Every
parent, at some point, asks a hauntingly honest question: “Are kids worth it?”
It is not
necessarily a question of love. It is a question born out of reality. Parenting
costs money. It consumes time. It demands sacrifice. It stretches your
patience, rearranges your priorities, exposes your weaknesses, and forces you
to give away pieces of yourself you once thought belonged entirely to you.
Yet behind
that question lies another one: “Will all this sacrifice be worth what I gain?”
For
generations, parents have wrestled with that question. Young people considering
marriage and family wrestle with it even more intensely today. The world
presents parenthood as an enormous responsibility, and it is. But
responsibility should never be confused with futility.
The better
way to answer the question is not merely to stare at the cost of parenting. We
must ask those who have actually lived it: “Was it worth it?”
A. The
Qualms
There are
at least four major reasons people hesitate when they think about becoming
parents.
1. The
Money Qualm
Children
are expensive. From the moment they arrive, there are financial demands: food,
clothing, education, medical care, transportation, activities, and eventually
the transition into adulthood. The financial investment can feel overwhelming.
For a
young couple looking toward the future, the numbers can become frightening. You
begin adding everything together and wonder, “Can we really afford this?”
But there
is a danger in looking only at the price tag. If you evaluate children
exclusively in financial terms, you will miss their value. Some of the most
valuable things in life cannot be measured in currency.
A child's
first word cannot be purchased. A father's embrace cannot be priced. The moment
a daughter reaches for her father's hand cannot be placed on a spreadsheet. The
laughter around a family table is not an expense category. Children certainly
require financial sacrifice, but their value is far greater than their cost.
2. The
Time and Effort Qualm
The second
concern is time. “How can I accomplish everything I want to accomplish and
still raise children well?”
The
uncomfortable answer is: you cannot have everything without making choices.
Parenting
requires priorities. There are seasons when work must take less space. There
are seasons when hobbies must wait. There are moments when sleep becomes
negotiable and convenience disappears.
The modern
dream of doing everything, achieving everything, experiencing everything, and
somehow remaining completely available to our children can become an exhausting
illusion.
The
challenge is not to have everything. The
challenge is to determine what matters most.
A
successful career can be meaningful. Financial stability matters. Personal
development matters. But none of these should become excuses for neglecting the
little human beings entrusted to your care.
Children
do not simply need what you can buy. They need you.
3. The
Selfishness Qualm
The third
hesitation is perhaps the most uncomfortable: selfishness.
Modern
culture often encourages us to build life around personal happiness, personal
freedom, personal goals, and personal fulfillment.
Children,
however, disrupt that agenda. They demand that you ask a different question: “What
does someone else need from me?” That question is at the heart of maturity.
Parenthood
teaches a person to move from me to we. It teaches sacrifice,
patience, responsibility, generosity, and endurance.
Children
can become an interruption to selfishness—and sometimes that is precisely what
we need.
4. The
Culture Qualm
Then there
is the question many parents quietly ask: “Why would I bring a child into this
world?”
We live in
a world marked by violence, moral confusion, destructive influences, drugs,
unhealthy peer pressure, and countless messages competing for the hearts and
minds of children.
Raising a
good child can feel like fighting upstream. But perhaps that is exactly why
good parenting matters so much. The darkness of the culture does not eliminate
the need for light. The answer to a broken world cannot be the abandonment of
the next generation. The answer is to raise men and women who know truth,
possess character, understand responsibility, love God, and know how to live
wisely.
Children
are not merely people we protect from the world. They are people we prepare to
enter the world and influence it.
So those
are the qualms. They are real. The costs are real. The challenges are real.
But if we
want to know whether children are worth it, we should not stop with the fears.
We should
look at the facts.
B. The
Facts
Research
presents several striking responses from parents:
1.
97% of parents reported having no regrets
about having children.
2.
75% said having children strengthened their
marriage.
3.
89% said children increased their enjoyment
of life.
4.
81% said watching their children grow was
life's greatest pleasure.
These
findings point toward something profound. The very things that make parenting
costly are often the things that make it meaningful.
Sacrifice
creates depth. Responsibility creates maturity. Commitment creates stability. And
love creates memories that money cannot buy.
The child
who once kept you awake at night may one day become the adult whose presence
fills your heart with gratitude. The years that seemed so long when you were
living with them suddenly seem incredibly short when you look back.
C. The
Scripture: Psalm 127:3–5
Psalm 127
gives us a radically different perspective: “Children are a gift of the Lord.”
That
changes the entire conversation. If children are viewed merely as an expense,
we ask, “How much will this cost?” If
they are viewed merely as an inconvenience, we ask, “How much freedom will I
lose?”
But if
children are viewed as a gift from God, we begin asking: “How faithfully can I
steward this gift?”
The Psalm
compares children to arrows in the hand of a warrior. An arrow is not designed
to remain permanently in the warrior's hand. It is prepared, aimed, and
eventually released.
That is a
powerful picture of parenting. Our assignment is not to keep our children
dependent upon us forever. Our assignment is to prepare them for their future.
We are
shaping arrows. We are preparing sons and daughters to enter a world we may
never see and to make an impact we may never witness.
D. The
Challenge: Knowing What to Do as a Dad
Children
are worth it. But that does not mean
fatherhood is easy. One of the most
intimidating questions a man can ask himself is: “Am I doing this right?”
You can
look into the mirror of your home and wonder:
“Am I a
good father?”
“Do my
children know that I love them?”
“Am I
preparing them for life?”
“Am I
giving them what they need?”
Many
fathers carry a quiet sense of inadequacy. And perhaps that is not entirely bad. The
danger is not recognizing that you need to grow. The danger is deciding that
because you are imperfect, you cannot become better.
Fatherhood
is one of the greatest assignments a man will ever receive. Your career may produce accomplishments. Your
business may produce wealth. Your position may produce influence. But your
children are your living legacy. They carry your words, your habits, your
character, your beliefs, your wounds, your strengths, and your example into a
future you may never see.
Children
are living messages you send into a time you will never visit. That is why
fathering is bigger than earning. It is bigger than providing. It is bigger
than discipline. It is the work of shaping a life.
II.
FIVE TYPES OF DADS
If
fatherhood is such a significant calling, what does effective fathering
actually look like?
There are
five types of fathers worth considering.
A. The
Absent Dad
The absent
Dad is physically missing from his child's life. His absence creates a vacuum. A
child may grow up wondering: “Why wasn't Dad there?” “Did I matter to him?” “Why
did he choose other things over me?”
Physical
absence can leave wounds that reach far into adulthood. But absence is not
always geographical. A father can be absent because he refuses responsibility. He
can be absent because another relationship consumes him. He can be absent
because work has become more important than home.
The
question every father must ask is: “Am I actually present in the lives of my
children?” Not merely on the family property. Not merely on the family WhatsApp group. Not
merely paying the bills.
B. The
Distant Dad
The
distant Dad is physically present but emotionally absent. He comes home. He sits in the same house. His
children can see him. But they cannot reach him. He is there, but somehow
invisible.
They know
what he does, but they do not know what he thinks. They know his schedule, but they do not know
his heart. They know his expectations, but they do not know his dreams. A distant father may provide everything
materially while remaining emotionally inaccessible.
Children
need more than a father they can see. They need a father they can know. They
need to hear his wisdom. They need to understand his values. They need to see
his faith. They need to know his heart.
C. The
Demanding Dad
The
demanding Dad connects primarily through orders, directives, control, and
power. “Do this.” “Don't do that.” “Because
I said so.” “Get over here.” “Obey me.”
Authority
is necessary in parenting, but authority without relationship can become
authoritarianism. A father can win
obedience while losing the heart of his child.
Children
need boundaries, but boundaries work best when they are established within a
relationship of love and trust. The goal
is not simply to produce children who fear Dad. The goal is to raise children
who understand wisdom, embrace responsibility, and eventually carry those
values for themselves.
D. The
Involved but Visionless Dad
This
father is a significant improvement. He
is present. He participates. He attends activities. He takes trips. He helps
with homework. He laughs with his children. He watches sports with them. He
genuinely loves them. But there is one missing ingredient: vision.
He is
involved, but he does not have a strategy. He reacts to life rather than preparing his
children for it. He may teach them how to have fun but not how to handle
failure. He may help with homework but never explain how to develop discipline.
He may buy clothes and pay school fees but never teach them how to handle
money. He may tell them to behave but never explain what character means. He
may be available for the crisis but unavailable for the deeper questions.
His
children eventually ask: “What does it
mean to become a man?” “What does it mean to become a woman?” “How should I
approach relationships?” “How should I handle money?” “How do I choose
friends?” “How do I respond to failure?” “What does marriage mean?” “How do I
know God?” “How do I prepare for adulthood?”
The
involved but visionless Dad loves his children, but he has not yet developed a
plan for transferring wisdom to them.
E. The
Involved and Strategic Dad
This is
the goal. The strategic Dad is involved and
intentional. He does not simply respond to whatever happens. He thinks ahead. He
asks: “What does my child need to know before leaving my home?”
He
identifies the values, skills, beliefs, habits, and experiences that will help
his son or daughter live well. Then he deliberately deposits those things into
their lives. This is consistent with the biblical vision of parenting.
1. As
Encouraged by the Old Testament
Proverbs
22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old, he
will not depart from it.”
Training
implies intentionality. You do not
accidentally train a child. You train through repetition. Through example. Through
correction. Through conversation. Through responsibility. Through opportunities
to fail and try again.
And the
training must recognize the child's uniqueness. Every child has a different
personality, temperament, ability, and bent.
A wise
father does not try to manufacture a copy of himself. He studies the child God
has entrusted to him and asks: “Who is this child becoming, and how can I
help?”
2. As
Encouraged by the New Testament
Ephesians
6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in
the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
This is
not merely about taking children to church. It is about bringing faith into real life. Teach
them how to handle conflict. Teach them how to handle money. Teach them about
relationships. Teach them responsibility. Teach them sexuality with wisdom and
honor. Teach them how to work. Teach them how to apologize. Teach them how to
forgive. Teach them how to respond when life does not go their way.
A
strategic Dad understands that children will learn somewhere. The question is: Will
they learn primarily from you, or primarily from the culture?
III.
DAD'S GAME PLAN
Strategic
fathering can be organized around four powerful categories:
See. Hear.
Receive. Experience.
Three Things Your Child Needs to
See
First, let’s identify the three
things your child needs to see from you during the years they are under your
care.
1. Dad Loving Mom
The first thing they need to see is
what we have been talking about for weeks: Dad loving Mom.
Notice that there is a star in every
year from 1 -21. That is because the greatest gift you will ever give your
child is to love your wife well.
When you love your wife well, you
teach your children two foundational truths. First, you teach them that love is
real and possible. Second, you teach them how love actually works.
Those are two of the greatest gifts
you can ever give a child. When they eventually step into adult life, one of
the foundational things they need to know for their happiness is that love is
real.
Do you realize that many children
today grow up believing that love isn't real?
They know sex is real. They can “hook
up.” But they don't necessarily know how to experience intimacy. Part of the
reason is that they are not convinced genuine intimacy exists. Their little
incubator called home did not show them that it works.
The two people they admired
most—their parents—didn't demonstrate it.
That is why our discussions about the
relationship between a man and a woman, and particularly our responsibility as
dads to love our wives, are not simply about improving our marriages. That's
certainly part of it. But there is another reason: we want to empower our
children to believe that love is real.
That is one of the greatest gifts you
can give them.
From the day they are born until the
day they leave home, they need to see what real love looks like and how it
works. That's what it means to be a proactive dad.
But you will have to take the
strategies we have been discussing and intentionally practice them in front of
your children.
2. Dad’s Character
Proverbs 20:7 says: “The righteous
man walks in his integrity; how blessed are his children after him.”
A man's character gives his children
an inner stability they can draw upon for a lifetime.
They watch how Dad handles things.
They watch how he responds when life doesn't go his way. They observe how he
treats people, how he keeps his word, how he handles pressure, how he works,
how he apologizes, and how he responds when he fails.
They are drinking all of that in. Over
time, your character becomes a grid through which they see life. And if that
grid is strong, they can draw from it forever.
Imagine your son or daughter years
from now, facing a major business decision, and having a flashback to Dad—and
there is much good that rests there.
Imagine your daughter sitting across
from someone on a date and remembering something Dad taught her—and there is
much good that rests there.
Imagine your son facing a difficult
decision and remembering how Dad handled a similar situation—and there is much
good that rests there.
That is the legacy of character.
Notice that the stars representing
Dad's character are particularly emphasized from about ages 10 through 18.
Character is always important. But
beginning around age 10, and especially during the teenage years, your
character becomes supremely important because your child's ability to reason
and evaluate is developing rapidly. They begin putting two and two together.
They can compare your words with your actions.
That means your words and your deeds
need to match.
That's the definition of integrity.
Do you know one of the most
devastating words a child can use about Dad? Fake. A child can be crushed when
the father they thought was their hero turns out to be a hypocrite.
3. Dad’s Heart
Notice that this becomes especially
important beginning around Year 13.
Something changes during the teenage
years. Your son or daughter begins to see that you're more than simply “Dad.”
They begin to see that you're human.
They begin to recognize that you have
weaknesses, fears, dreams, regrets, hopes, doubts, disappointments, and
struggles—just like they do.
This is an opportunity. You can help
them understand your humanity by sharing your feelings, dreams, hopes, regrets,
fears, and even appropriate doubts and struggles.
When you let them into your heart,
something beautiful can happen. You become more than just a dad. You begin
becoming their friend.
If you make that transition during
the teenage years, something remarkable can happen by the time they are 21, 25,
or 27. One day, your son or daughter may call you simply because they want to
hang out with their buddy.
That's the goal. You don't want to
spend the rest of your relationship towering over them as the authority figure.
You want to eventually walk alongside them as a trusted friend—someone who has
walked through life, experienced failures and victories, and learned lessons along
the way.
You want a relationship where you can
share, encourage, laugh, and struggle together. But for that to happen, you
have to show them your heart.
Three Things Your Child Needs to
Hear
Then there are three things your son
or daughter needs to hear from you.
1. “I Love You.”
Your child needs to hear those words.
“I love you.” Don't assume they know. Say it.
2. “I’m Proud of You.”
Your child needs to hear: “I'm proud
of you.”
Notice where this becomes especially
important on the diagram. These words become particularly powerful during the
teenage years. Why? Because that's when your child is stepping out to become
his or her own person.
As we discussed last session,
teenagers begin differentiating themselves from their parents. They want their
own space. They want to become their own man or woman.
As they begin moving away from you,
they don't always need more coaching. They need cheering.
They need you to recognize them. That's
when you begin moving from emphasizing primarily, “I love you,” to increasingly
saying, “I'm proud of you.”
3. “You’re Good At ______.”
The third statement is: “You're good
at ______.” I intentionally leave the blank because every child is different.
Your job as a dad is to notice what
is unique about your son or daughter—their abilities, personality, strengths,
gifts, passions, and character qualities—and affirm those things specifically.
“I love you.” “I'm proud of you.” “You're
really good at ______.” Those words can become incredibly powerful during the
teenage years.
Interestingly, every time the audible
voice of God is recorded speaking about Jesus in the Gospels, the Father's
message is one of affirmation. He identifies Jesus as His beloved Son,
expresses His pleasure in Him, and directs others to listen to Him.
The Father's message communicates: “I
love Him. I am pleased with Him. Pay attention to Him.”
It is an affirmation of the Father to
the Son, proactively building powerful words into His life.
Those words communicate: You are
loved. You have value. You are on course. You have something important to
offer.
If Jesus received that kind of
affirmation from His heavenly Father, how much more does your son or daughter
need meaningful encouragement from you?
Three Things Your Child Needs to
Receive
1. Affirming Encouragement
As the diagram shows, this becomes
especially important beginning around age 10 and increasing through the teenage
years.
You begin moving from coach to
cheerleader. The power of your words in shaping how they see themselves is
enormous.
Imagine looking into your son's eyes
and saying: “You know what? I believe you're going to be a leader someday.”
Or telling your daughter: “I believe
you're going to make a difference in the world.”
Those words are like seeds planted
deep inside their spirits.
They take root. And you wonder,
“Where did they get that vision?” They heard it from Dad.
That's why a proactive father keeps
pouring encouragement into his children—even when they're struggling.
When your he/she wrecks the car,
makes a bad decision, or fails at something, that doesn't mean you stop
reminding them of their potential.
Correction is necessary. But don't
allow correction to become the primary voice they hear.
Don't let the two things they did
wrong drown out the things they are doing right. Keep speaking life into their
potential.
2. Life Instruction
Look at the dots on the diagram. They
represent special opportunities for intentional teaching.
Around ages 7 and 8, children can
begin learning important virtues such as loyalty, dependability, cleanliness,
responsibility, and perseverance. As a dad, you should be asking yourself each
year: “What virtue or life skill do I need to build into my child's life this
year?”
When children are young, one of the
things to be emphasized is responsibility. Your room needs to be clean. Being
on time. Keeping commitments. Finishing
what you start. Serving others. Those lessons are best taught in the fabric of
everyday life—not merely through lectures around the dinner table.
A proactive dad continually asks: “What
virtue or life skill does my son or daughter need to develop at this stage?”
Around age 12, the diagram highlights
preparing for adolescence. Your child is
about to cross into a major new stage of life. Their body will change. Their
voice may change. Hair will grow. Emotions will intensify. Peer pressure will
increase. They may feel different and confused. It can be frightening. Who is
going to walk them across that bridge? A proactive dad will. Spend individual
time with them—Dad with the sons, Mom with the daughters. Have breakfast
together, talk, listen, and discuss issues surrounding adolescence, emotions,
peer pressure, relationships, sexuality, and the changes they were
experiencing.
Around age 13, the diagram highlights
the definition of manhood and womanhood. At some point, your son needs to know:
“What does it mean to be a man?” And your daughter needs to know: “What does it
mean to be a woman?”
If you have been part of a Men Of
Courage an authentic-manhood journey, you understand how important this is. But here's the question: Do you have a
definition? Can you look at your son and say: “This is what it means to be a
man before God.”
Can you explain to your daughter what
it means to live as a woman of character, purpose, courage, and faith? You need to know what you believe, live it
yourself, and invite your children to hold you accountable to it. That
definition can become a compass they carry throughout life. As they grow older,
you can add instruction about relationships, friendships, school, work,
sexuality, responsibility, finances, faith, and decision-making.
Then comes the season when they are
preparing to leave home—perhaps for university, work, or another significant
step into adulthood.
This is a
strategic opportunity for Dad. Bring
your son or daughter together and talk about the future. Talk about goals. Talk
about discipline. Talk about friendships. Talk about the opportunities and
dangers ahead. Help them envision success before they ever arrive. Paint a
picture of graduation day. “What will it feel like to stand there with your
diploma, knowing you worked hard and built a strong academic foundation?” Talk
about the temptation to waste the first year. Talk about how one poor decision
can create years of unnecessary consequences. Talk about friendships and
choosing people who will strengthen rather than destroy their future. Talk
about adventure. Travel. Service. Purpose.
And most importantly, talk about
their spiritual life. Help them understand that faith is not passive. Faith is
an action word. Faith requires steps. Sometimes
courageous steps. Teach them to connect faith with courage—with serving others,
taking risks for the right reasons, standing for what is right, and living out
what they say they believe. That's what proactive dads do. They don't simply
hope their children will figure life out. They prepare them for it.
3. Jesus in Their Lives
Your
children don't just need life instruction. They need Jesus. Around ages 7 and 8, children
often begin asking profound questions about God, life, eternity, and purpose. The
question is: Can you answer them? What
would you do if your child asked you that question? Can you help them connect
the dots? Can you point them toward God? Can you walk with them through their
questions?
And as they become teenagers, can you
help them understand that faith isn't simply something they inherited from Mom
and Dad? Faith must become personal.
They need to learn to take courageous
steps of faith themselves. Maybe it's
serving others. Maybe it's standing up for someone. Maybe it's going somewhere
to serve. Maybe it's choosing integrity when nobody is watching. Maybe it's
trusting God when the future is uncertain. A proactive dad helps his children
move from borrowed faith to personal faith.
Two Things Your Child Needs to
Experience
1. Special One-on-One Times with
Dad
One of the best pieces of advice I
received as a young father was: “Date
your daughters.”
The diagram shows special
opportunities for these experiences, particularly during the teenage years. Those moments become priceless memories.
Those are more than vacations. They're
deposits into the relationship. Your children will remember those moments. Don't
let your kids leave home without having a multitude of memories of simply being
with Dad. Don't let your children leave home without them.
2. Manhood and Womanhood
Ceremonies
I have listed four opportunities
because there are significant moments along the journey when you can
intentionally celebrate and affirm your child's development.
Around 13, you can introduce
or reinforce your definition of manhood or womanhood.
At 16, you can celebrate their
growing maturity.
At 18, as they prepare to
leave for university or work, you can challenge them to step into adulthood
with courage and responsibility.
Then, at 21, you can formally
recognize their transition into adulthood.
These ceremonies don't have to be
elaborate.
They don't have to cost much money. What matters is that you intentionally mark
the moment. They tell a young man or woman: “We see you.” “We believe in you.” “We
are proud of you.” “You are becoming the person God created you to be.” You may
be wondering what I mean by manhood and womanhood ceremonies or how to create
them. There are resources that can help you develop meaningful ceremonies for
these significant moments. But the larger principle is simple: Don't leave the
important moments of your child's life to chance.
Be intentional. Have a game plan. Know
what they need to see. Know what they need to hear. Know what they need to
receive. Know what they need to experience. And then, year by year,
strategically invest in the life of your son or daughter. Because being a great
dad isn't simply about being present. It's about being purposeful. A strategic
dad doesn't merely watch his children grow up. He intentionally helps them grow
into the men and women God designed them to become.
IT IS
NEVER TOO LATE TO BE A DAD
Perhaps
the most encouraging message in this entire lesson is this:
It is
never too late to be a Dad. Maybe
your child is already 13. Maybe 18. Maybe
25. Maybe 30. Maybe you look back and realize you were absent. Maybe you were
distant. Maybe you were too demanding. Maybe you provided financially but
failed emotionally. Maybe you were involved but had no vision. Do not let
regret become another excuse for inaction.
Start
where you are. Sometimes the first
step is an apology. You may need to say: “I was too busy.” “I didn't
understand.” “I made mistakes.” “I wasn't there the way I should have been.” “I
am sorry.” “Will you forgive me?” That kind of vulnerability does something
extraordinary. It opens the heart. It communicates love. It creates an
opportunity for reconnection. You cannot rewrite yesterday. But you can
influence tomorrow. You may not be able to give your child everything they
should have received at age seven. But you can begin giving them what they need
now. Do not become paralyzed by
the years you lost. Redeem the years you still have.
THE
GREATEST CALLING
Fatherhood
is not simply about producing children. It
is about preparing people. Your children are not your possessions. They are
lives entrusted to you for a season. You are preparing arrows for a target. You
are shaping men and women who will eventually make decisions without you. They
will choose friends. They will choose careers. They will choose spouses. They
will handle money. They will raise families. They will face temptation. They
will encounter suffering. They will make mistakes. And one day, they will
become the parents, leaders, workers, spouses, and citizens of the next
generation. The question is not simply: “Did I provide for my children?”
The deeper question is: “Did I prepare them?” Did they see love? Did
they see character? Did they see your heart? Did they hear “I love you”? Did
they hear “I'm proud of you”? Did they hear you identify their strengths? Did
they receive encouragement? Did they receive practical wisdom? Did they learn
how to navigate real life? Did they experience meaningful time with you? Did
they know that faith was real in your life? Did they know that they mattered? That
is strategic fatherhood. And perhaps the most important lesson is this: Your
children do not need a perfect father. They need a present, intentional,
courageous father who is willing to keep growing.
So, Dad,
do not merely be around. Be involved.
Do not merely be involved. Be intentional. Do not merely be intentional.
Be strategic. Love your wife. Model character. Open your heart. Speak
life. Teach wisdom. Build faith. Create memories. Celebrate milestones. And
when you fail—and you will—humble yourself, apologize, reconnect, and begin
again. Because the goal is not simply to raise children who survive childhood. The
goal is to raise sons and daughters who are prepared to live well, love
well, serve well, and lead well. Children are worth it. And being their Dad
is not merely a responsibility. It is one of the greatest callings a man can
receive.
👍🏽 Robert Lewis
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