Friday, January 29, 2021

THE STEP-WISE PROCESS OF MARITAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION

 

MARITAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION

 


PREAMBLE

The family is the first and most basic social institution created by God. For this reason, healthy families are the fundamental building blocks of free, just, and prosperous nations.  The first lessons of virtue and self-government are taught and modeled in the home.

The life-long covenant of marriage between a man and woman before their Creator is the foundation of a healthy family. Marriage is created by God. As such, it is a sacred institution. The husband is to lead, sacrificially serve, provide for, and protect those in his home. The wife sacrificially supports and nurtures her husband and children as well as facilitates a loving and safe home environment. Parents bear the first and primary responsibility of educating their children. Their goal is to form virtuous, intelligent, and self-governing human beings with the morals needed to master themselves, and with the knowledge and skills needed to master the world. 







Conflicts in Marriage are normal and natural in the development of relationships and especially in marriage where two unique individuals enter into an intimate union for life.

 

Conflict doesn’t destroy marriages. It is the inability to resolve a conflict that is so destructive. It is often the harsh words or tone that are used during a conflict that is most lasting and causes hurt feelings to linger long after the conflict is resolved.

 

 

THE STEP-WISE PROCESS OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION

The process follows the 4 steps as showed in Matthew 18 and crowned with 1 Corinthians 6.

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church.

Matthew 18:15-17a

 

If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of unbelievers!

1 Corinthians 6:1,5-6

 

The steps are as follows:

 

  • 1. Couples talk about the issue just the two of them (Matt 18: 15 If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over)

     

    When a recurring argument or something big that you are disagreeing on that threatens the strength of your marriage, if it doesn’t get resolved, it is good to have a plan of action to rely on that will help you reach a resolution. Here is a time-tested formula of “Ten Steps to Resolve Conflict

    10 Steps to Resolve a Conflict

    1. Define the issue to be resolved.
    2. Set a time to meet. (Be sure to set it off a little bit earlier so you have time to prepare for your discussion)
    3. Set a private place to meet.
    4. Each begins by praying.
    5. Each shares your position. (This is your opportunity to vent using the 9 Rules for Discussion)
    6. Each points out what he or she has done to contribute to the problem.
    7. Each points out what he or she can do to help resolve the issue.
    8. Agree on a resolution that is acceptable to both.
    9. Write down the resolution.
    10. End in prayer.

     

    Please click Ten Steps to watch 13 Minute Video


    9 Rules for Discussion

    1. Speak in a quiet voice/low tone
    2. Do not interrupt.
    3. Do not bring up the past.
    4. Do not blame.
    5. Do not use profanity.
    6. Do not criticize.
    7. Use “I feel” statements, not attacking “you” statements.
    8. State your feelings, not your partner’s.
    9. Never threaten your relationship.

     

                                  

    1. The couples then involve a third party i.e reputable couple (not relative to either). It could be the Bestman/Matron, Mentor Couple, or any couple the two agree on comfortable for both of them.  (Matt 18:16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses).

    Here the third party is able to identify what fuels the conflict whether it is False expectations / Unreasonable needs, Unclear roles - who lays the bed?, Extra baggage, cultural differences, worldview / belief systems, upbringing (Upper Class), unmet needs, loss of Job, personality differences, Fears, Miscommunication, misunderstandings, Being unequally yoked, Interferences of relatives, friends, in-laws, Personal challenges, Spiritual battles  et.c

    If this stage fails, the couple is then forwarded to the Marrieds’ Committee. The counseling Couple will make a brief report and forward it to the married Committee highlighting the accuser, the charges the accuser brought against the accused, issue(s) identified by the Counselors, Date(s) of counseling, why the counseling was not fruitful, remarks and any recommendations

     

     

    1. The Marrieds’ Committee and the family pastor. If step 2 fails the couple takes it further to the Marrieds Committee and then the Family Pastor.  (Matt 18: 17a If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church). Some couples can be too stubborn/proud to meet the marrieds’ committee so in this case they can meet the family Pastor directly.

     

    If this stage fails, the couple is then forwarded to the Church Family Court. The Family Pastor will make a brief report and forward it to the Church Family Court highlighting the accuser, the charges the accuser brought against the accused, issue(s) identified by the different Counselors, Date(s) of counseling, why the counseling was not fruitful, remarks and any recommendations

     

     

    1. The Church Family Court. The couple then proceeds to the Church Family Court.

    Matthew 18:17b says that if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector AND 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 says that a wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. '

     

    So how do we help this couple?

     

    Therefore Instead of letting the couple go and do lawsuits, the church can establish a church family Court to deliberate on that.  (1 Cor 6:5 I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers?). 

     

    The verdict from this court should be aimed at helping or enriching the couple’s marriage by giving appropriate recommendations.

     

    Thus the church should establish a family court under the Marrieds’ Ministry. When all the other Steps fail, the couple should meet the Church Family Court. (For the Lord is our judge, the Lord is our lawgiver Isaiah 33:22)

     

    The Panel of Judges

    The church Family Court shall be presided over by a Panel of Judges including the Family Pastor, District Married Coordinator(s), Leader of Women’s Ministry, Leader of Men’s Ministry, and a church Elder. A practicing family lawyer (at least a Bachelor’s Degree in Law & LDC, and a Theologian ( at least a Bachelor’s Degree in Marriage and Family therapy) can also be co-opted if possible.

     

    Who should attend the Court Session?

    The church Family Court Session can be attended by the marrieds’ Committee, Women’s Ministry Committee, Men’s Ministry Committee, Marrieds’ Cell members, Bestman, Matron, Mentor Couple, and church Elders.

     

    The Church Family Court Session

    Before the court session, the Panel must have reviewed and synthesized all the counseling reports from the previous levels i.e from the Bestman/Matron/Mentor Couple/Reputable Couple, Marrieds’ Committee and the Family Pastor

     

    On the D-Day

    a)     Opening Prayer

    b)     Accuser brings out the Charges against the Accused

    c)      The accused responds to the Charges

    d)     Probing and Cross Examination on the Issues raised

    e)     The Panelists give their independent Judgments clearly articulating the issues and Key Biblical Recommendations/Solutions

    f)       Closing Prayer

    The ruling of the panel will be binding and the final verdict, the couple must adhere to it. (Matt 18: 18 whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven).

    The ruling by the Church Family Court shall be implemented with support (follow up) from the Marrieds’ Committee, Men’s Committee or Women’s Committee depending on the recommendations. E.g if the Court identifies an issue relating to Intimacy then that will be followed up by the Marrieds’ Committee; if the issue related to gaps in Responsible Biblical Manhood or Men of Valor, then the Men’s Committee handle that and if the issue relates to gaps in Biblical Womanhood or Women of Noble Character, then the Ladies committee handle accordingly.

    In some instances, it could be an issue of Spiritual Growth, Finances, Forgiveness, doctrine, the couple can be supported by the relevant church ministry e.g Discipleship Class, School of Prayer, et.c accordingly.

     When all that Fails to yield positive results, Pray. The Aggrieved Party should consider entering into a long season of seeking the LORD's face

    Some Foundational Scriptures for the Church Family Court

    Love

    'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ' 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

     

    Married for Life

    'To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. ' 1 Corinthians 7:10-11

     

    'For I hate divorce,” says the L ord , the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the L ord of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” ' Malachi 2:16

     

    Forbidden sexual Practices

    '“No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am the Lord . Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her. “Do not have sexual relations with your fathers wife; that would dishonor your father. Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your fathers daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether she was born in the same home or elsewhere. “Do not have sexual relations with your sons daughter or your daughters daughter; that would dishonor you. Do not have sexual relations with the daughter of your fathers wife, born to your father; she is your sister. “Do not have sexual relations with your fathers sister; she is your fathers close relative. Do not have sexual relations with your mothers sister, because she is your mothers close relative. Do not dishonor your father’s brother by approaching his wife to have sexual relations; she is your aunt. “Do not have sexual relations with your daughter-in-law. She is your sons wife; do not have relations with her. Do not have sexual relations with your brother’s wife; that would dishonor your brother. “Do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter. Do not have sexual relations with either her sons daughter or her daughters daughter; they are her close relatives. That is wickedness. ‘Do not take your wife’s sister as a rival wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living. “Do not have sexual relations with your neighbors wife and defile yourself with her. ' Leviticus 18:6-18,20

     

    'Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men '  1 Corinthians 6:9

     

    Alex & Christine Wesigye

    wesigyea@gmail.com | wesigyec@gmail.com

    Are Homosexuals Being Persecuted in Uganda?

     

     

    Source: https://mobile.twitter.com/camanpour/status/1349081639587098634 


    But are Homosexuals really being Persecuted?

     Sharon Slater, in her book, The Family Defense Hand Book: Stand for the Family, clearly articulates 10 Key Strategies used by the Anti-Family Sexual Rights Activists.  She remarked that ‘‘If you watch the anti-family activists systematically implement their agenda at the international, national and local level, an obvious pattern emerges. Their strategies and tactics are very predictable. Along with the Desensitization Strategy, by understanding these other strategies, you will be better able to identify and counteract them.’’

     

     Looking at the above Tweet, let me highlight 2 of the strategies

     1. The Victim Strategy

     I call it ‘play the Victim’. This Victim Strategy has been well used in USA.   Sharon notes that

    ‘‘Existing laws in the United States already protect every individual (regardless of sexual orientation) from harassment and violence. Schools also have policies that protect students from being singled out and harassed. Nevertheless, claims of persecution of homosexual students in schools are used to justify mandatory “tolerance” and “diversity” programs that teach open acceptance of and respect for homosexual behavior. 

    The media have sensationalized accounts of people being attacked allegedly because of their sexual orientation. Yet, in some of these cases, the media later has had to reexamine their initial assertions. The most famous example of this is the Matthew Shepard case. He was cruelly beaten, tortured, and eventually died. Shepard’s friends spread the word that Mathew was openly gay and that the crime likely was motivated because of his lifestyle. The media portrayed this as a bigoted attack on a homosexual. 

    Proposed “hate crimes” legislation in Congress has been named after Shepard and a high school play about him that promotes homosexuality is performed in schools across the nation. However, in re-examining the case years later, ABC News and others concluded that it likely was not a hate crime and that drug use and a desire for money, rather than a hatred of homosexuality, had been the motive for the attack. The lead investigator, former police detective Ben Fritzen, also believed robbery was the primary motive.

    In brief, we should condemn any acts of violence against anyone, but to automatically portray every attack on a homosexual as homophobic is misleading and creates unjustified support for laws, policies and programs that promote homosexuality.’’

     That can be well found in the Tweet and the well scripted questions used in the CNN interview. And Bravo to whoever guide the President in the responses.

     

    2. Emotion Strategy

    Here the activists can’t win on the merits, then they strike an emotional chord, start crying or tell a sad story, and compassion will take over.

     Sharon notes that ‘‘This Strategy was used effectively at the UN during an HIV/AIDS conference in 2006, when, for the first time, an HIV-positive person was invited to speak to the entire UN General Assembly. The woman shared a heart-wrenching story about how she had been abused and infected with AIDS by a man and the tragic consequences she had experienced. She ended her speech demanding abortion rights for women and sexual rights for homosexuals.

    She received a standing ovation because she got everyone emotionally involved with her story—even though her experience had nothing to do with abortion or homosexuality.’’

     

    Can you imagine?

     Referring to the Question , No one is persecuting the LGBT people in Uganda.  It is just a strategy, a well calculated move.

    Do not be deceived. Do not be caught unawares


    But who is behind all this? 

    It is critical to differentiate between homosexual activists who are trying to force their lifestyle on others and homosexuals who are not trying to force their lifestyle on anyone. 

     Homosexuals are people who experience same-sex attraction and who may or may not act on that attraction. Not all homosexuals, including some of those who choose to engage in homosexual sex, support the homosexual agenda. 

     Some homosexuals who act on their same-sex attraction openly and honestly admit that their lifestyle is not healthy, but they choose it anyway. Others have sought therapy and have successfully reoriented to heterosexuality, and some are even working to protect traditional marriage and the family. 

    In contrast, homosexual activists are people who are pushing an agenda to change our society by changing our laws and values. They are literally seeking to destroy the traditional family. Homosexual activists promote the homosexual agenda, which is a calculated, well-planned, well-organized and well-financed effort to mainstream homosexuality into our society by redefining marriage and family and indoctrinating our children about the homosexual lifestyle. 

    We can genuinely care about homosexuals and value them as individuals and still oppose the “homosexual agenda” which is not only harmful to society, but which is also harmful to homosexuals 

    The homosexual activists are the ones who are not content simply to “live and let live.” They are the ones who are deliberately and aggressively attempting to destroy all of society’s sexual norms and the essential social institutions—such as marriage and the family—which uphold them. 

     

     But should we care? Why should we oppose these Activists?

     Research (NARTH), has proven that homosexuals (mainly the male representatives) have much greater prevalence of pathology than the general population. This has been proven true in several areas, 

     including the following:

    • Suicidal risk-taking in unprotected sex

    • Violence

    • Antisocial behavior

    • Substance abuse

    • Suicidality

    • Promiscuity

    • Paraphilias

    • Being paid for sex

    • Sexual addiction

    • Personality disorders

    • Psychopathology

     

    With regard to women who choose the lesbian lifestyle, NARTH reported:

    Lesbians have much greater problems than their heterosexual counterparts, particularly in health issues. Findings from a national survey of approximately 1,925 lesbians, the largest to date, revealed that over 50 percent had considered suicide and 18 percent had attempted suicide; 37 percent had been physically abused; 32 percent had been raped/sexually attacked; and 19 percent had been in incestuous relationships. Almost one-third used tobacco daily and about 30 percent drank alcohol more than once a week.”

     Consider these disturbing statistics regarding homosexual men: 

    • A study of homosexual and bisexual men published in the Journal of Sex Research found that the average number of sexual partners was 755.2. Some had had thousands of partners.

     • In a study of 2,583 homosexuals also published in the Journal of Sex Research, an evaluation of the older homosexual men found that “the modal range for number of male sexual partners ever was 101-500.” Between 10.2 percent and 15.7 percent had more than 1,000 sexual partners.

     • Even though homosexuals represent a very small percentage of the U.S. population150 (the widely accepted number based on a recent survey by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is 1.6 percent identify as homosexual and 0.7 percent as bisexual151), about a third of child sexual abuse cases involve homosexuals.

     • A study in Canada showed that life expectancy of young adult homosexual and bisexual men is 8 to 20 years less than for all men. The researchers estimated that if the trend were to continue, nearly half of homosexual and bisexual men who were 20 years old at the time of the study likely would not live to the age of 65 years.

     Increasing research in the United States and around the world documents the physical and mental health problems that are more prevalent among those in the homosexual lifestyle than among the general heterosexual population. For example: 

    • A university-supported nationwide survey in Australia found that homosexuals fared much worse than heterosexuals on a wide range of health and wellbeing issues.

     • The World Health Organization reports that HIV infection rates are “exploding” among homosexuals worldwide.

     • Both the British government  and the U.S. government report alarming increases in the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases including syphilis among homosexuals in their countries.

     • The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention also found in a research survey that homosexual men are significantly more likely to be victims of intimate partner sexual violence.

     • An Australian study of suicides found that, rather than family rejection and other causes commonly claimed, it was the stress of relationship problems, which occur at a higher rate among same sex couples, that was the predominant cause of the higher homosexual suicide rate.

     

    Many homosexual activists claim these negative statistics that correlate with their lifestyle are caused by societal rejection of homosexuals and that if same-sex marriage is legalized and homosexuality mainstreamed throughout society that these negative statistics will disappear. However, in countries where same-sex marriage is legalized and the homosexual lifestyle is more widely accepted, there is no evidence that any of these negative statistics have decreased. This indicates that these negative outcomes are likely caused by the lifestyle itself, rather than societal disapproval of homosexuality.

    • A university-supported nationwide survey in Australia found that homosexuals fared much worse than heterosexuals on a wide range of health and wellbeing issues.

     • The World Health Organization reports that HIV infection rates are “exploding” among homosexuals worldwide.

     • Both the British government156 and the U.S. government report alarming increases in the incidence of sexually transmitted diseases including syphilis among homosexuals in their countries.

     • The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention also found in a research survey that homosexual men are significantly more likely to be victims of intimate partner sexual violence.

     • An Australian study of suicides found that, rather than family rejection and other causes commonly claimed, it was the stress of relationship problems, which occur at a higher rate among same sex couples, that was the predominant cause of the higher homosexual suicide rate.

     

     What Would Compel You to Stand for Traditional Family Structure?

    The institution of man/woman marriage:

    • Channels sexual relations in a manner that provides the greatest benefit to individuals and society.

    • Helps men live more responsibly and productively.

    • Transforms men into husbands/fathers and women into wives/mothers.

    • Binds potential parents together to raise the biological children they create.

    • Legally binds fathers to their biological children. (Mothers are always present at birth, but not so with fathers.)

    • Provides the optimal environment in which to raise children.

    • Generates the best outcomes in the areas of health, wealth and overall happiness for men, women and children.

     

    Outcomes According to Family Structure

      When compared to heterosexual men, men who engage in homosexual behavior:

    • experience a significantly higher rate of domestic violence with their partners.

    • are up to seven times more likely to attempt suicide.

    • have a lower life expectancy by 20 to 30 years.

    • have an incidence of HIV/AIDS that is up to 430 times higher.

    • have three times the number of drug and alcohol dependencies.

    • are significantly more promiscuous, with very few maintaining fidelity.

    • are more than twice as likely to have an STD.

    • are significantly more likely to engage in pedophilia.

    • are much more likely to have mental and emotional disorders/illnesses.

    • are at higher risk of deliberate self-harm

     

    When compared to heterosexual youth, youth who engage in homosexual behavior:

    • are at increased risk of suffering major depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

    • are associated with more school and runaway problems.

    • are more likely to attempt suicide.

    • experience a much higher rate of alcoholism.

    • are more likely to engage in substance abuse.

    • are more likely to engage in high-risk sexual behavior.

     

    When compared to heterosexual women, lesbian women:

    • are significantly more likely to be victims of domestic violence.

    • experience a much higher rate of sexual coercion by their partner.

    • are more likely to use drugs and alcohol

    • have a significantly higher risk of developing general anxiety disorder.

    • are twice as likely to attempt suicide.

    • are at higher risk for breast cancer.

    • are at higher risk of deliberate self-harm

     Due to limited space I have left out findings from a purely economic perspective, there are enormous tangible costs to society that emanate from family breakdown Thus  by safeguarding the vital institutions of marriage and family, governments could save millions, if not billions, of dollars annually

     

     Source: Family Defense Handbook-Stand for the Family ~ Sharon Slater

    Available at https://www.amazon.com/Stand-Family-Sharon-Slater/dp/0977881490


    I Stand For The Family, Will You?

    Alex Wesigye

    wesigyea@gmail.com