Reforming FamilyLife & Public Culture: The Quest #24: A Man and His Life Journey

A map is something that gives us a good sense of direction. We men are notorious for not stopping to ask for directions – right? Well, today, we're going to get a sense of direction. In order to get a sense of direction, we need some maps.

So what I want to do is unfold 3 manhood maps for you that will be very helpful in giving each of us a perspective of where we are in our life journey. This will finish up the quest we have been experiencing together called The Quest for Authentic Manhood.

I. The Life Cycle Map

This map actually came about in 1978 when a research team of Yale social scientists spent some 10 years, observing 40 men, in 4 different stages of life, to watch how their lives progressed over that 10-year period of time. Their conclusion became a bestseller book, The Seasons of a Man’s Life by Daniel Levenson. The summary of the book according to Levenson is this: “Men follow a common life-cycle with the same basic seasonal characteristics.”

The first stage was between zero and 22, the “Childhood and Adolescent Stage.” That was followed by “Early Adulthood” between the years 17 and 45. Then from 40 to 65 was “Middle Adulthood” and then from 60 till the time life wraps up was called “Late Adulthood.”

These four stages showed men’s lives go through specific characteristics that they could describe. Regardless of the man’s background or socio-economic status, or the cultural region in the country where he was raised – each man’s life fell into one these 4 cycles.

In between those cycles were ‘transitions’, where men would feel unsure of themselves. According to Levenson these are very predictable transitions. While in these transitions, men would feel restless, unsettled, and insecure. They would need to re-evaluate themselves, or reinvent themselves, if they were going to feel a sense of worth in the next season of life.

The Four Seasons and Transitions

Right after childhood and adolescence, there is a transition period between the ages of 17 and 22. There is a tremendous change at that point in a man’s life.

Then comes the transition between 40 and 45, the one most of us know as the infamous ‘mid-life crisis.’

The third and final transition occurs when a man is moving off the center of the stage of life, some time between 60 and 65.

These ages can vary, depending on how a man’s life progresses, but these are a man’s life stages and the transitions every man goes through to some degree or another according to Levenson and his Yale team.

We could compare it to the 4 seasons of a year. There’s spring where a man is growing. There’s summer where a man is hot. There’s fall where a man’s life is full of color; and then there’s winter where a man’s life is beginning to decline and finish. Those are the 4 seasons.

1. Spring – between 0 and 22 – the childhood and adolescence stage. It’s in this season that a boy grows into a man. This is when he grows up. Whether he thinks or acts manly will depend on a number of factors. One will be what kind of vision for manhood he has. If he has no vision, then he’ll tend to squander a lot of those growing up experiences, that will take place in his life. Whether he has a code of conduct that will actually breathe life into him – or take life away from him. Whether he has a cause bigger than himself – a transcendent cause. A young man growing up with a bigger perspective for the cause of life is a much healthier young man than the one whose only cause is himself. Both grow up physically, but whether he grows emotionally and spiritually is another question altogether. Nevertheless, this is the first season of life.

There comes a major transition between the age of 17 and 22. This happens because, this is when a man begins to make a break with the home he grew up in. Hopefully, he makes a break with his mom and his dad. He takes a job in the work-world, or he goes to college/university, or he joins the military or he assumes some new responsibility but, during this time of transition in his life, all of this calls a young man to grow up – or else. This is a season when life finally stares a man in the face and he can no longer just live under the wing of his mom and dad. He has to grow up, or else. Hopefully this need is to do something with his life and he begins to explore different venues of where he can make his mark in the world. That’s Spring in a man’s life.

2. Summer – between 17 and 45. Usually what a young man does – he settles into some vocation that is suitable for his life calling. In fact, a lot of young men, when they first get into the summer season, think they’re going to choose a job that’s going to last them for a lifetime. They feel a lot of pressure because they think they’ve got to make the exact right choice, because whatever vocational choice they make, this is what’s going to carry them through the rest of their life. They feel a lot of intense pressure making that decision. During this season, they usually attach themselves to a life mate.

For some of the lucky ones, they will also attach themselves to a life mentor. It might be the boss that they work for; it might be some older man that just takes an interest in them. If that happens, it will enrich their life in this opening season.

Levenson also found that for almost every young man around 30 years old, a crisis occurs. One of his first life crises.

Because at around the age of 30, after he’s been working hard during the opening season of his life, he begins to see the flaws and limitations of his initial vocational choices. Then he begins to think, ‘I don’t want to keep working for ...’ Or he begins to say, ‘this is a dead-end job.’ Or he looks at the skill he’s been crafting for those opening years, and he thinks, ‘why should I work here? I can take this and go elsewhere and do 10 times better!’ So he’s beginning to feel the need to break out on his own and get his wings up and fly for himself, but he’s afraid. To do that is oftentimes a big risk. He’s been working hard in that opening season to establish himself, so at that point he’s got to make a choice.

It was one of those giant forks in the road, where you’ve got to choose? If a man, at that point in his life, chooses successfully, then the rest of his 30’s are usually very stable and productive. In fact, he discovers things about himself that actually amaze him. He begins to see his capacities, and he begins to see that life really is an adventure and it’s worth taking risks.

On the other hand, the guy who plays it close to the vest and safe, oftentimes he’ll stay in that situation and, though it’s secure, it becomes dissatisfying. He begins to feel like he’s stagnating there. If that goes on long enough, without the proper changes, then during those 30’s he’s setting himself up for that infamous ‘mid-life crisis,’ Because there are just these resonating claps of thunder within his heart and soul, saying ‘I don’t want to be here! I don’t want to do to this!’ But he doesn’t have the courage to leave when the opportunity called upon him to make that move.

3. Fall, between 40 and 65. The Fall Season can really be the most powerful and productive in a man’s life. It’s when he’s on center stage; it’s when he’s got a certain level of accomplishments. His resume is full; he has a lot of connections and he can do a lot of good with his life.

In Patrick Morley’s book, The Seven Seasons of a Man’s Life, he mentions that a man, during these years, needs to be able to answer 10 questions, and if he can answer these 10 questions, he’s probably on the path to a highly successful life. The 10 questions are these:

a. Am I performing fulfilling work?

b. Am I a good provider?

c. Am I doing everything possible to help my children become responsible adults?d. Am I building a strong, loving marriage?

e. Am I doing everything possible to introduce my family to faith in Christ?

f. Am I investing in other people’s lives as a friend, counselor, accountability partner and mentor?

g. Am I living a life of good deeds and making a contribution to my community?

h. Am I living a life of integrity?

i. Am I walking close to my Lord, Jesus Christ?

j. Will I go to heaven when I die?

Morley says that the man in this season of life who can answer ‘yes’ to all those 10 questions has laid a rich foundation and will even have a more powerful next season because of it.

But there are a lot of men in this season – between 40 and 60 who, for one reason or another, unfinished business in the past; the Baggage that finally burst open; a troubled marriage that wasn’t corrected when it needed to be in those early years – and didn’t get the attention that it needed, or a son or daughter that you have wounded because you didn’t invest properly in their life – you know, the wheels can come off during this season and haunting questions can begin to stalk a man through his days. In fact, Bob Beale in his book, Weathering the Mid-Life Storm, pictures some of the questions that men start asking in this season of life if they hit the wall. Here are some of them:

a. Am I stuck here for the rest of my life?

b. Is this it how it feels to get old?

c. Is anything worth it?

d. Why can’t I understand myself?

e. Will I ever get the promotion?

f. Do I really even want it?

g. Where’s all of my former confidence gone?

h. When I’m old, will I become like my father?

i. Why do I feel so very, very lonely – even when I have lots of friends?

j. Why does God feel so distant, so uncaring, so silent?

k. Are my kids ever going to get out of their troubles?

l. Did I really marry the right person in the first place?

That’s what happens in this season. It can be a season of tremendous success and confidence that is unleashing tremendous good for a man, or it can be another season of redress – where a guy enters whitewater and he knows time is running out. He has to address those kinds of questions that stalk him, or else he’ll brood his life away. The Fall of life is full of those flaming colors.

4. Winter is 60+ When a man finds he must come to a place where he admits his energies are declining and he needs to start wrapping up his vocational intensities. It’s not that he can’t still work and those kinds of things -- but life begins to narrow and he has to focus on the most strategic points of his life.

He’s got to step off center stage and eventually he knows he’s going to be replaced. Now he’s got some major questions he has to answer, and those questions are: What now? What’s left? Where’s my place? What contributions can I still make? And answering these questions successful becomes the key to a satisfactory last season of life.

Every man follows that cycle. Are there variations in that cycle for every man? Sure there are. There are minor variations everywhere. But I bet as I described that – especially for some of you older guys, you felt those cycles.

II. The Life Stages Map

The second map came from a book by Robert Hicks, The Masculine Journey back in 1993. What Hicks found, as he studied more from a theological perspective than from a social perspective like Levenson did -- Hicks found, as he looked into the Old Testament, six Hebrew words for ‘man.’ As he studied these six Hebrew words for man, he found that they reflected six very special, specific stages of a man’s life that were very helpful to him. Hicks says this: “In this sense, these words provide a way of outlining, detailing and defining the masculine experience.”

1. Adam –– in the middle. It reflects the creational stage of masculinity.

2. Zacar which speaks to the phallic stage of masculinity.

3. Geboer – the warrior stage.

4. Enosh – which speaks to the wounded stage.

5. Ish which is a common word for man, speaks to the mature stage.

6. Zachin that speaks to what Hicks calls the sage stage.”

What Hicks did not do in his book, He didn’t put ages on them, Let's putt ages with each of these stages.

1. The Creational Stage – perhaps between 0 and 20.

2. The Phallic Stage: 13 to 25

3. The Warrior Stage: 20 to 40

4. The Wounded Stage: 40 to 50

5. The Mature Stage: 50 to 60

6. The Sage Stage: 60 +

According to Hicks, in each of these six stages, something new for a man will be encountered. As you move through each of those stages, you as a man are going to face a new sense of masculinity. There will be new challenges that will be encountered. Something dynamic will take place, which will require you to make important adjustments and come to a new self-understanding, if you’re going to navigate a particular stage of your masculinity.

Hicks says without these adjustments, a man will not adequately transition to the next stage. What he’ll do is he’ll accumulate baggage from a former stage as he moves into a new stage, and he’ll carry that baggage forward. If he carries enough of it from stage to stage, his baggage – will get heavier and heavier and heavier, and it will rob him of the dynamic and success of the next stage, because he didn’t make the proper adjustments within a certain stage when he was in it. Life will become more dissatisfying or more incomplete for that man.

On the other hand, with the right adjustments at each stage, you enjoy that stage; but not only do you enjoy the stage, you move into the next stage with more power! As you do so, life becomes more productive, more successful, more satisfying.

The Six Life Stages

1. The Creational Stage from the word “Adam” between the ages of 0 and 20.

a. Gifts and talents Each of us has been endowed by God with certain particular gifts, capacities and talents. You didn’t choose those, When you were born, there were certain capacities that either were accidental or creational. Those, in a sense, are entrustments to you to develop over your lifetime.

b. Acceptance and development, or confusion and missed opportunity. For some of you, you have looked at yourself, and part of this early stage – between 0 and 20 – is coming to terms. One of the big issues of a young man growing up is coming to terms with his createdness. That’s true for all of us in different ways, whether we’re going to be satisfied with being big or little – musical or mechanical – athletic or academic – introverted or extroverted – handsome or plain. All of us have to deal with what that means for us.

We have to understand what that means for us in both the limitations those gifts bring, as well as the opportunities those things bring. In fact, for a young man between 0 and 20, the 2 things he has to answer most about himself in order to move successfully to the next stage is these two questions: What am I? And then even a bigger question: What am I not? In order to begin to craft himself into the next season of life. So accepting and developing our manhood along these lines of our createdness is the key start between 0 and 20. Parents are really important during this stage, because they can help affirm a young man around the way he was created.

Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child (we’ll put the word son in for child) in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

The phrase in Hebrew “in the way he should go” literally could be translated “train up a son according to his bent.” In other words, you don’t train up a son and try to bend him the opposite way that God’s bent him. You train him up according to his particular gifts and capacities. You don’t try to make an athlete out of a musician, or an academic out of a guy who is more of a wilderness kind of guy. He just wants to go out and experience the world, but instead you’re trying to make him into a classroom professor. You train him up according to his bent. You help him develop his createdness further – polish it. Make the most of it. That’s part of the role of parents. Affirm his talents rather than deny them or even criticize them.

Those of us who grew up in homes where parents did not understand our createdness but tried to bend us a different way – or even laughed at our certain kind of bent – do a tremendous damage to our lives. Train up a child according to his bent. So as a young man, it’s very important to understand who I am, and who I’m not during this creational stage.

2. The Phallic Stage; this zacar stage, where a man’s life – between 13 and 25

a. Sexual energy – It’s a time of intense sexual energy. In fact, the root idea of the word zacar in Hebrew – is the word “male protrusion” or penis. That’s where the word comes from.

Between 13 and 25, male sexual energy, is at its highest point. And because of that, it creates some significant challenges and adjustments for a young man advancing through this stage. Here’s the issue: Is this sexual energy going to dominate me, or am I going to use it in a principled manner – the way it was given to me? That is the key question during this particular period of a man’s life. Is passion going to be something I use, or does it use me?

Robert Hicks makes this comment: I’ve met men in their 50s and 60s who still think of life – during their 50s and 60s – and they still think of life as below their belt most of the time. They have never moved on in their maleness. They have never learned that sexual energy must be channeled constructively.

b. Mastery or enslavement. Sexual intensity is always part of a man’s life. A young man once asked an 80-year old guy and saying, ‘When do you stop lusting?’ And the 80-year old guy said, ‘Well, here’s one thing I know for sure. It’s not at 80.’ So the question is: Is sexual energy going to be our friend or our master?

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 For this is the will of God: your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality, that each of you know how to possess his own body in sanctification and in honor, not in lustful passion like unbelievers who do not know God.

Does that mean that you can’t be sexual? No! That is not a disclaimer on sexual energy. It is a disclaimer on sexual immorality and there’s a difference. God is the Author of sex, and it should be enjoyed and it should be one of the great rewards of life. But it has to be handled in a principled manner, otherwise it becomes your master and you become its slave. It will do great harm to a man and he’ll find himself cleaning up the problems from that in the next season of life.

3. The Warrior Stage between 20 and 40. It comes from the Hebrew word ‘gabor’. Proverbs 20:29 makes this statement: “The glory of young men is their strength.” And, man, is it! I wish I still had it.

a. The drive to establish oneself. It’s such a good time, because there’s power and strength and energy that’s naturally resident in a young man’s life. This is a time of drive and competitiveness; of push – to be the best, the biggest, the brightest, the smartest, the most powerful, the most well-known. The goal in the Warrior Stage is to establish yourself as a man in the world and to fight for it. And you’re ready to fight. Everything in you says to fight. It’s the Warrior Stage. It’s a time of courage and strength and will power – not necessarily wisdom. You can get it done, just by working harder. During that time, done well, all that energy can do a lot of good. It can also do a lot of evil, because it has so much energy.

b. Life in the fight. The goal at this stage of life is to WIN! And to lay the platform for the future life that’s highly successful and motivating. But here’s what a young man experiences as he moves to the latter half of the Warrior Stage – as he moves into the end of his 30s, because he doesn’t have the energy he once had. He just begins to taste it for the first time. He doesn’t have the strength to do another all-nighter. He can’t go into the office -- he doesn’t want to go into the office on Saturday and work long hours. He wants to take a vacation finally. He also begins to learn that in this fight, oftentimes without wisdom, he’s taken a few hits that he wasn’t even aware of.

For a lot of young men – during the Warrior Stage – they have gashes they don’t even know they have. They don’t even know they took the hits, because they’re so intense during that time. But you know, that stage comes to an end. And you move into this next stage…

4. The Enosh Stage --- the Wounded Stage between 40 and 50.

a. Powerful re-evaluations. because somewhere in your 40s, most men begin to realize how many of these hits they’ve taken. In some areas of their life, one day it just kind of dawns on them – they didn’t know what they were doing!

For some men in their 40s, they fulfilled a lot of their life quests early and now, having fulfilled them, they’re just left there on the battlefield with the sword down, going, ‘now what?’ And they’re not sure. For others, they have lost their marriage, or they’ve lost their family, somewhere along the way. ‘And now, what do I do?’

b. Renewal or rut. For some, they’ve soothed the pain through drugs and alcohol. And now, it’s mastering them. And others are trying to get their attention around it. For some, they’ve realized that a lot of what they were doing was done for less than honorable reasons. It’s the guy who wakes up, who is president of the company, in a job he doesn’t even really want and realized he’s been doing this for the last 25 years just to get his dad’s approval, and he’s never going to get it. And now he’s 48 year old – now what?

All kinds of questions come in because he’s hurt people; he’s been hurt. During this particular season oftentimes, he’s got to re-shuffle and play the hand differently this time and think about his life in a totally different way and it’s a little bit disorienting because he can’t keep doing it the way he’s been doing it because he just doesn’t have the strength! It’s a season of wisdom. This season is called The Wounded Stage.

Dealing with a certain level of woundedness is not a unique experience. Every man has some kind of wound. It’s common to all men – whether it’s a wound of the past, a wound of my own foolishness during that Warrior Stage; how I’ve hurt other people around me, and I didn’t even know it – that I’ve got to clean up now. Every man has some wounds. The question is are you going to live in those wounds in the next season of life, or are you going to empty out your baggage?

We had a tragic illustration of that after the Vietnam War when those soldiers came back and were not honored but shunned. A lot of those guys, even right now, are still dealing with that – they’re still back in Vietnam, trying to make sense of that. But theirs is not the only experience like that. There are men who are in their 50s and 60s, who are still trying to figure out their life from the 20s and 30s and 40s. This Wounded Stage is a time of re-evaluation. It’s coming to terms with what life really is. It’s not the Warrior Stage with the visor down thinking you can make everything happen, because you can’t now and you know it. But how are you going to see life?

Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4). There’s a place to mourn; there’s a place to finally stop and go, ‘you know, I hurt my family, and I’m going to deal with that.’ As I work through that grief, I get comforted. ‘I was living my life for the wrong reasons’ and you readjust. These readjustments have a tremendous impact on the success of the next season.

5. The Mature Stage or ish – 50 to 60. This stage reflects a man who, because he has made the right adjustments, is now the ruler of his life.

a. Deeper meaning. He’s the ruler of his own soul. He really is mature. He’s no longer driven by wounds. He’s no longer driven by external expectations, or the thoughtlessness of youth. It’s a spiritual time, and he has a spiritual vision of life. Ish is a spiritual place. He’s found peace with himself. He’s comfortable with his own skin: both what he did wrong as well as we what he did right, and he’s come to terms with both.

He’s like David in Psalm 23:1. He says these words, “The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.” He doesn’t need another toy to feel good about himself. He doesn’t need another car to feel like a man. He doesn’t need to build something bigger as a monument to himself. He’s comfortable within himself.

b. Strategic moves and mentoring. In fact, in this mature stage, he’s thinking now of what power he can unleash for good on others because that’s the ultimate in manhood. Remember what we learned about the second Adam? A life-giving spirit?

There’s probably no time that a man has a better opportunity of expressing that than in this ish stage. He can do great things for the kingdom with money, power, connections and all the standards that he’s now set that other men look at and admire. Especially younger men, because he’s at a place where he can gain great respect from younger men. Regardless of what his past has been, it’s what he did in that Wounded Stage – if he’s made the best of it – he’s even respected for the wrongs he did that he then made right. And men are attracted to a mature man. They carry an aura – a power within themselves that is a natural magnet, because of their maturity.

6. The Sage Stage, 60+

a. Standard bearers. A man, moves off center stage to a certain degree, but not out of life. He’s not retiring; he’s not quitting – but now he becomes a standard bearer, so to speak. That’s why the Scripture says this, in Proverbs 20:29b. It says, ‘The glory of a young man is his strength, (but listen) the glory of an old man is his gray hair.” It’s his experience.

b. Special contributions. He “carries” for all the young men behind him how to finish well. He’s the standard bearer of the ultimate, noble masculinity – even as he grows weaker and his life grows a little narrower. He carries something significant and strategic by the quality of his life. He can also make a lot of special contributions at this stage in his life.

c. Leaving a legacy. In fact, some of the great works of art that we celebrate around the world were done by artists after they were 65. Some of the great accomplishments in our world were done by men in this last season of winter, and by doing so he leaves a legacy of how to finish well.

III. Your Manhood Plan Map

This' the one you’ve been working on and crafting for yourself, and this, I believe, can be – might be – should be – the most important map of all. In the end, life is not just what happens to you. Life is what you made happen. A man who doesn’t understand that will never be a man.

What you’ve planned to happen – what you’ve envisioned to happen – what you’ve worked at making happen is manhood at its best. Real men plan their manhood and then they work their plan. Real manhood is not a story about victims, giving in, surrender, passivity and telling the other guy across the table how hard it is! We all know it’s hard! Don’t we?

That’s why we pick up the sword and ask God with all our hearts, “Help me to be the man You created me to be.” And heaven will shout back, ‘Let’s do it!’ This is manhood. It’s not just what happens to you by events and circumstances outside your control. Real manhood is what you make happen! With a plan! Crafted by you to finish well and then asking God’s grace and help and mercy to get you there. That’s manhood. That’s the ultimate map.

I tell you that because that’s how I bring this to an end. With you having your own manhood map. We’ve had a incredible journey together. But today, we’re at the end of that journey. This is where I leave you on the trail to Authentic Manhood. I’ve given you about everything, guys. I’ve taught you about everything that I’ve ever come to understand as a man. I’ve laid it at your feet, and it’s been a delight and an honor to have served you.

But as your trail guide, it’s time to say, ‘I’m finished’.

I’m going to step aside and there before you is this trail of Authentic Manhood into eternity. You’ve got your marching orders, and you’ve got your map, and I believe you can do it.

Let me leave you with one last charge. It’s the charge that King David gave to his son Solomon as he was about to turn over the kingdom. He was at the point of death; he brought his son into the king’s chamber and he looked at his son and he said, “Go, and show yourself a man.” That’s my charge to you as your trail guide. I say, “Go, and show yourself a man.” 1 Kings 2:2