MARITAL CONFLICT RESOLUTION
PREAMBLE
The
family is the first and most basic social institution created by God. For this
reason, healthy families are the fundamental building blocks of free, just, and
prosperous nations. The first lessons of
virtue and self-government are taught and modeled in the home.
The
life-long covenant of marriage between a man and woman before their Creator is
the foundation of a healthy family. Marriage is created by God. As such, it is
a sacred institution. The husband is to lead, sacrificially serve, provide for,
and protect those in his home. The wife sacrificially supports and nurtures her husband and
children as well as facilitates a loving and safe home environment.
Parents bear the first and primary responsibility of educating their children.
Their goal is to form virtuous, intelligent, and self-governing human beings
with the morals needed to master themselves, and with the knowledge and skills
needed to master the world.
Conflicts in Marriage
are normal and natural in the development of relationships and especially in
marriage where two unique individuals enter into an intimate union for life.
Conflict doesn’t
destroy marriages. It is the inability to resolve a conflict that is so destructive.
It is often the harsh words or tone that are used during a conflict that is
most lasting and causes hurt feelings to linger long after the conflict is
resolved.
THE
STEP-WISE PROCESS OF CONFLICT RESOLUTION
The process follows
the 4 steps as showed in Matthew 18 and crowned with 1 Corinthians 6.
If your
brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of
you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not
listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established
by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen,
tell it to the church.
Matthew
18:15-17a
If any of
you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for
judgment instead of before the Lord’s people? I say this to shame you. Is it
possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between
believers? But instead, one brother takes another to court—and this in front of
unbelievers!
1 Corinthians 6:1,5-6
The steps are as
follows:
When a recurring argument or something big that you are
disagreeing on that threatens the strength of your marriage, if it doesn’t get
resolved, it is good to have a plan of action to rely on that will help you
reach a resolution. Here is a time-tested formula of “Ten Steps to Resolve
Conflict
10 Steps to Resolve a
Conflict
- Define
the issue to be resolved.
- Set
a time to meet. (Be sure to set it off a little bit earlier so you have
time to prepare for your discussion)
- Set
a private place to meet.
- Each
begins by praying.
- Each
shares your position. (This is your opportunity to vent using the 9 Rules for Discussion)
- Each
points out what he or she has done to contribute to the problem.
- Each
points out what he or she can do to help resolve the issue.
- Agree
on a resolution that is acceptable to both.
- Write
down the resolution.
- End
in prayer.
Please click Ten Steps to watch 13 Minute Video
9
Rules for Discussion
- Speak
in a quiet voice/low tone
- Do
not interrupt.
- Do
not bring up the past.
- Do
not blame.
- Do
not use profanity.
- Do
not criticize.
- Use
“I feel” statements, not attacking “you” statements.
- State
your feelings, not your partner’s.
- Never
threaten your relationship.
- The couples then involve a third party
i.e reputable couple (not relative to either). It could be the Bestman/Matron,
Mentor Couple, or any couple the two agree on comfortable for both of them.
(Matt 18:16 But
if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every
matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses).
Here the third party is able to identify what fuels the
conflict whether it is False expectations / Unreasonable needs, Unclear roles - who lays the bed?, Extra baggage,
cultural differences, worldview / belief systems, upbringing (Upper Class), unmet needs, loss of Job, personality differences, Fears,
Miscommunication, misunderstandings, Being unequally yoked, Interferences of
relatives, friends, in-laws, Personal challenges, Spiritual battles et.c
If this stage fails,
the couple is then forwarded to the Marrieds’ Committee. The counseling Couple
will make a brief report and forward it to the married Committee highlighting
the accuser, the charges the accuser brought against the accused, issue(s)
identified by the Counselors, Date(s) of counseling, why the counseling was not
fruitful, remarks and any recommendations
- The Marrieds’ Committee and the family
pastor. If step 2 fails the couple takes it further to the Marrieds Committee
and then the Family Pastor. (Matt 18: 17a If they still refuse to listen, tell it
to the church). Some couples can be too
stubborn/proud to meet the marrieds’ committee so in this case they can
meet the family Pastor directly.
If this stage fails,
the couple is then forwarded to the Church Family Court. The Family Pastor will
make a brief report and forward it to the Church Family Court highlighting the
accuser, the charges the accuser brought against the accused, issue(s)
identified by the different Counselors, Date(s) of counseling, why the
counseling was not fruitful, remarks and any recommendations
- The Church Family
Court. The couple then proceeds to the Church Family Court.
Matthew 18:17b says that if they refuse to
listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector AND
1 Corinthians 7:10-11 says that a wife must not separate from her husband. But
if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.
And a husband must not divorce his wife. '
So how do
we help this couple?
Therefore Instead of
letting the couple go and do lawsuits, the church can establish a church family
Court to deliberate on that. (1 Cor 6:5 I say this to shame you. Is it
possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between
believers?).
The verdict from
this court should be aimed at helping or enriching the couple’s marriage by
giving appropriate recommendations.
Thus the church
should establish a family court under the Marrieds’ Ministry. When all the
other Steps fail, the couple should meet the Church Family Court. (For
the Lord is our judge, the Lord is our lawgiver Isaiah 33:22)
The
Panel of Judges
The church Family Court shall be presided
over by a Panel of Judges including the Family Pastor, District Married
Coordinator(s), Leader of Women’s Ministry, Leader of Men’s Ministry, and a church
Elder. A practicing family lawyer (at
least a Bachelor’s Degree in Law & LDC, and a Theologian ( at least a Bachelor’s Degree in Marriage and
Family therapy) can also be co-opted if possible.
Who
should attend the Court Session?
The church Family Court Session can be
attended by the marrieds’ Committee, Women’s Ministry Committee, Men’s Ministry
Committee, Marrieds’ Cell members, Bestman, Matron, Mentor Couple, and church
Elders.
The
Church Family Court Session
Before the court
session, the Panel must have reviewed and synthesized all the counseling
reports from the previous levels i.e from the Bestman/Matron/Mentor
Couple/Reputable Couple, Marrieds’ Committee and the Family Pastor
On the D-Day
a) Opening Prayer
b) Accuser brings out
the Charges against the Accused
c) The accused responds
to the Charges
d) Probing and Cross
Examination on the Issues raised
e) The Panelists give
their independent Judgments clearly articulating the issues and Key Biblical Recommendations/Solutions
f) Closing Prayer
The ruling of the panel will be binding and the final verdict, the couple must adhere to it. (Matt 18: 18 whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven).
The ruling by the Church Family Court shall be implemented with support (follow up) from the Marrieds’ Committee, Men’s Committee or Women’s Committee depending on the recommendations. E.g if the Court identifies an issue relating to Intimacy then that will be followed up by the Marrieds’ Committee; if the issue related to gaps in Responsible Biblical Manhood or Men of Valor, then the Men’s Committee handle that and if the issue relates to gaps in Biblical Womanhood or Women of Noble Character, then the Ladies committee handle accordingly.
In some instances, it
could be an issue of Spiritual Growth, Finances, Forgiveness, doctrine, the
couple can be supported by the relevant church ministry e.g Discipleship Class,
School of Prayer, et.c accordingly.
Some Foundational Scriptures
for the Church Family Court
Love
'Love is
patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It
does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it
keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the
truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love
never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are
tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ' 1
Corinthians 13:4-8
Married
for Life
'To the married
I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her
husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to
her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. ' 1 Corinthians 7:10-11
'For I hate divorce,” says the L ord , the
God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with wrong,” says the L ord of
hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.” ' Malachi
2:16
Forbidden
sexual Practices
'“ ‘No one is to approach any close relative to have sexual relations. I am
the Lord . “ ‘Do not dishonor your father by having sexual
relations with your mother. She is your mother; do not have relations with her.
“ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your father’s wife; that would dishonor your father. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your sister, either your father’s daughter or your mother’s daughter, whether she was born in the same
home or elsewhere. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your son’s daughter or your daughter’s daughter; that would dishonor you. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with the daughter of your father’s wife, born to your father; she is your sister. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your father’s sister; she is your father’s close relative. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your mother’s sister, because she is your mother’s close relative. “ ‘Do not dishonor your father’s brother by approaching his wife to have
sexual relations; she is your aunt. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your daughter-in-law. She is your son’s wife; do not have relations with her. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your brother’s wife; that would
dishonor your brother. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with both a woman and her daughter. Do not
have sexual relations with either her son’s daughter or her daughter’s daughter; they are her close relatives. That is wickedness. “ ‘Do not take your wife’s sister as a rival
wife and have sexual relations with her while your wife is living. “ ‘Do not have sexual relations with your
neighbor’s wife and defile yourself with her. ' Leviticus
18:6-18,20
'Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not
inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral
nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men ' 1 Corinthians 6:9
Alex & Christine Wesigye
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