The Quest #10:Three Cheers For Mentors

From Dad to Whom?

After yesterday's blog, We need to acknowledge that Dad can only take his son so far in life. We don’t like to believe that as dads, but dad can only take a son so far in life. That’s why a son needs to be handed off to other men – to mentors – and blessed is the man whose life is filled with mentors – even one mentor. It’s wonderful to have that.

That’s because male mentors are specialists who are used to expanding and enriching a young man’s life. They enter a son’s life at various points in his life journey, and they teach a young man skills his father could not. And they call a young man to pursuits and feats his father could not imagine. They empower a young man with resources and confidences and wisdom that’s often outside his father’s ability – all in the context of mutual admiration. Because you get to where you admire each other; you admire the mentor – and the mentor admires you. That’s the role of the mentor; to carry on the training and empowering that a dad began, but a dad couldn’t finish. And no dad can finish it. There have to be other men in your life.

Comments About a Mentor

1.    He is one who supports. He is one who supports, rather than competes with you.

2. Secondly, he is one who is primarily a cheerleader, not a critic. One of the great things about a mentor is he’s not going to see what’s wrong in you; he’s going to see what’s right about you. For dads, as your sons get older, sometimes – and they’re wonderful sons – but sometimes it’s just the natural inclination of a dad to find the things that a son’s not doing. Keep picking at it. But the mentor comes and he doesn’t notice so much the soft spots; he notices the things that are right about you, and he can feel those things and the power those things could have if they could be further developed, and he wants to breathe even more life into those things.

3. He’s the one that seeks to encourage the development of your gifts while seeking to protect you from costly mistakes. 

4. He is the one who admires and delights in you because he instinctively recognizes your value and untapped potential.

One of the things about a mentor that’s always unique is that he has a gut feel for you. He can listen to you. It’s like I listened to this young man on video and his sermon, and I was just sitting there listening and I could feel ‘this guy can preach. This guy’s got a future. He’s a leader and he needs to know that.’And that’s what mentors do, they have a gut feel for your potential.

5. He’s not necessarily a close friend. He may become a close friend, but you know a lot of mentors don’t become your close friend, but they do become a close confidante. They are safe people that you can say things to that you can hardly say to anyone else.

Is Mentoring Different from Discipleship?

The answer is yes and no. 

No, in that both mentoring and discipleship seek to impart wisdom to a young man and unleash the best in him.

Mentoring does that and discipleship does that. They call a young man up and out, to get better in his life.

But yes, there is a difference between mentoring and discipleship in that discipleship always has a spiritual center to it. It always has Biblical moorings and roots to it; whereas mentoring may or may not. Mentoring may be purely secular in that sense. It may be to help you become a better investor of your money, or a better manager of your company. It can be in a host of things and purely one-dimensional. But discipleship always has a tie to life – spiritual life. So there is a difference, but in some ways they’re also the same.

The best mentoring that there is in any area, or in any field, is mentoring that ties the occasion to the bigger scope of life.

What a mentor brings to the table

1. He brings wisdom through experience. It’s the mentor who can say, ‘I’ve been there. I can tell you what’s on the other side of the river.’ we do a lot of premarital work with couples who are getting married. One of the things that we try to provide for these couples as they go through this pre-marriage training is to know what it’s going to be like on the other side of the river when they get married.

But not only that, but we go ahead and provide for them a mentor for their married life; to walk with them. How rich is that!? To have somebody I can call  as I’m trying to adjust to this whole new experience, but that’s what a mentor provides is wisdom.

2. Secondly, a mentor provides warnings. They’ll mentor them and say, “you want to know what it’s really like? We’ll tell you what it’s really like.” And they give them that experience before they get there, But that’s what mentors do; they provide wisdom; they provide warnings.

3.  Thirdly, a belief in you. It’s good to be believed in! We all need that. In Acts, you have this moment where Paul is on this missionary journey with a friend named Barnabas and a young man named John Mark. Evidently Paul got to the place where he was irritated with John Mark. He didn’t think he had the right stuff, and so he told John Mark, basically to catch a ride and go back home. And Barnabas objected, because he thought John Mark was worth investing in.

And they had a spat there. They had a fight about whether to bring John Mark along, and eventually, John Mark and Barnabas left and Paul went on. Barnabas continued to believe in this young man and build into his life. And evidently, Barnabas knew what he was doing because at the end of Paul’s life – when he’s in prison, when he’s about to die at the hands of the Romans – he pens this letter in 2 Timothy and he says, “when you come to visit me, would you pick up John Mark because he’s valuable to me.” That’s what a mentor can do. He can believe in you and maybe for you, allow you to believe in yourself.

4. Fourthly, he cheers for your achievements. Sometimes, you can mentor, what I call “mentor for a moment.” Just for a moment you can be a mentor and unleash that power. There are young men all around town who today, just by putting your hand on their shoulder and saying, “you know, I’ve been watching you here. You do a good job.” You can just feel the life going into them, because you, a veteran, and you’re cheering for him. 

5. In some instances, a mentor brings to the table being a proven hero. Not every mentor’s a hero. In fact, most mentors would look at themselves and say, ‘I’m no hero. I mean, maybe I can share some things, but most of my life is filled with pock marks, and flaws and mistakes.” And that’s right, that’s part of what a mentor gives away; the raw experiences of life.

But young men need heroes. They need older men they can believe in. They’re not perfect; but they’re good men and these younger men want to be like them. And in some cases, you’re going to have a young man who locks on you and even though you may not believe it, he says, ‘You’re my hero.’ And we need heroes today.

There are guys who are around with eyes looking to and fro every day, wanting to find a hero who can let them live in this life a heroic life. It’s worth living that! It’s the quest for authentic manhood. And older men need to be constantly calling these younger men up – and even in that process, looking at ourselves and saying, ‘you know, up is a worthy place to go.’

 The Bible is filled with mentors and mentoring

Here are just some of the examples: You have Moses and Jethro; you have Joshua and Moses; you have Ezra and Nehemiah; Elisha and Elijah; John Mark and Barnabas; Timothy and Paul. 

Two of the letters of the New Testament – 1^st and 2^nd Timothy – are nothing more than mentoring letters. Paul, an older man, trying to build in and make successful a younger man. You have the 12 disciples and Jesus. It says, “and He chose 12, that they might be with Him.” And why did He need them with Him? So He could build and breathe into their life a vision – not for a little lake where they could go fishing, but for a whole world where they could fish for men. That’s what He breathed into them. He believed.

Exodus 18 says, and it’s with this occasion where an older man, Jethro, ministers to his son-in-law Moses. He says to Moses; he saw all that he, Moses, was doing for the people, and Jethro said,

“What is this thing you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge and sit and all the people stand before you from morning until evening? The thing you’re doing is not good. (He was trying to judge this whole nation of Israel by himself. He was a young guy and he didn’t know how to manage; he didn’t have the basic Management 101 Course yet.) And so his father-in-law says, “you’re going to wear yourself out. And you’re going to wear these people out, for the task is too heavy for you; you cannot do it alone. Now listen to me, and I shall give you counsel.”

And if you want to look at that some time today, look at Exodus 18. He lays down an unbelievable management blueprint - an organizational blueprint of how to do justice for a whole nation. And Moses listens and the people prosper.

In 1 Thessalonians 2. Here’s Paul speaking to a group of Thessalonians, just a small house church of people, but he’s mentoring them. And he says,

“Having so fond affection for you (see, he notices them. ‘I have a fond affection for you.’) and because of that I’m well-pleased to impart to you, not only the gospel of God, but I’m also willing to impart my very life. (‘I’m willing to invest in you.’) Just as you know how we were exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you, as a father (‘I’m not your father’ but mentors are father-like) …as a father with his own children. And here’s my goal for you; that you might walk in a manner worthy of God who calls you into His kingdom and glory. (‘I want you to live UP! And I’m willing to impart my very life to get you there.’)

10 marks of a good mentor

This is a blueprint for you younger men to choose a mentor, from Howard Hendricks’ book As Iron Sharpens Iron.

1.   First, a mentor is a man who clearly has what you personally need.

2.  Secondly, he chooses to cultivate a relationship with you. A mentoring relationship is not a forced relationship. You must both want it.

3.   Thirdly, he’s willing to take a chance on you.

4. Fourth, he is respected by other men. And that’s an important thing if you have a mentor in your life – that he’s respected by other men. You know he’s the real deal.

5.   Fifth, he has a network of resources.

6. Sixth, he’s consulted by others.

7.   Seventh, he both talks and listens.

8. Eighth, he is consistent in his lifestyle. You can have a guy mentoring in one area of your life, but if you notice other areas of his life are out of control, then beware, because he may not be mentoring you out of integrity. He may be really good at business, but if his home life and personal life are wrecked, you need to beware of his business mentoring.

9. He is able to diagnose your real needs. He has the ability to speak and connect with you. It’s like this guy has a way connecting the dots in this young man’s life. It creates sparks of energy and excitement about life. He can diagnose your real needs.

10. And then, finally, he is concerned with your interests. That’s his focus; not his interests, but yours.

The impact of mentoring 

A) For The Mentor

Every man, at some level, ought to be a mentor before his life is over. And here’s why.

1)  It closes the loop on a man’s life cycle. It gives an older man a reason to live; not just to play golf/foot ball. Not just to retire at a lake; it gives him a reason to live, at the tail end of his life. He can invest and close the loop with meaning and purpose by investing down in a whole generation of young men.

2) It connects older and younger men in a symbiotic relationship. That word symbiotic a biological term that just means two organisms come together for the mutual benefit of both. The benefit to the young man is that he gets wisdom. The benefit to the older man is he gets a reason to live – a purpose for life.

3) It allows an older man to teach naturally from experience. You don’t have to be some great teacher. You just share your life. Younger men desperately need and want that.

4) It gives an older man a significant purpose, in the second half of life.

5) It adds a missing satisfaction to an older man’s life. If you’re an older man – and when I say ‘older man’ – 40, 50, 60 – and you want an added dimension to your life, you begin to connect with a younger man in some way.

B) For his protégé (Mentee) 

What does mentoring do for the protégé? 

1) It gives him hope. He gets to know he can do it, because an older man is saying ‘you can do it.’

2) It gives him wisdom in time. The older man says, ‘here’s how you can do it. And here’s how you can avoid taking unnecessary hits in life.’

3) It gives him a bigger personal vision for his life. ‘You can do much more than you’re doing right now.’ That’s what a mentor says. ‘You can go much further than you’re thinking right now.’

4) It gives him Encouragement.

 That’s what a protégé gets – hope, wisdom, a vision for life and encouragement.

Want to be a Mentor?

What do you do if you want to be a mentor? 

1) Make a list of your strengths and experiences that you can bless a younger man’s life with. This is most important because you’ve got some strengths. Every man does. But as you get older, you’ve got a host of experiences that a younger man desperately needs. So make a list of what those are.

2) Determine how much time you have to give.

3) Pray for and choose a young man or men you want to be with and reach out to him. Look around; just begin to pray and say, “God, I want to know; where’s a young man I can invest in?” And just wait and you may find a miracle moment where God says, “There’s the guy, right over there. That’s the one I want you to have.”

4) finally, if you do connect with a young man, then initiate some regular time together until he has what he needs. Then let him go. This is not a forever relationship, necessarily. It might develop into a great friendship. If it does, great; but you’re there to give him what he needs, and then once he gets what he needs, let him go.

You’re like one of those big tanker planes, and he’s like that jet fighter that gets right up under it. And you put the hose down, and you fill him up. But you don’t stay there, do you? Once you fill him up, you let him go. And let him fly. That’s what a mentoring relationship is all about. So that’s what you can do if you want to be a mentor.

Need, but Lack a Mentor?

This is for younger guys. 

1. Pray for wisdom and guidance. You can use those 10 characteristics of a mentor Howard Hendricks gives. It gives you a grid to look for a mentor.

 2. Go and ask courageously– this is the most important one. Once you spy out this mentor, go and ask him to mentor you. Most older men will not come to you and say “I want to mentor you.” Okay? Comrades, most of them – there’ll be a few – but most older men don’t have the confidence to say, “you know, I’d like to start spending time with you.’ So that’s going to mean, you spy them out and you go and say, ‘hey, would you spend a little time with me? I’d like to ask you about your life.’ And say ‘”I’d like to learn from it.’ And then maybe you can even formalize it, ‘will you spend some regular time just kind of helping me think through life?’ And that honors an older man, and a lot of time it engages him to spend time with you.

3. Don’t get discouraged if you get turned down. Because some Comrades just won’t feel capable of doing that, but many will.

4. Get a group and ask an older man to “mentor us”. And then if there’s a Comrade you really want and maybe he turns you down, Go get a group of young men that want to spend time with him and then go ask him again. Say, ‘will you now not mentor me; will you mentor all of us?’ Leverage him through numbers. And if he has three or four young guys saying ‘hey, would you spend some time with us?’ again that honors him and he says, ‘you know, I will. I’ll do that for you.’

Comrades, we’re finishing this whole concept of relationships and we talked about being disconnected is where a man wounds himself; it’s a self-inflicted wound. We’ve talked about the fact that this wound occurs when men are disconnected from one another, peers for support and from older men for wisdom. “It is a poor man who goes through life without men on his inside.”

It’s a poor man – you’re going to make a huge mistake – you’re going to put on your life a huge self-inflicted wound if you go through life without letting a few men on the inside of your life. This is the golden piece of advice-Don’t go through life without Comrades on your inside.

And for you older men, it‘s a shame for you to keep your wisdom to yourself

👍🏽 Robert Lewis

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The Quest #9: The All-Alone Wound

We have been on a journey the last few days, and much of that journey was unpacking the relationship or the lack of relationship, that we had with our dad and with our mom. Today, that we’re going to leave all that behind. We’re going to move more into the present tense and where we are now; the things that we deal with on the day-do-day.

And today, I want to introduce you to a different kind of wound; a wound that most often is self-inflicted by a man upon himself. The All-Alone Wound, and it’s where a man hurts himself by refusing to see life as it really is.

Where we are now and how well connected we are, or disconnected, has a lot to do with the quality of each man’s life today.

3 Significant Relationships

There are three significant relationships that empower and energize a man’s life and they take a man through the full season of his life.

1. The Admiring Mentor. This is a relationship that occurs most often in the first half of life for a young man, though it’s not necessarily relegated to just the first half of life. There are older men who go all the way through their life having some man just ahead of them, that serves as a sage for his life. But most often, the Admiring Mentor occurs in the first half of life.

It’s with a coach; or a teacher; or a special relative; or maybe it’s your first employer who took a special interest for one reason or another. People like this – these Admiring Mentors that kind of come unexpectedly into your life. You can’t buy them; they oftentimes just show up.

But they do more than befriend you. They go deeper into your life because they choose to go there. They recognize your potential. Unlike the others that are around you, somehow they see the best in you. They see where you can go, and what you could be. You become special to them and you know it. Your success becomes one of the desires of their heart. And they have kind of a twinkle in their eye when they look at you.

Their admiration empowers you. And I don’t know if you’ve ever had an Admiring Mentor. If you don’t have an older man, when you’re younger, who’s admiring you and calling out the best in you – you know, it leaves a loss. A mentor can do something that a dad really can’t do. He can see sometimes more than a dad could ever see.

2. The Side-by-Side Friend, This should occur over all of life. These are the guys that you have a spoken or unspoken loyalty to. They’re the people that you can get down and get dirty with. You can share anything with and you know as you deposit that into their hands, they’re going to hold it safely. They may be rough with you with what you say, but it’s all between just you and them, and there’s a certain sacredness within that relationship, because real friends are soul-mates. They’re transparent partners in life.

There’s not a lot of places you can go to be transparent and unload your soul. But you can with a good friend. And blessed is the man who has even one in his life.

3. The Needy Protégé. This relationship for a man occurs mainly in the second half of life; it’s on the other side of being a mentor. The word ‘protégé’ is a French word. It literally means in French to protect. In a Webster’s dictionary It means “one whose welfare is promoted by another person.” And in this case someone else’s welfare is promoted by you.

You’re seasoned in life; you have the rough-and-tumble experiences of life; you’ve been hurt; and you’ve won. You’ve been foolish and you’ve been wise. There’s this wealth of experience that you now carry – good and bad – in your life. You’re an older man. But what do you carry it for? One of the great places that wealth of material needs to be deposited is into a younger man’s life, The Needy Protégé.

And so somewhere along in your life, you’re going to have young men cross your path. It’ll start in your mid - 40’s and continue until the day you die. There’ll be opportunities for you to energize and empower another man – to bless his life; to knight him with just a hand on his shoulder, or you look him in the eyes, and you smile and you say, ‘you know, you’re good.’ And his whole life changes in that moment because someone believed in him.

Somewhere along the line you’ll have that opportunity and you may squander that opportunity. You may be oblivious to that opportunity, but they’re going to be there for you – this young man that you need to lock on and – for whatever reason – believe in; for no gain of your own -- other than just simply to admire his efforts and to care for his soul, and to help to go higher and higher and farther than he ever thought he could go.

Men were meant to have satisfaction in the second half of life by investing in younger men. Because there is something you gain out of it. You gain an energy and a meaning and a purpose for your life as an older man by making a difference in younger men. You empower, but it also empowers you. And blessed is the man who invests down, in the next generation, and enjoys it.

Those are the 3 relationships that keep a man connected and energized, and empowered. It’s the Admiring Mentor relationship; it’s the Side-by- Side Friend – it’s connecting to the Needy Protégé. And hopefully, you’ll have all three of those experiences before you say ‘good-bye’ to this life. Without these three relationships, a man is going to be impoverished in his life. And that brings us to this wound, the All-Alone Wound. What is that?

The All-Alone Wound Defined

Definition: It’s the social, emotional or spiritual loss. You socially come up short; you emotionally come up short; you spiritually come up short. Why? Because of the lack of healthy male comradeship. And it results in 3 things:

1. Loneliness and discouragement.
2. Foolish behaviors, and
3. Blind spots and a shortsighted masculinity.

The All-Alone Wound is self-inflicted. It’s the one wound you give yourself, but it need not be that way.

The Point
Here’s the point: every man benefits from the company of other men. Men who are pulling on him in life, in a good sense. Men who are pushing him higher, male cheerleaders for him.
A band of brothers. Every man needs it for his life. And often we have it, kind of naturally in our youth, maybe it’s our naiveté, or innocence but we tend to join with younger man and run around together in raw honesty, isn’t that right? When you were a kid – when you were in high school or even college?

But with the advent of career and wife and family, and wants, and needs, and activities, and responsibilities – those youthful friendships fade away. And new adult friendships are hard to start, aren’t they? And if we’re not careful, somewhere in our mid-20s and early 30s, we look up with all kinds of acquaintances – but no friends. We’re all alone. And we know it. We end up The Friendless Male which, by the way, is epidemic today. You go out and take a survey – survey after survey says that most men today are lonely. They know a lot of people, but they’re not known, really by anyone. They end up living lives of “quiet desperation.” Is that you? Do you feel that pain? A life of quiet desperation – disconnected from any authentic community of men - with suppressed pain and suppressed feelings, and suppressed longings, and superficial conversations and nowhere to go with it, because you’re all alone.

A study was done in (USA) Southern Methodist University and here was the conclusion of the finding on men. It says this:
“The data indicates that even the most intimate of male friendships, of which there are few, rarely approach the depths of disclosure a woman commonly has with other women. Men who neither bare themselves nor bear with one another are buddies in name only.”

It’s like one businessman who said, “you know, my business has increased tenfold this last year. It’s been unbelievable! Man, I’m movin’! It’s fast-paced; I’ve been successful, but I’m tired and I’m all alone.” That’s the friendless male - prosperous oftentimes, active - but lonely. And that kind of isolation can have significant downsides to it.

The Significant Downside to Isolation 
Let me give you 4 of the downsides of being alone. And I’m not talking about not knowing anybody. We all know people. We’re more connected than we’ve ever been in this wired world, but we’re more alone than we’ve ever been, which is an odd irony. Here are the four:
1. First, a warped perspective on life. Self-deceit comes about by being disconnected. Proverbs 14:12 says this: (look at this statement) “There is a way that seems right to a man (every man thinks he’s got it figured out alone). There is a way that seems right to man, but the way therein is death.”

The point of this passage of Scripture – this wisdom statement of Solomon – is this, alone we can talk ourselves into anything. You know that, don’t you? When you’re by yourself, you can talk yourself into anything. Without the challenge of others around you that helps you have a more balanced reality, you become blind. I become blind to my own faults and my own foolish behaviors. They’re called ‘blind spots,’ and every man has them. And if you go long enough, occasionally somebody will have the courage to tell you about your blind spots. It’ll get so bad that finally somebody will come and confront you and say, “Can’t you see what you’re doing?” And the reality is alone you can’t! That’s the problem.

We have two eyes, and I’m thankful for that, but the fact is to see life well, you’ve got to have more than two eyes. To see life as it really is, it’s going to take more than two eyes. To see life balanced is going to take more than just your 2 eyes, because alone equals warped perspectives on life.
It’s interesting that there are guys walking around. Maybe it’s you. You’ll go to the office today and you’ll be walking around and because of some disconnections, people for maybe months or even years have talked about you but nobody’s ever told it to you. Everybody knows your blind spot except you, because there’s not a channel of healthy connection where that communication can be safely and constructively deposited into your life. That’s what All-Alone brings - warped perspectives.

2. Secondly, it brings loose living. Proverbs 18:1 gives this warning. Proverbs 18:1 says “He who separates himself seeks his own desire.”

When you get out of the herd and, the animal kingdom teaches this – when you’re the stray and you’re out there, you’re in danger aren’t you to all kinds of prey. Every business guy here can feel this. When you’re on a business trip alone; you’re all by yourself and no one knows you, can you not feel the pull of evil within? “I can do this; no one would know.” See, we all feel that.

And that’s just in a moment when we’re separated from the herd. When we’re regularly alone, we lose that asset, that incredible asset, called accountability for our thoughts and actions. And in that environment, anything goes. And oftentimes it does. What happens is that we can be easily doing things – and you hear man after man after man say – “I can’t believe I did that.’ But he did. But behind, back in the past, the trail leading up to that point was loneliness. He was all by himself. He who separates himself seeks his own desire. And the next part of that verse says, “and he quarrels against all sound wisdom.”

3. Thirdly, a loss of motivation for the noble things of life. Every man needs male cheerleaders, particularly in the areas that get little praise. All of us need a guy who’s cheering for us in the noble things of life. And the noble things of life – those are things that nobody cheers for one another in. We cheer for each other in our games, or you know, a promotion in our work, but who cheers for you for loving your wife? Who can you go to and talk to about something special you did with your wife and have a guy give you a high five?

That’s what friendships, real friendships do, they give us motivation for the noble things of life. And every man needs male cheerleaders.

4. Then finally, a loss of opportunity for much-needed transparency. Everybody needs to be known. Every comrade needs to be known and understood, because – when you’re talking to another man, and you feel like he understands and knows you – you know what you’re going to feel? Love. Every man needs to feel loved by other men.

It’s in isolation that we seek to attract friends that we can share our lives with. And you know what? After a while, you know what starts going on in our heads? Little voices begin to speak and these little voices say this, ‘nobody knows me; nobody cares about me; nobody understands me; nobody gives a rip about me; I’m all alone in this world.’ So we throw this Pity Party and after awhile we suffer from the ‘Three D’s: discouragement, depression and then danger. That’s what the loss of transparency brings.

These significant downsides: A warped perspective on life; Loose living- I become a law unto myself; A loss of motivation for the noble things of life- I live for less rather than the best. And then finally, a loss of opportunity for much-needed transparency. If I stay alone long enough, it becomes ‘me against the world,’ and I become angry.

The Scripture speaks of the importance of being connected. 

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

Proverbs 18:24 says, “There is a friend (there’s a friend out there) who sticks closer than a brother.” A friend can do something a brother never could. 

In Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, Solomon says, “Two are better than one; for if either of them fall, the one will lift up his companion, but woe to him if there is not another.” Woe to him if there is not another to lift him up.

Proverbs 17:17 says “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” 

Hebrews 10:24 says, “Let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds.” Because real friends call you up – not down. 

1 Samuel 20:17 introduces us to this wonderful friendship story about Jonathan and David. It says there, “and Jonathan loved David as his own life.” That’s how close they were. In fact, in another verse it says, “the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David.” Now that’s a bond. And happy is the man who has – just has one of those kinds of big connections. Because, life is a team sport! Never forget that. One of the great principles of life – it’s a team sport.

What You Can Do 
So what can you do?
1. First, learn the three keys to friendship. Here they are:
a) Loyalty. One of the things about friendship that makes friends go deep and last is an unwavering loyalty to one another. That means you’re there for the other person. In the good times you; in the tough times you support one another; in the terrible times, you hold one another. But you’re there.

b) Secondly, faithfulness to our values. Every friendship is built on common values. And common values, spoken or unspoken, I don’t know if you’ve ever thought about that, are at the very core of friendships. And if you betray those common values you fracture the friendship.

Real friendships are based on something a lot deeper. It’s when you join together with another Comrade for life, there are some common values there that you hold on to and support and encourage. Whether you fully identify them or not - -if you think of a good friend, start thinking about what are our values that draw us together? That’s what we adhere around.

c) Then finally, encouragement – because that’s what friendship is all about – encouraging one another. 

if you’re going to have any friends, you’ve got to follow these 3 principles of loyalty, faithfulness to some common values and encouragement.

2. Secondly, reach out to other men. Now – This takes courage as an adult. Some of your youthful friendships have faded away or moved away, and you find yourself kind of lonely and say, “I want some friends.” You’re going to have to step up. You’re going to have to reach out to some other guys and that takes courage, because sometime there might be somebody you want to develop a friendship with, but they don’t want to develop a friendship with you, and it feels like you’ve been rejected.

But there are ways to do that; to be proactive in that. If there’s another guy that you say, ‘you know, I think I’d like to be a friend to that guy.’ Invite him out to lunch. Invite him to go to some activity. You be the proactive one, though. Don’t sit back and throw a pity party! Start reaching out to guys. There may be some, you know – like Sports– you just don’t catch them, but maybe there’s a guy that you’ll begin to connect with. And he begins to call you. One day you maybe you need to even be courageous enough to look over across the table and say, ‘You know, Alex. I really enjoy our friendship.’ That’s kind of like ‘wanna sign a contract?’ And he reaches back and says, ‘you know, I really enjoy our friendship, too.’ Now we’re going somewhere. And then that loyalty and that faithfulness and that encouragement kick in. You’ve got a life-long friend. Happy is the man who has even one of them! Reach out to other men.

3. Thirdly, challenge men that you like. Okay? You just have a natural chemistry with a man. Ask him to meet regularly with you to get better, just to get better. Proverbs 13:20 says: “He who walks with the wise grows wise. But the companion of fools suffers harm.”

If I were a young man, I’d look around and start saying, ‘who are the guys who are doing it well?’ I’d want to get with them! how do you get with them? Maybe they’re not going to be your best friend, but there are some ways to get with guys to get better. Let me just give you some ways that you can do that.

First, you can say, ‘hey, let’s get into a Bible study that will stretch, not just your mind, but your spirit. And if that’s a foreign thing for you, let it be an adventure – a field trip. Get some other guys and see what that great Book is all about.
Or maybe form a prayer team together and stretch your connection with God together. It forms and forges friendships. 
Or maybe you get together with the guys in your Men's Group and you say ‘let’s keep meeting.’. Or maybe there’s a mentoring relationship you can enter into. You come along side a young guy and say, ‘let’s start getting together. I’d like to talk to you about life.’ And it doesn’t mean that you’ve done it well. You may have not done it well at all! But that’s what he needs to hear: how you didn’t do it well so he won’t make your mistakes, but be encouraged by it.

But here’s what happens: when men just start getting groups together – just to get better – what happens in the midst of those groups is, in the midst of that kind of – what I call ‘social party’ – they’ll notice certain guys in there and out of that, life-long friendships get formed. So challenge a group of guys to get together. A lot of men are just sitting there in waiting – that’s what I think happens to a lot of men. It’s kind of like – when you used to go to a dance in high School – and the girls would sit on one side and the guys on the other side? They’re just waiting for each other. That’s the way I think male friendships are – there are guys on both sides just waiting for each other. Somebody needs to get up and go to the other side, and tap somebody and say, “Hey, let’s dance.” And, out of that, after a while, a relationship is formed. So, that’s what you need to do.

4. Fourthly, get real with another guy and share your heart, because real friendships go beyond the small talk about sports, and weather and politics. It gives way to ‘soul talk.’ Here’s how you know you’re in soul talk. It’s when you start talking about your needs and your dreams, and your doubts, and your failures; and your struggles and your temptations; and your spiritual insights. When you get down at that level, we’re talking substance there. And every man wants to talk there. One of the things I love about being in certain groups, where you’re just given the permission to doubt, it’s just people walking around with all kinds of questions about life, and just want to talk to somebody, but they’re afraid. It’s a great moment to have a place where you can talk about anything and everything. And feel safe. You can unload your soul with another man, which is the richest kind of relationship.

5. And then finally, enjoy life together – because nothing draws men closer together than activity. That’s how guys bond a lot of times. They forge together in the midst of shared experiences. 


👍🏽 Robert Lewis

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