Parenting takes the best of you because parenting
is not for the faint of heart. It is a white-knuckle, long-term commitment—a
thrill ride with no guarantee of the outcome. We wish there were guarantees,
but unfortunately, there aren’t. We simply have to hang on for the ride.
There are incredible highs, and there are crashing lows.
There are moments when your heart is so full of pride that you can hardly
contain it, and there are moments when you wonder if you will survive the
disappointment. Parenting brings laughter and tears, celebration and
correction, triumph and tragedy. It is one of the greatest adventures God ever
gives us.
I. THE UPS AND DOWNS OF PARENTING
The Bible is remarkably honest about the realities of
parenting. It does not give us a sanitized picture of family life. Instead, it
shows us the breathtaking highs and heartbreaking lows that can exist in the
same family.
In Genesis 4, at the very beginning of Scripture, we read
about Eve giving birth to Cain and saying, “I have gotten a man child with the
help of the Lord!” Then she gave birth to Abel. What a moment of celebration! A
mother holds her newborn sons and sees the future unfolding before her.
Yet only a few verses later comes one of the darkest moments
imaginable: Cain rises against his brother Abel and kills him.
The Bible says in Psalm 127:3 that children are a reward
from the Lord. Yet in Genesis 27, Rebekah reaches such a point of distress over
her son's choices that she says, “I am tired of living.” The reward can
sometimes bring enormous worry.
Proverbs 10:1 says, “A wise son makes a father glad.” Every
parent understands that joy. When your child makes a wise decision,
demonstrates character, succeeds after working hard, or simply does what is
right when nobody is watching, your heart swells with pride.
But then we encounter David in 2 Samuel 18, grieving over
his son Absalom. “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I have died
instead of you?” David's repeated cry reveals the agony of a father whose heart
is shattered by the choices and death of his son.
Proverbs 17:6 says, “The glory of sons is their fathers.”
Yet 1 Samuel 2 tells us about Eli's sons, who behaved wickedly despite their
father's position and instruction. Eli confronted them, but they would not
listen.
Proverbs 29:3 says, “A son who loves wisdom makes his father
glad,” while Proverbs 17:25 says, “A foolish son is grief to his father and
bitterness to his mother.”
Psalm 127:3 calls children a gift from the Lord, yet
Scripture also records parents who experienced profound sorrow because of their
children and the circumstances surrounding them.
Then we come to one of the most beautiful pictures of
fatherhood in the Bible. At Jesus' baptism, the Father declares, “This is my
beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” What parent wouldn't treasure hearing
those words about his or her child?
And then Luke 15 introduces us to another father and two
sons. The younger son demands his inheritance, leaves home, squanders
everything, and eventually finds himself in desperate circumstances. Yet that
isn't the end of the story. He comes home. His father sees him from a distance,
runs toward him, embraces him, and celebrates: “This son of mine was dead and
is alive again; he was lost and is found.”
Do you feel the thrill ride of parenting in all of that?
The highs and the lows. The A's and the F's. The intense
pride and the gut-wrenching pain. The excellence and the embarrassment. The
triumphs and the tragedies. The reward and the rebellion.
They are all mixed together.
Parenting is not for the faint of heart.
So, in the middle of this incredible ride, what do you hold
on to?
II. FOUR HANDLEBARS FOR MAXIMUM PARENTING
As we think about winning at home, I want to give you four
handlebars you can grip tightly throughout the entire ride of raising children.
They will not eliminate every difficulty. They will not
guarantee that your children will always make wise decisions. But they will
give you direction when the ride gets wild.
A. HOLD ONTO THE GOAL
1. The Goal from the Beginning — Genesis 1:28
What is the goal of parenting?
The Bible introduces the answer almost immediately. Genesis
1:28 says that God blessed the man and woman and commanded them to “be fruitful
and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it.”
Notice that the command is more than simply having children.
God's intention was not merely multiplication. He wanted the
man and woman to raise people who would eventually go into the world and
exercise righteous influence within it.
In other words, the goal of parenting is not simply to
produce children. It is to release Godly difference-makers into the world.
You are raising a person who will eventually occupy a little
piece of planet Earth and influence the people around them. Your son or
daughter will have relationships, responsibilities, opportunities, decisions,
and influence.
That is the assignment.
2. The Greatest Joy — 3 John 4
Thousands of years later, the Apostle John captures this
same idea when he says, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children
are walking in the truth.”
Why is that the greatest joy?
Because it fulfills the original purpose.
Of course, we have dreams for our children. We want them to
be intelligent, successful, attractive, talented, educated and respected. We
want them to excel in school, win trophies, build careers and accomplish great
things.
Those things matter.
But they are not the ultimate goal.
Your child can have excellent grades and poor character.
They can become successful professionally and fail relationally. They can
become wealthy and remain spiritually empty. They can be admired publicly while
being lost privately.
The greatest joy is not merely seeing your child succeed.
The greatest joy is seeing your child walk in truth.
When everything else eventually fades, what will matter is
whether they know God, possess character, love faithfully, live honorably and
make a meaningful contribution to the world.
Hold onto that goal.
3. Two Things to Never Stop Doing
i) Pointing Our Children to God
From the time our children are born, we should continually
point them toward God.
Not through constant lectures or forced religion, but
through the quality of our lives and the wisdom of our words.
Let them see what faith looks like in real life.
Let them see you pray.
Let them see you forgive.
Let them see you admit when you're wrong.
Let them see you trust God when circumstances are difficult.
Let them hear you talk about what God is doing in your life.
Our children need more than information about God. They need
to see what a relationship with God looks like in the life of their father and
mother.
ii) Pray That They Will Go There
Point them toward God—and pray that they will choose Him.
You cannot control your child's heart. You cannot
manufacture faith. Eventually, every child must make his or her own decision.
So we point, we teach, we model, and we pray.
One of the greatest moments in parenting is when your child
eventually walks into your space—not because you demanded it, but because they
want to—and says, “Dad, let me tell you what God is doing in my life.”
That is a beautiful sign that they are moving toward the
goal.
You have helped launch a difference-maker into the world.
B. HOLD ONTO YOUR TIME
Nothing disappears faster for a parent than time.
Children grow while we are busy making plans for them.
One moment they are in your arms; the next they are asking
for the car keys. One moment you are tying their shoes; the next they are
packing their belongings for university.
The tragedy is that many parents don't realize how quickly
time is passing until they discover they cannot get it back.
1. Ephesians 5:15–16
Ephesians 5:15–16 tells us to live carefully and wisely,
“making the most of your time.”
Every father has the same twenty-four hours.
The difference is not how much time you have. The difference
is how intentionally you use it.
Some fathers hold onto their time.
Others spend years complaining that they don't have enough
of it.
2. Some Suggestions
There are essentially two approaches to parenting time: reactive
and proactive.
Reactive parents live according to the tyranny of the
urgent. Whatever seems loudest or most pressing gets their attention.
The problem is that life will always produce another urgent
demand.
If you have not already decided what matters most,
everything will appear important. Work will fill the calendar. Meetings will
multiply. Phones will ring. Messages will arrive. Opportunities will appear.
And somewhere in the middle of all that activity, childhood
will quietly disappear.
Proactive parents refuse to leave the most important things
to chance.
They decide in advance what matters, put those things on the
calendar and protect them.
If your daughter's special day matters, schedule it.
If your son needs time alone with you, schedule it.
If your family needs a vacation, plan it.
If you need a date with your wife, put it on the calendar.
If there are important conversations you need to have with
your children, don't simply hope the opportunity appears. Create the
opportunity.
Consider a 13 year-old son, for example. At that stage, he
is becoming increasingly aware of his identity. He is watching your character
more carefully. He wants to know what kind of man you are.
Perhaps this is the year you take him away for a special
weekend and tell him stories about your own childhood. Tell him what your
father did well. Tell him where your father failed. Let him see your heart.
Tell him, “I love you.”
But also tell him, “I'm proud of you,” and “You're good at
something.”
Teenagers need affirmation.
As children move through adolescence, your role may begin
shifting from coach to cheerleader. You are still guiding them, but you are
increasingly encouraging them to discover their strengths and develop their own
identity.
Talk to your son about relationships, responsibility, work,
honor and what it means to treat women with respect.
Perhaps help him start a small business. Give him
responsibility. Let him make mistakes and learn from them.
Talk about Jesus—not simply as someone he hears about at
church, but as someone who is real in your own life. Tell him how you came to
know God. Give him permission to ask difficult questions.
Create memories.
Take a trip. Attend a sporting event. Go fishing. Have
breakfast together. Do something that becomes part of the story he tells about
his childhood.
And consider meaningful moments that mark his development
into manhood.
The point is not to create elaborate ceremonies. The point
is intentionality.
If you don't plan these moments, you may wake up one day as
your child leaves home and say, “I wish I had done more.”
You cannot go back.
You cannot parent reactively and expect maximum results.
Hold onto your time. Plan it. Protect it. Invest it.
C. HOLD ONTO YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
1. Psalm 78:72
Psalm 78:72 gives us a powerful picture of leadership: “He
shepherded them according to the integrity of his heart and guided them with
skillful hands.”
Notice two responsibilities.
i) We Must Live with Integrity
Our children need a hero.
When they first enter this world, you are that hero.
Not because you are perfect, but because they are watching
you.
They watch how you treat their mother.
They watch how you handle pressure.
They watch how you respond when you fail.
They watch how you speak about people.
They watch whether your private life matches your public
words.
Your children will learn more about integrity from watching
you than from listening to you.
ii) We Must Constantly Upgrade Our Parenting Skills
The verse also speaks of “skillful hands.”
Parenting requires skill.
Good intentions are important, but they are not enough.
We develop skill when we have a long-term plan for raising
our children. We develop skill when we understand the differences between the
seasons of childhood. We develop skill when we recognize personality
differences and learn how to respond appropriately to each child.
You cannot parent every child exactly the same way.
A child may need coaching at one stage, encouragement at
another and consultation later.
Birth order, personality, temperament, strengths and
weaknesses can all influence how children respond to parenting.
Firstborns may often feel a strong sense of responsibility
and achievement. Middle children may work harder to establish their own
identity. Younger children may be more outgoing and accustomed to receiving
attention.
These are tendencies, not rigid rules. Every child is
unique.
The skilled father learns the child in front of him.
He doesn't simply ask, “What worked with my other child?”
He asks, “Who is this child, and how can I help this
particular child become who God created them to be?”
A skilled father also learns to dream with his children.
Dream big with them—not necessarily dreams of fame, wealth
or status, but dreams of contribution.
Help your child imagine a life that matters.
Tell them, “Your life can make a difference.”
Every parenting skill you develop becomes another tool for
unleashing good in your child's life.
So hold onto your responsibility.
D. HOLD ONTO YOUR MATE
1. Colossians 3:19
Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not
be embittered against them.”
That warning about bitterness is important.
Bitterness rarely arrives all at once.
It usually begins with small irritations.
A husband feels neglected. A wife feels unsupported. A
husband works harder. A wife carries more of the household burden. Both become
tired. Communication decreases. Resentment grows.
Then the couple begins doing everything for the children and
almost nothing for each other.
The very children they love can unintentionally become the
reason they stop nurturing their marriage.
This is particularly dangerous during the demanding years
when children are very young and again during the teenage years.
That is why you must hold onto your mate.
You need time away from the children.
You need conversations that are not about school fees,
homework, discipline, schedules or the next appointment.
You need to talk about dreams.
You need to laugh together.
You need to remember why you fell in love.
You need face-to-face time.
Romance does not survive on autopilot.
Working hard for your family is not the same as spending
time with your wife. Loving your children deeply is not a substitute for loving
their mother intentionally.
Your marriage needs direct investment.
Schedule the date.
Take the trip.
Have the conversation.
Keep pursuing one another.
And don't feel guilty about leaving the children for a
little while when they are safe and cared for. A healthy marriage is not a
threat to healthy children. It is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.
2. The Greatest Gift You Can Give Your Kids Is to Love
Their Mother
Men, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is
to love their mother well.
Let your children see affection.
Let them see respect.
Let them see forgiveness.
Let them see you listen to each other.
Let them see you laugh together.
Let them see that marriage is worth protecting.
Your children are not simply listening to what you say about
marriage. They are watching the marriage you live.
And one day, whether you realize it or not, they will carry
that picture into their own relationships.
If your marriage is strong, you are giving your children a
living model of commitment.
If your marriage is constantly hostile, distant or
indifferent, they are learning that too.
So every year, ask yourselves:
How are we doing?
Are we still talking?
Are we still laughing?
Are we still dating?
Are we still dreaming together?
Are we still praying together?
Are we still choosing one another?
Keep stoking the fire.
CONCLUSION: WHAT WILL THEY LEAVE HOME WITH?
Parenting begins with those unforgettable words: “It's a
boy!” or “It's a girl!”
And then, almost overnight, your life changes.
There are sleepless nights, fevers, diapers and story times.
There are lost teeth, football games, school projects, birthdays and braces.
There are campouts, fishing trips, wrestling matches, school plays, driving
lessons, vacations, proms, dates and difficult conversations.
There are moments when you wonder where the years went.
And then, suddenly, graduation arrives.
The room becomes quiet.
The bedroom light goes off.
The bags are packed.
The car is loaded.
And your child drives away into the next chapter of life.
You stand there watching them disappear down the road, and
one question remains:
With what are they leaving?
Hopefully, they are leaving pointed toward God.
Hopefully, they are leaving with memories of time spent with
you.
Hopefully, they are leaving with confidence because you
affirmed them.
Hopefully, they are leaving with character because you
modeled integrity.
Hopefully, they are leaving with dreams because you taught
them to imagine a life of contribution.
Hopefully, they are leaving with a picture of marriage
because they watched you love their mother.
Hopefully, they are leaving with the courage to become the
person God designed them to be.
That is maximum parenting.
You cannot control every outcome.
You cannot prevent every mistake.
You cannot eliminate every heartbreak.
But you can hold onto the goal.
You can hold onto your time.
You can hold onto your responsibility.
And you can hold onto your mate.
The ride will have highs and lows. There will be laughter
and tears, celebrations and disappointments, victories and failures.
So grip the handlebars.
Stay faithful.
Keep pointing.
Keep praying.
Keep showing up.
Keep loving.
And when the ride finally brings your children to the point
where they launch into the world, may they leave not merely as grown children,
but as Godly difference-makers—people prepared to live with courage, character,
wisdom and faith.
That is the adventure.
That is the responsibility.
That is the privilege.
That is Maximum Parenting.
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