maturity. Love does not always ask, “What do I
want to do?” Love sometimes asks: “What would delight the person I love?”
7.
Stay Actively Involved in Loving Your Children.
Your
relationship with your children affects your relationship with your wife.
There
is a connection between a husband's active involvement with his children and
his wife's response to him. When a man loves his children well, his wife can
experience that as love directed toward the whole family. Being a present
father is therefore not separate from being a loving husband. They are
connected.
8.
Keep Your Relationship Free of Unresolved Conflict.
Unresolved
conflict destroys intimacy. When resentment is building during the day, it is
unrealistic to expect deep emotional and physical connection at night. If the
relationship becomes cold, intimacy in the bedroom can become cold as well. Deal
with issues. Apologize. Forgive. Talk. Repair. Do not allow small wounds to
become permanent walls.
C.
The Above Is the Beginning Point of Sex for Every Wife.
The
eight practices above are not tricks for getting sex. They are practices for building
marriage.
If you
want things to come alive at night, you’ve gotta die a little during the day. That
is the Paradox Principle again.
You
sacrifice selfishness. You gain intimacy.
You
give attention. You receive connection.
You
serve. You strengthen the relationship.
You
die a little—and the marriage comes alive.
IV.
HOW TO HELP YOUR WIFE ENJOY SEX WITH YOU
A.
Start With the Perspective That My Wife and I Are Not at the Same Place
Sexually.
One of
the greatest mistakes a husband can make is assuming that his wife's sexual
experience is identical to his.
There’re
four stages:
- Arousal
- Love making
- Intercourse
- Orgasm
Yet
men and women can experience these stages very differently. Understanding that
difference requires patience. It requires listening. It requires learning.
1.
Many Wives Enter Marriage Sexually Inexperienced.
Sexual
experience and sexual arousal are not necessarily the same thing. A person may
have had sexual experiences without having developed a deep, secure
understanding of sexual intimacy.
For
some women, deep sexual openness is connected to safety, trust, security, and
commitment. Therefore, a husband should not treat his wife like someone who is
supposed to automatically understand everything he understands. Marriage is a
place of learning together.
2.
Many Husbands Enter Marriage Believing His Wife Enjoys Sex at the Same Level He
Does.
That
assumption can create tremendous frustration. Husbands should recognize that
their wives may begin from a very different place sexually and may need time,
patience, attentiveness, and security to grow in confidence and enjoyment.
A
mature husband does not pressure his wife to arrive instantly at his level. He
walks with her. He listens. He learns. He protects. He gives her time. And he
celebrates her growth.
B.
Keep the Perspective That Arousal Is the Key to Your Wife's Sexual Experience
With You.
Arousal
is important for a woman's sexual experience and female arousal may be more
complex and relational than male arousal. That means a husband should not think
only about the final moment. He should think about the entire journey.
1.
Arousal for You:10 Seconds
Male
arousal is as extremely quick like a microwave. The point is not the literal
number. The point is the contrast. Men can often respond very quickly.
2.
Arousal for Her:10 Points
The points
accumulate throughout the day: taking out the trash, giving a hug, helping with
responsibilities, paying attention, and building connection.
The
lesson is powerful: For many wives, intimacy is built through hundreds of
small moments.
The
way you treat her at breakfast matters. The way you speak to her in the car
matters. The way you help with the children matters. The way you respond when
she is stressed matters. The way you look at her matters. The way you listen
matters.
All of
these moments contribute to the emotional environment in which intimacy can
flourish.
C.
Establish a Track Record of Being Safe in Bed.
Safety
creates freedom. When a wife knows that her husband will respect her
boundaries, listen to her, and never pressure her, she can relax more deeply.
Five
practical principles for establishing that safety.
1.
Never Force Anything.
Never
force sexual activity. Never pressure. Never manipulate. Forced sexual
experimentation can damage trust, a wife's comfort and pace should be
respected. Consent, trust, and safety must come before experimentation. A
husband should want his wife to participate freely—not reluctantly.
2.
Stay Pain Free.
Physical
pain should never be ignored. It is important to ensure that intercourse is
comfortable and adequate lubrication is recommended when needed.
Pain
should be treated as information, not something to endure silently. If
discomfort continues, a couple should communicate openly and seek appropriate
professional medical advice.
3.
Know What She Likes and What She Doesn't.
Do not
guess. Ask. Listen. Husbands should to communicate with their wives and give
them permission to express what feels good and what does not.
One of
the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is the freedom to tell you the
truth without fear. Great intimacy requires great communication.
4.
Don't Rush or Overly Concentrate on Hot Spots.
Advance
patience, variety, and attentiveness rather than rushing toward a specific
outcome. The lesson is broader than technique: Slow down enough to notice your
spouse. Intimacy is not a race.
5.
Use Words to Compliment and Reassure.
Encouragement
matters. When your wife does something that helps create intimacy, let her
know. When she is learning, encourage her. When she is beautiful, tell her. When
you appreciate her, say it. Husbands should use words that compliment and
reassure their wives.
V.
SOME FINAL THOUGHTS
A.
You Are the Keeper of Your Sex Life.
A
healthy marriage requires responsibility. Instead of blaming your spouse for
everything that is missing, begin by asking: “What am I contributing?”
Men should
take responsibility for their sexual relationship rather than simply waiting
for their wives to change.
Here
are five ways to do that:
1.
You Get What You Give.
The
Golden Rule applies to marriage. If you want affection, give affection. If you
want attention, give attention. If you want tenderness, give tenderness. If you
want your wife to understand your needs, become willing to understand hers.
A husband
whose sex life is struggling should first examine what he is giving his wife
rather than immediately blaming her.
2.
Initiate Conversation About Your Sexual Needs With Each Other Outside the
Bedroom.
Do not
wait until you are frustrated. Do not make the bedroom the courtroom where
every unresolved issue is suddenly presented. Talk when you are calm. Talk when
you are clothed. Talk when neither person feels pressured. Tell each other what
you need. Ask questions. Listen. Couples should have these conversations
outside the bedroom.
3.
Keep Growing in Your Sexual Understanding and Insight.
No
married couple ever graduates from learning. Read. Talk. Ask questions. Seek
wisdom. Continue discovering one another.
Couples
should continue developing their understanding of sexuality rather than
assuming they already know everything.
4.
Don't Sell Out to Fantasy.
Fantasy
can offer an illusion of intimacy while weakening the real relationship. Be warned
against replacing the real sexual relationship with your spouse with
pornography and masturbation. The challenge is to invest your sexual energy
into the real person you promised to love. Choose reality over illusion.
5.
Seek Outside Help for Sexual Roadblocks You Can't Work Through.
Some
problems require help. That is not weakness. A couple may need a qualified
marriage counselor, therapist, physician, or other appropriate professional.
Do not allow embarrassment to keep you trapped. When sexual roadblocks cannot be resolved alone, seek outside help.
B. Remember: The Best Sex Is Not Just An Act; It Is Two Lives In Community.
This is where the entire message ultimately lands. Sex is not merely a physical act. It is the expression of a relationship.
The
deepest sexual satisfaction is found not in novelty, conquest, or endless
partners, but in faithful, attentive marriages that have developed over many
years.
Why? Because
time creates knowledge. Commitment creates safety. Faithfulness creates trust. Attention
creates intimacy. Shared experiences create depth. And love gives physical
intimacy a meaning that physical pleasure alone cannot provide.
The
best sex is not simply two bodies coming together. It is two lives coming
together. It is two people who have chosen each other again and again.
It is
a husband who knows his wife. A wife who knows her husband.
Two
people who have fought through difficulties, forgiven one another, raised
children, carried responsibilities, survived disappointments, celebrated
victories, and continued choosing each other.
That
is why the richest intimacy can grow with time. Because the real secret is not
simply what happens in bed. The real
secret is what happens between two people every day.
So
remember the Paradox Principle: If you want things to come alive at night,
be willing to die a little during the day.
Die to
selfishness. Die to pride. Die to indifference. Die to keeping score. Die to the attitude that says, “What about
me?” And choose something greater: Love.
Serve. Listen. Understand. Protect. Communicate. Give.
Because
the best sex is not merely an act.
It is
the celebration of two lives in community—and when those two lives remain
committed to one another, intimacy can grow richer, deeper, and more satisfying
with time.
VI. YOUR “DIE TO LIVE” APPLICATION PROJECT
For Married Men
This week practice the principles in “Everyday ways to keep your wife excited about sex with you” (See III (B) above). This affection is to her what sex is to you. So pour it on, knowing you are loving her the way she longs to be loved. Then see if she does not return the blessing.
Here’s a second project you may want to try. Initiate a conversation in a safe setting and discover ways to improve your sexual relationship. Tell your wife what you’ve been learning here. Discuss it together. Ask her what you could do better to encourage her sexually. Then talk about things you could do together to improve your current sex life (communicate more, increase your insight with a good book, take more getaways, go to bed earlier, visit a counselor, and so on).
For Single Men
You have the greatest “Die to Live” application for this session. Make a commitment to wait until marriage to apply all we addressed here today. It’s a high calling for a real man. So today would you make a commitment to purity? And today would you make a commitment to protect the woman you love from sexual impurity? You may need help. You may need an accountability partner. But in the end, life will reward you for your courage.
👍🏽 Robert Lewis
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