Those are the four broad faces of authentic manhood. It gave us a first look at what a real man looks like. It gives us a first pass, but it also begins to offer to us one of the promises made to you at the very beginning. That we were going to be developing a manhood language together, and even in mentioning those four faces we get the first seed form of that language, because just with those 4 faces – and you can see a guy, and you can say, ‘you know, that guy lacks a strong king in his life.’ Or ‘you could know, if he has a weak warrior in him.’ You would know he doesn’t have this kind of inner passion to push him over the top. He’s not a conqueror. You may say to one guy he’s got a strong friend face, and to another, his friend face is more of a user than a friend. That’s kind of the beginning of what we call a manhood language.
Your Manhood Plan Worksheet
Look at the Manhood Plan – just for a moment. There are really 3 parts to this plan. As you open it up, the very first part you’re going to see is a plan that says To Look Back. these questions will take you where you need to go to look back. We’ll take the first step today.
As we look at Now there are some questions about where you are now.
Then finally, taking a Look Ahead. The Look Ahead section at the end will also take you back to the very first page which says, “when you’re really finished” and there’s a little tombstone there. All that you’ve done – looking back, looking at now and looking ahead – you’re going to summarize it on that little tombstone because we need to live our lives with the end in mind. It has a verse on the front of the Manhood Plan – it says, “Teach us to number our days, that we might present to Thee a heart of wisdom.” Basically, you can summarize that up by saying ‘Men need to live their lives with the end in mind.’
So think deeply about where you’ve been - give you time to do that through the fall. Then think deeply about where you are now. Next think deeply about where you’re going and how you want to finish your life. Real men have a plan. The unauthentic man - or the unhealthy man - has no plan. He lives day to day. He lives in the “now.” He just reacts to life. And that’s why he doesn’t go anywhere.
But a real man has a plan with a clear outline or framework for you – personalized by you - of the kind of man that you want to become. And that’s what the Manhood Plan is all about.
The Moments That Shaped your Life
Now today, we’re in Session, the first step to authentic manhood, looking back. Real men have to look back in their life. Everyone is who they have become because of events in their past and decisions they made and circumstances that they had nothing to do with. All of those became a mixture that created you to become the kind of person that you are today. But there’s a problem with the past. And the problem is this: Most of us don’t really know our own story. We know parts of our story. We like to tell the best parts. But none of us, maybe many of us, have not taken the time to really think through our past and analyze our past in a way that explains us to us. Where we really understand why we are the way we are, and why we do the things the way that we do them. And without this kind of understanding, we cannot change the things that need to be changed in order to grasp the authentic manhood that we were meant to live.
We need to
understand ourselves. Everybody has a
story. And if you don’t understand
your story in a way that makes a difference in the way you live now,
then what is found in so many men, is that instead, they’re driven
by things and forces they don’t understand – or things and forces that they are
not willing to face. They are buried
in their life, or they misunderstand
-- that rob them of the authentic manhood that they were meant to live.
Do you know your story? Do you know why you are the way you are? And why you do what you do? Have you explained you to you? It’s the first step in authentic manhood. That’s why we have the saying that’s endured through time that says this: The unexamined life is not worth living. Everyone needs to know why they are the way they are.
The experiences there, the moments there, the influences there, helped shape – in a large part - the kind of person that you hear in front of you today.
First of all, I’d say there were some good moments from your family.
There were also noble moments – not just good moments, but noble moments in your family.
There were also missed moments.
There were also hurtful moments.
There were also
defining moments.
Everybody has a story. Your story is different, but in some ways, it’s probably similar to others. Everybody is who they have become because of – noble moments, missed moments, hurtful moments, defining moments. You are who you are in part because of those things, but do you understand those things? Maybe the bigger question is do you understand how those things are impacting your life right now? To be a real man, you’ve to look back. You’ve got to figure that out and decide what’s worth keeping and what’s worth throwing away.
How did you leave home? Everybody has a story. And everybody needs to understand their story so they can become the kind of man that they need to be.
Observations Looking Back
Now let me just make some observations about looking back because this is what’s going to start our journey over the next several days.
1️⃣ My story is not unique. No matter how good you look on the outside, there’s a lot of stuff going on inside every man. Some of those things are hurtful; some of those things feel like vacuums and missed moments. Some of those things are noble.
2️⃣ When a boy fails to connect with his dad, demons of one kind or another often fill the void. When dad’s not there, it leaves a hole in a son’s psyche. Whether dad wasn’t there emotionally, or whether wasn’t there altogether, leaves a hole and the son’s going to fill it with something. Some are going to fill it with cheap, tragic substitutes — whether it’s workaholism, macho-ism, sexual addiction, alcoholism, power games, a driven personality, or other extremes. It’s all seeking to compensate for something that should have been there, but wasn’t. And what often isn’t there in a man’s life, is a reconciled, healthy relationship with the most significant person in his life growing up – his dad.
3️⃣Many men have yet to reckon with their past, or close out the unfinished
business that still lives there. This may be due to denial, looking back. Some guys don’t want to look back; they don’t
want to lift the manhole cover. It
might be due to lack of courage or just plain ignorance about the past and how
the past affects now. But regardless
of the reason, the truth is that
some men are still trying at 40 or
50 to win mom or dad’s approval. And they don’t even know they’re doing
it.
There is a true story of a young guy – well actually, he wasn’t a young guy; he was in his 30s – he was attempting to finish his dissertation in philosophy at the University. A very prestigious school. He said “It won’t matter.” He was trying to get the energy, the warrior up to finish up his dissertation. He said, “It won’t matter.” The guy had done phenomenally well in school. He said, “I’ll finish it and I’ll show it to my dad, and he’ll say some remark like, ‘what can you do better?’” His whole life had been to jump a little higher to somehow hear dad say, “You’ve done good, son.” But his dad always had a critical comment, “why couldn’t you put the bar a couple of feet higher than where it was?” “Why couldn’t you have made all A’s rather than all A’s except for one B?” “Why didn’t you get into a better University?” It was always something else that kept him from feeling that, and his whole life had been defined by trying to win dad’s approval.
There are some who are for years unknowingly trying to redeem
the family name, to get rid of that shame. Is that you? Is it what drives you?. Did you want someone tell you “Hey, you’re
doing good! You’re good!”
Some men blame their past and just become helpless, irresponsible victims in life. “Oh, I had it bad – so now that’s going to excuse me to be bad.” Some men are still trying to deny or excuse the evil they’ve done in their past. And that’s why they’re stuck in their manhood. Some men squander the rich family heritage they had, and because of that and because they refuse to admit it, they are never going to right the boat of manhood for their own life. There are all kinds of things that can be unfinished business that needs to be dealt with in order to move in a healthy kind of manhood that every man should embrace.
4️⃣Until a man unpacks his past and deals with the themes and the pains that reside there, he can never be an authentic man. You know, at some point, every guy has to unpack his past. That’s why the first step to authentic manhood is looking back.
Always living in
the past, men, is not manhood. It’s
boyhood. Playing the victim because of your past is not manhood; its boyhood. Working all the time to achieve things
that you don’t even understand is not manhood; it’s boyhood. Denying your feelings, rather than
grieving over your pain – which you may need to do – is not manhood; it’s
boyhood.
Disconnecting from your past, rather than connecting with it and understanding it, and having the courage to deal with it is not manhood; it’s boyhood. You need to unpack the past.
5️⃣You cannot become a real man without help. There is no such thing as a self-made man. The Scripture says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” The truth of the matter is no man can become an authentic man without the help of other men. We need their insight; we need their accountability; we need their balance in our life.
There are men who have self-made success, but they may have that success at the expense of a number of other things personally. They may be short-sighted; they may be unhealthy; they may be imbalanced and they may be riddled with a number of blind spots. But a healthy man has other men in his life to help make him who needs to be.
6️⃣The final principle is this, for better or worse, we are all significantly shaped by the family life we experienced. The past helps explain you and me. Yes, we are products of the past; but we are not prisoners of the past unless we choose to be.
We can choose to be by ignoring the past, or denying the past, or worse, surrendering to the past. That’s why it’s important to unpack our past, so we can take a look at what’s in there and we can choose to keep the things that have influenced us in a good sense. At the same time, by unpacking the past and telling our story and explaining ourselves – not just to us, but to others – we can invite help and assistance to break free of those things from our past that are holding us back from the kind of manhood we need to achieve.
It requires every man to take this first step to authentic manhood. It’s the step called “Looking Back.” Are you ready for it? Are you ready to look back? That’s what we’ll be doing in the days to come.