Before we move forward, let’s take a moment to revisit three powerful reminders from our opening session. These principles are foundational to everything we are going to discuss.
Three Reminders from Our Opening Session
1. The Paradox Principle Is the Key to Success at Work and Home
Do you remember the Paradox Principle? We summed it up in one simple statement: Die to Live.
The principle is simple but profound. You humble yourself enough to recognize that you do not know everything. You become willing to learn something new from outside yourself because, at some point, you realize that what you are currently doing is not producing the life you want.
Then comes the difficult part. You discover what you need to do—and you die a little to yourself to do it.
You surrender your pride. You give up your preference. You stop insisting on having your own way. And then something remarkable happens.
On the other side of that temporary death to self, you discover more life than you ever imagined.
That is why it is a paradox. You thought giving something up would diminish your life, but instead, it gives life back to you.
We talked about the uninitiated man. When he hears the phrase Die to Live, all he hears is one word: DIE.
Because of that, he resists the principle. He believes that real manhood means getting his way. He intends to live life according to his preferences, his desires, and his agenda. Unfortunately, over time, he discovers that this approach does not bring him life. It brings pain.
The initiated man, however, is different. The initiated man finally gets it. He understands that death to self is a small price to pay for the life and success that temporary death eventually produces.
That is why when the initiated man hears, Die to Live, he hears LIVE far more than he hears DIE. That is the Paradox Principle.
Remember it: Die to Live. It is the key to success—not only at work, but also at home.
2. Beware of the Great Nullifier
At our last session, we looked into two mirrors.
We asked: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, how am I doing? Am I doing any good at all?”
We ask that question in two places: At work and At home.
When a man looks into both mirrors and they seem to smile back at him—when work is going well and home is going well—he experiences a deep sense of satisfaction. He feels successful. He feels fulfilled.
But what happens when one mirror smiles and the other frowns? What happens when you are winning at work but losing at home? Or when you are winning at home but losing at work?
In other words, what happens when you are one-for-two? The pain and failure of one area will eventually nullify the joy and satisfaction of the other.
That is the Great Nullifier.
Think about a basketball player who hits what appears to be the winning shot at the buzzer. Everyone celebrates. It looks like an heroic moment. Then he discovers he was called for a charging foul. The shot doesn't count. The celebration disappears. The victory is nullified.
That is what can happen in a man's life. You can experience tremendous success in your career, but if your marriage is falling apart, the pain at home can overshadow everything you accomplish at work.
You can have an incredible family life, but if you are continually failing in your responsibilities and work, that frustration can eventually rob you of your joy. Beware of the Great Nullifier.
And that leads us to our final reminder.
3. True Happiness for a Man Is Winning in Both
One out of two will not do. Always remember that.
For a man to experience genuine fulfillment, he must learn to succeed in both arenas: At work and at home.
This principle goes all the way back to the beginning of humanity. The opening story of Genesis introduces us to the first man, Adam, and gives us a picture of what a man's responsibilities look like. Adam was given three assignments that were ultimately designed to produce life and fulfillment.
a) He was given work to do.
Adam had a responsibility. Every day, he had a mirror of work in which he could look and ask, How am I doing?
b) He was given a woman to love.
Adam also had a relationship to cultivate. He had a home mirror. He had someone to love, protect, understand, and serve.
c) He was given a will to obey.
Ultimately, Adam was called to obey God's will. And even in Genesis, that can be summarized in one powerful phrase: Die to Live.
God gave Adam a will to obey because obedience would ultimately lead to life.
What is success in masculinity? It is not perfection. It is not winning every day.
It is learning to succeed well at work and at home.
One out of two will not do. A man who wants true happiness must learn to win in both.
THE MYSTERIOUS WORLD OF WOMEN
Now, in this session, we turn our attention to what many men consider one of the great mysteries of life: Women.
It is a mysterious world, isn't it, Comrades? Men have been frustrated by women for generations. And here is what I want you to understand: When it comes to women, we do not naturally get it.
1. Immature Men Assume Women See Life the Way They Do
This is one of the most common—and costly—mistakes a man can make.
An immature man assumes that because something makes sense to him, it must make sense to her. Because he thinks a certain way, he assumes she thinks the same way. Because he responds emotionally in a certain way, he assumes she will respond the same way. But that assumption can create enormous problems.
2. Real Men Recognize the Differences
Real men—the men who finally get it—understand that women do not necessarily see life the way men do.
Instead of becoming frustrated by the differences, they work to recognize, understand, and appreciate them. That requires maturity. It requires humility. And once again, it requires us to die to ourselves.
WISE WORDS FROM THE PAST
This isn't merely the conclusion of modern marriage counselors or social scientists. This wisdom goes back thousands of years.
A. 1 Peter 3:7
The apostle Peter wrote: “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way…”
Think about that. Peter was a fisherman. But somewhere along the way, he got it.
He understood something men have needed to understand for generations: You have to get outside yourself if you are going to live successfully with a woman.
Peter says to live with your wife “in an understanding way.”
Why? Because she is a woman, not a man.
That means she may think differently.
She may feel differently.
She may communicate differently.
She may respond differently.
Her world may be different from yours.
Therefore, you cannot simply assume that what works for you will work for her. You need understanding.
And notice another important part of Peter's instruction. He tells men to honor their wives as equal partners in the grace of life. That is an astonishing statement when you consider the culture in which it was written. Peter is essentially saying: Do not use your strength to dominate her. Use your strength to serve her.
The phrase “weaker vessel” refers to physical strength, not lesser value. Yet throughout history, immature men have taken physical strength and used it to intimidate, dominate, control, and overpower women. That is not masculinity.
Let me say this plainly: Raw power never makes a man a man with a woman. It makes him a coward who is afraid to grow up.
The better way—the masculine way—is to live with a woman in an understanding way.
B. Two Timely Insights
From 1 Peter 3:7, we can draw two important lessons.
1. What You Don't Know Will Always Hurt You
Ignorance has consequences. When you don't understand something that matters, you are vulnerable to making mistakes. That is especially true in relationships.
2. Men Get Down on What They Are Not Up On
Some of the brightest, smartest, and most talented men in the world have struck out in life because they refused to learn what they did not naturally understand. You cannot succeed at something you refuse to learn. And if you want to succeed with a woman, you have to become a student of her world.
SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
Assuming anything about the opposite sex can be costly. So let's take a hard turn and educate ourselves. Let's get up on women.
Here are four things every man should understand.
1. The Gender Difference
There are similarities between men and women, but there are also significant differences.
Men and women are wired differently.
We mature differently.
We process information differently.
We often approach life differently.
Men tend to be more action-oriented.
Women tend to be more relationship-oriented.
You can see this difference everywhere.
Imagine a father and mother watching their son play football. The father may yell: “Come on! Hit the hole! Make the cut! Run harder!”
The mother may yell something completely different: “Come on, Mason! You can do it! Don't worry! We're proud of you!”
The father is focused on performance. The mother is focused on encouragement and relationship. Neither necessarily loves the boy more. They are simply approaching the moment through different orientations.
a) Men and Women Often Process Differently
The male and female brains also demonstrate differences in how information is processed.
A useful picture is this:
i) A woman's mind can function like radar. She may be scanning the entire landscape, noticing several things simultaneously.
ii) A man's mind can function more like a laser beam. He can lock onto one thing and focus intensely.
That difference can create some humorous moments. A woman can be sitting with her husband during an intimate moment and still have part of her mind wondering:
Did I pack the children's lunch?
Are the kids asleep?
Did I lock the door?
What was that noise outside?
Is the dog barking?
Meanwhile, the man's brain may have shut out virtually everything except the one thing directly in front of him.
Then she suddenly says: “Honey, did you hear that?”
That is radar meeting laser.
And it is one reason men and women can misunderstand each other so easily.
b) Men and Women also Speak Different Languages
Sometimes we even use the same words but assign different meanings to them.
Consider a few humorous examples.
“Fine.” For a woman, “fine” may mean the discussion is not fine at all and she is finished arguing.
“Five minutes.” For a man, five minutes might actually mean five minutes. For a woman, it may mean, “Give me a little time.”
“Nothing.” When a woman says “nothing,” it may not mean nothing. It may mean something is definitely happening.
These examples are humorous, but they illustrate a serious principle: Men and women often communicate through different relational codes.
Understanding that difference can prevent unnecessary conflict.
2. The Need Difference
Let's talk about needs. If a group of men were sitting together and I asked, “Is one of the major needs of a man sexual intimacy?” most men would probably agree.
But women also have deep relational needs. Here are four that every man should understand.
a) Security.
Women have a deep need for security. And that security often operates in two major areas:
i) Financial security and relational security.
Financial security doesn't necessarily mean that a woman cannot work. It doesn't mean she cannot earn money.
It means she wants to know that the man she has committed her life to is responsible, dependable, and capable of helping create a stable future.
She wants to know that there is a plan.
She wants to know that the family can face tomorrow.
She wants to know that when difficult seasons come, you won't disappear.
But security is also relational.
ii) Honesty creates security.
Keeping your word creates security.
Following through creates security.
Being faithful creates security.
Reassuring her of your love creates security.
When a man lies, hides things, breaks promises, or repeatedly fails to follow through, he doesn't merely create an isolated problem.
He undermines her sense of safety.
One simple practice can communicate enormous security: Look her in the eyes and tell her sincerely: “I love you. I am committed to you. I am not going anywhere.”
Those words, when backed by a man's actions, can speak directly to a woman's need for security.
b) Conversational Companionship
A woman often experiences connection through conversation. Through conversation, she gets to know the life of the man she loves—and he gets to know hers.
That is why conversation can be so powerful during dating. Before marriage, couples often spend hours talking.
They discuss dreams.
They discuss fears.
They talk about their days.
They share experiences.
They laugh.
They explore life together.
Then marriage arrives.
Careers become demanding.
Children arrive.
Schedules become crowded.
Responsibilities multiply.
And suddenly the deep conversations disappear.
A couple may still talk every day, but much of the conversation becomes logistical:
Did you pay the bill?
Who is picking up the children?
What's for dinner?
What time are you coming home?
That's communication, but it isn't necessarily companionship. A woman often wants the kind of conversation that connects your inner world to hers. That is why men need to date their wives.
Set aside time every week to get away together.
Go for dinner.
Have coffee.
Take a walk.
Sit somewhere quiet.
Talk about what is happening in your world.
Tell her what you're dreaming about.
Tell her what you're struggling with.
Tell her what you're enjoying.
Ask her what she is thinking.
Listen.
And don't treat conversation as a problem to solve. Sometimes she simply wants you to enter her world.
I would also encourage couples to plan several short getaways each year.
They don't have to be expensive. Even a simple overnight trip can become an oasis.
On the journey, you can talk.
At the destination, you can relax.
You can play.
You can rediscover each other.
Because if you never create those moments, life can carry you downstream like a raging current.
And one day you may look at each other and realize: “I don't really know you anymore.”
For many women, that loss of connection eventually becomes a loss of love. Conversation and connection go hand in hand.
c) Significance
Another major need is significance. Think about words such as:
Valued.
Important.
Appreciated.
Esteemed.
A woman does not necessarily need the whole world to recognize her value. She wants to know that you recognize it.
Remember Peter's words: “Grant her honor as an equal partner in the grace of life.”
In other words: Make her feel significant.
Tell her what you admire about her.
Praise her character.
Tell her that coming home to her is one of the best parts of your day.
Leave her a note.
Surprise her with a small gift.
Ask for her opinion.
Include her in important decisions.
Say: “Honey, what do you think I should do?”
Those simple actions communicate: “Your voice matters to me.”
One of the greatest dangers in a long-term relationship is taking your wife for granted.
At first, you notice everything. Then, over time, you stop noticing.
You stop appreciating the little things she does.
You begin assuming she will always do them.
You forget birthdays.
You overlook anniversaries.
You stop celebrating her.
You treat appreciation like an obligation instead of an opportunity.
But a masculine man understands that honoring his wife is not a chore. It is an opportunity to breathe life into her soul.
Women across generations have asked a fundamental question: “Am I important?”
The world may answer that question one way. But she especially wants to know what her man thinks. And she wants to know it through your words, your attention, and your actions.
d) Affection
Affection is another deep need. And by affection, I don't simply mean sex. For many women, affection is better understood as treasuring.
Treasuring means communicating: “You matter to me.” How do you do that?
Hug her.
Hold her hand.
Look into her eyes and tell her you love her.
Leave her a note.
Call her during the day and tell her you've been thinking about her.
Invite her to lunch.
Send her flowers.
Kiss her before you leave for work.
Compliment her.
Praise her character.
Tell her what she does well.
Go shopping with her—even if shopping isn't your favorite activity.
Praise her in front of your friends.
And especially praise her in front of your children.
Imagine stopping in front of your children and saying: “Kids, I want you to know something about your mom. She is one of the kindest people I know.” That could make her entire day.
And once in a while, go beyond the ordinary.
Don't simply buy another card.
Write her a letter.
Don't simply repeat the same birthday routine.
Surprise her.
Don't simply talk about taking a vacation.
Plan one.
Do something once a year that is completely outside the ordinary.
Why? Because extraordinary affection communicates extraordinary value.
These four needs provide a practical checklist:
Am I making her feel secure?
Am I making her feel significant?
Have we spent meaningful time talking together?
Have I shown her affection recently?
If everything is healthy, the lights are green. But if there are areas where she feels neglected, the lights are red. And those red lights matter.
Because when a man's actions continually undermine these needs, he can gradually weaken his wife's sense of security, significance, connection, and love.
The wise man pays attention.
3. The Scoring Difference
Men and women can also score relationships differently. John Gray popularized this concept in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and the basic idea is simple: Men often score love according to the size of the act. The bigger the act, the more points they think it deserves.
A man might think:
Taking out the trash = 1 point
Taking his wife to a nice restaurant = 10 points
Taking her on a vacation = 100 points
That is how men can naturally think. And because of this scoring system, a man may work extremely hard to provide one enormous expression of love while overlooking dozens of small expressions.
But women may evaluate love differently. For a woman, the size of the act may matter less than the fact that it communicates love.
Taking out the trash can matter.
A kiss goodbye can matter.
A thoughtful phone call can matter.
A surprise trip can matter.
But the little act and the enormous act may each communicate the same basic message: “I love you. You matter to me.”
That is why a man can work numerous hours a week believing he has earned hundreds of points because he is providing for his family, only to discover that his wife still longs for the small expressions of love.
He may think: “I am doing all this for you!”
And she may be thinking: “I know. But I miss you.”
That's an important distinction. So remember: Do not rely only on big gestures.
The small things matter.
Say, “I love you.”
Give her a hug.
Call her.
Listen.
Take out the trash.
Ask about her day.
Sit beside her.
Hold her hand.
The wise man learns to make regular deposits into his wife's emotional love bank.
4. The Personality Difference
There is one more difference every man needs to understand: Personality.
We are all different. Every person carries a unique personality imprint. That means your wife or girlfriend is not simply “a woman.” She is a particular woman with a particular personality. So here is the question:
Do you know her personality?
Do you know her strengths?
Do you understand what energizes her?
Do you recognize her weaknesses?
Do you know what frustrates her?
Do you understand how she responds under pressure?
And perhaps most importantly: Have you accepted that this personality is not going to disappear?
You cannot love someone effectively if you refuse to learn who they are. And that is where our next assignment begins.
The Die to Live Application Project
This week, I want you to take the personality tests. There are two simple personality tests.
One is for you.
One is for your girlfriend or wife.
Print and go through each line and select the statement that best describes you from the four choices.
Take your time. It should take approximately 15–20 minutes.
When you finish, turn the page over to the section marked “Personality Test Scoring.”
Use the scoring instructions from the front page and transfer the results carefully. The descriptions have been rearranged on the scoring page, so pay attention.
At the end, you will have several totals. One personality category will probably score higher than the others.
Don't worry about what that means yet. We'll talk about that next time.
For now, your assignment is simple: Take the test—and take it with your wife or girlfriend.
Your Die to Live Date
But I want you to take this project one step further.
Take your wife or girlfriend on a date.
Find somewhere quiet.
It can be dinner.
It can be coffee.
It doesn't have to be expensive.
The location isn't the important part.
The conversation is. When you sit down, tell her: “I want to tell you what I'm learning in Men Of Courage.”
Then share the four needs we discussed:
Security
Conversational Companionship
Significance
Affection
Then ask her:
“Are these your top four needs?”
Don't simply assume.
Ask.
Listen.
And when she responds, don't defend yourself.
Don't explain.
Don't argue.
Don't interrupt.
Instead, ask questions.
“Why is that so important to you?”
“Where have I done well in this area?”
“Where have I not done so well?”
“What could I do differently?”
You are not conducting an interrogation. You are conducting an interview into her world.
You are learning.
You are listening.
You are getting it.
Then ask her the most important question:
“If you could tell me your number-one need in our relationship, what would it be?”
And after she answers: “How can I best meet that need?”
That is where the Die to Live principle comes alive.
You are dying to your natural tendency to assume.
You are dying to your pride.
You are dying to the belief that because you are a man, you automatically know what a woman needs.
And in that little death, something begins to live.
Understanding.
Connection.
Trust.
Love.
When you're finished, invite her to take the personality test with you. Tell her: “One of my projects for the next session is taking this personality test. Would you take it with me?”
Then let her complete it. Bring the results back to the next session.
The Point of It All
Do you know what will probably happen?
She will appreciate that you took her on a date.
She will appreciate that you wanted to have a meaningful conversation about her world.
She will appreciate that you are trying to understand her.
She may even think: “This Men Of Courage stuff is pretty good.”
She may be impressed that you're becoming something of a psychologist. But remember what we learned about the scoring difference.
After all that effort…
After the date…
After the conversation…
After the personality test…
After the thoughtful questions…
After the effort to understand her world…
How many points did you get? One. One point.
And that's okay. Because the goal was never the points. The goal was the relationship.
The goal was to become the kind of man who understands that sometimes the greatest expressions of masculinity begin with a simple decision: Die to yourself so that something better can live.
That is the Paradox Principle. That is what it means to become an initiated man. And that is how you begin to win—not just at work, but at home.
One out of two will never be enough. Die to Live.
👍🏽 Robert Lewis
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