A Theology of Sex: Unequal Desire

What did God create first: hunger or food? Did God make man hungry and then in­vent food to fill the need? Or did God first invent food and then give man an appetite which would motivate him, drive him, to pursue that good gift?

Along with sex, God created sexual desire. God gives a man sexual desire, a sexual appe­tite, because he wants him to have sex with his wife. HE gives him a strong appetite that surpasses any kind of biological purpose because HE wants the couple to have sex a lot. This sexual desire motivates a man to pursue a wife and to marry her so together they can enjoy sex. This desire motivates a man to keep pursu­ing his wife even after they are married. Without this desire, it would be far easier for us to avoid carrying out our God-given duty to have sex (and lots of it) and through it to experi­ence intimacy and unity (and lots of it). If we did not experience pangs of hun­ger we might not eat. If we stopped eating, our bodies would stop repairing themselves and we would die. If we did not experience sexual desire, we might not have sex. And if we stopped having sex, our marriages would suffer and die. Sexual desire, then, is a gift of God given not to torment but to motivate obedience. When a husband inevi­tably feels sexual desire it is a nudge to­ward pursuing his wife.

Yet the appetite for sex, is not given in equal measure. It is typically given in greater part to men. God intends that men take leadership even in sex and, therefore, HE gives to men a greater desire for it. This way men can lead their wives, taking the initiative, taking care to love their wives in such a way that they wish to have sex with their husbands. Generally speak­ing, a man finds intimacy and acceptance through sex while a woman needs to first experience inti­macy and acceptance before she can be prepared to enjoy sex. And so God gives the man a sexual appetite so he can in turn provide for his wife’s needs before she provides for his. If the woman were to lead in this regard, if she were to always be the sexual instigator, the hus­band would be far less likely to pursue his wife and seek to meet her unique needs. He does this by meeting the desires of his wife that will, in turn, cause her to see and appre­ciate and eventually fulfill his desires. And then, in that act of consummation, God grants a grace that surpasses the mere union of flesh and blood.

Source: Sexual Detox, A guide for the married guy