Reforming FamilyLife & Public Culture: The Quest #19: A Man and His Wife Pt1

Today we are leaving behind our journey through Genesis with Adam and the second Adam, Christ. We’ve established the definition of manhood:

· First, we said a real man is one who rejects passivity.

· Then he is a man who accepts responsibility. A man has a work to do, he has a will to obey and he has a woman to love and care for.

· Thirdly we said a man is one who leads courageously. To lead courageously means a man must master one of his greatest opponents and that is his feelings. It’s not that feelings aren’t important – and it’s not that a man should not feel, but a man should not be mastered by his feelings. He should be mastered by principle – the principles of the Word of God.

· While he’s rejecting passivity and accepting responsibility, and leading courageously – in all of that a real man is expecting God’s greater reward. He believes that in this faith process by following through with these directives in his life, the best of life is going to come to him, because he believes God has in mind for him the best of life.

We’re going to be starting the third part of The Quest For Authentic Manhood. The first part was “Looking Back”. Remember we looked into how we became the kind of person we became. We tried to unravel some of the knots of our past and some of the wounds that were inflicted on us. The last few sessions, we’ve been establishing the definition of manhood.

We’re going to process that manhood into our current life, principally as it relates to the woman in our life and to our sons and our daughters. Then we’ll be talking about the life stages of a man. That’s a summary of how we’ll be finishing up in the Sessions that are still before us.

What I’d like to do is begin sessions on a man and a woman, specifically, a man and a wife. For you guys who are not married this will be to help you get a perspective on marriage – especially you younger guys. Many times, there’s really never been a moment where someone sat down with you and said, “Let’s just talk about women.” Let’s get a sense of perspective on how women think, how they speak and where we’re going with them, so we can live a lifetime successfully with women. One of the things is – and the married guys know this – you’ll invest tons of energy and effort and it will be the difference between a sense of success and failure in your life, satisfaction or dissatisfaction in your life depends on how well you can live with a woman. Is that not true, married guys? There are so many differences. In fact, sometimes it’s helpful just to laugh at some of the differences.

These are incredible differences, The fact that that person who looks different from you, has the longer hair; has the more fragile frame – it will be one of the greatest challenges of your life. And how well you master that challenge will determine to a large extent – not only the way you feel about yourself as a man – but your sense of satisfaction or dissatisfaction, happiness or sadness – every day. It’s that critical.

A Key Verse for Husbands or Future Husbands: 1 Peter 3:7

2000 years ago, a simple fisherman who had spent 3 years with Jesus Christ, made a profound statement to men. It’s a very simple statement. He was kind of the First Century John Gray – Men are From Mars; Women are From Venus. His name was the Apostle Peter and he made this statement. It’s a key verse in Scripture. 1 Peter 3:7. I it’s profound in its implications. He says, “You husbands, likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel (that is, she’s not physically as strong as you are), since she is a woman.”

“You husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.” The Greek word there is literally ‘according to knowledge.’ You need information. Don’t guess at it! Load up with skill and info because she’s a woman!

Do you get it? She’s not a man! And you need to live with her in that understanding way and you need to grant her honor as a fellow heir in the grace of life. And if you don’t, it not only inhibits your relationship with her, it will inhibit your relationship with God. Your prayers will be hindered.

Let me draw 3 phrases out of that verse and make a few observations at the beginning, because I believe it’s so important.

1. “in an understanding way” speaks to insight and skill. If you’ve ever been to a foreign country, one of the most unnerving things about being in a foreign country is you don’t speak the language. So it creates all kinds of complications and it requires for you to master certain amounts of basic language skills –or at least some working knowledge of the language to work your way around, so you can interface with somebody from a foreign country. Did you know – for some of you guys today – you’re going to go home and walk in to a house with a foreigner? And for some of you young guys, you’re going to call up a foreigner and invite her out?

You’re going to think that you speak the language and it will be the greatest mistake of your life. You don’t speak the language. To do that – to approach somebody of the opposite sex and try to engage them, thinking you know what you’re doing – is the greatest mistake a man can make. Peter told us; “live with your wives in an understanding way’ i. e., according to knowledge. That means you’ve got to learn “woman-speak”, you’ve got to learn what women feel, you’ve got to learn what women need and it’s all different than you – so it’s totally disorienting. Then you’ve got to address them outside what you’re thinking into what they’re thinking, and you have to interpret as you go. That’s why it’s a skill to live with a woman in an understanding way. That’s why it requires that you have insight and the skill – not guesswork.

You can’t do it by accident. You can’t do it by instinct, because your instinct will be wrong.

On the other hand, with skill and knowledge you understand that she’s an equal; she’s a soul mate, so you walk in and say ‘how can I help you?’ or ‘let me clean up after dinner’ or whatever. Do you see? That’s engaging a woman with skill and knowledge! That’s what the Apostle Peter is telling us right here from the beginning. “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.” That speaks to insight and skill.

2. ‘grant her honor’ speaks to appreciation and value. The whole woman’s movement is based on one giant cry ‘do you value us?’ It’s the wise man who will speak into that every day with things that women value. They want to know that they’re valued; that they’re significant. The number one need of a woman is to know that she’s significant. If you’ll remember that, then that will lead you to walk up to her everyday, put your arm around her and look into her eyes and say, ‘Baby, I love you.’ Because when you say “I love you” she knows that’s not easy for you. The fact that you would take the time to do that says, ‘that means I’m valued.’ For you to do the little extras, like doing something extravagant from time to time that just totally surprises her. All those things speak into what a woman is desperately wanting to know, and that is ‘I’m valued’.

For you young guys to call a woman up for date, rather than have her call you – says that you value her. For you to open the door for her says that you value her. For you to say “I want to take care of you” says that you value her. Those are the things that have to be repeated over and over again because she can never get enough of it. Just like you can never get enough admiration for your accomplishments – a woman can never get enough appreciation for her value.

3. ‘fellow heir’ speaks to equality and worth. It says that she’s a co-heir in the grace of life. That means she’s equal. She may be different, but in God’s eyes, she’s equal. When women don’t feel equal, then they feel like that they have to be the same as men. And that’s a tragedy because then they lose their greatest createdness and that is that they are female, and we don’t want them to look like men and act like men. We want them to be the woman.

We want the counterpart, and we want to do the kinds of things that encourage that femininity while at the same time allowing that femininity to be fully free and equal in our eyes. When they see that equality and the way we handle money with them, or the way we care for them; the way we share things with them on an equal basis, it tells them that they are equal in very practical terms. She may be different, but it’s our role to make her feel of equal worth in a relationship.

She’s a woman; she’s not like you. She’s not a man. You’re going to have to learn “woman-speak”. You’re going to have to learn that skill. Live with your wives in an understanding way . You can’t get enough information about women. You younger guys – the more you know about women, the more you can speak when you are in that foreign land, and win.

For the next Sessions, that’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to give you a simple overview of the husband – wife relationship and of marriage which I believe you can take with you and refer back to the rest of your life. If you stay within this pattern, you’ll be successful in your relationship with a woman.

Three Models of Marriage

To start we are going to look at marriage as an organization. I want to give you 3 models of marriage today, because every marriage is a business. It’s a company; it’s an organization and it operates that way. I want you to get a feel for how it operates, and see that pretty much every marriage fits into one of these 3 models.

1. The Top-Down Traditional Marriage.

In Luke 22 – a statement that Jesus made to His disciples. He said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles lord it over those under them, and those who have authority over these people are called ‘benefactors.’ But not so with you.” The word ‘benefactor’ doesn’t mean somebody who gives out benefits. In the First Century, ‘benefactor’ was a title for a boss, and if I could paraphrase this verse – ‘those who lord it over you are called the Big Dog; the Boss Man; the Head Guy’ and he uses that position of authority to lord it over you. Now this kind of model is a lot like what a number of marriages look like today.

If a guy thinks he’s underneath God, it would be Good, and then he’s the husband and he’s positioned strategically on top of his wife. That’s the way we would draw it out in the Scripture.

In this kind of arrangement,

The husband’s position is to be king. He’s the king of the Gentile. He’s the king of his home.
His leadership style is that of being a lord.
The goal in his mind is personal benefits, and those benefits are primarily for himself. Everything in the home is there for him, and that’s the way things are arranged and the way things are organized.
The effect in the marriage is there is usually a winner and a loser. Unfortunately, many times it’s the woman who loses. She loses her identify in that kind of relationship, she loses her sense of significance, she loses out on having a real voice because she gets intimidated by that bigger, hairier, meaner, opposite sex that sometimes makes her feel like she needs to cower in the corner. She loses out on self-respect.

It’s unfortunate that, years ago, this model of marriage became so prevalent as it was portrayed in society as being a happy home. As women looked at their own lives, they felt like they weren’t measuring up to these, They felt less. They didn’t feel like they were going anywhere.

2. The 50-50 Identical Marriage.

Galatians 3:28. “There is neither Jew nor Greek; there is neither slave nor freeman; there is neither male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”

We’re all the same. There is no leadership in a marriage; there shouldn’t be anything but just equality or really sameness. That’s where it starts moving.

You have God and you have the man and the woman – the husband and wife – right there on the same place, equal with one another – just reporting to God; not interfacing with one another. In this particular situation or model,

The husband’s position is to be a partner with his wife.
The leadership style – it’s leaderless. There is no leader.
The goal in mind is a very admirable goal: it’s equality. Of course, we just heard Peter say we’re to treat our wives as co-equals; co-heirs.
But in this organizational arrangement, the effects on the marriage are these: It’s a difficult balance and oftentimes it has hard falls attached to it. Why do I say that? Of all the business models you know, what business model fails more than any other – fails at least 90% of the time in the community? What it is it? It’s partnerships. Partnerships fail. And why do they fail? Can I borrow a phrase from the book Animal Farm? Where all the animals were gathered and the pig said, ‘we’re all equal here. It’s just that some are more equal than others.’ In a partnership, that’s exactly what happens. There’s this idyllic ‘we’re going to get together, and we’re going to be the same.’ But we know the hard reality that over time, it is a very difficult balance to keep. We’re all doing everything the same; everything’s got to be exactly the same. We’re going to work exactly the same. That begins to break down and friction beings to occur, and either it fails or one has to kind of take over the other. That’s exactly what happens in a marriage. Trying to balance equality in a marriage with kids and jobs is an impossible task. But there are those who claim that they’re doing it. Those who claim to have the equal marriage in the book Second Shift, they actually looked at those marriages and compared those who had the ‘equal marriage’ vs. the ‘traditional marriage’. You know what was the “Aha!” in that? They found that guys in the traditional marriage were actually more involved in the home and sharing of the things than those men who claimed to be in the equal marriage. It doesn’t work that way.

3. Side-by-Side Biblical Marriage.

Ephesians 5:23,25,31 says about this one; “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church.” “He Himself being the Savior of the body. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ also loved the church.” “For this cause…(for this cause)…being the savior of your wife.”

It’s for that reason that a man leaves is father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and the two have this side-by-side relationship that feels free and equal, and mutually encouraging to one another.

I see the man and woman side by side, but you see the little arrow pointing? That arrow is the arrow of initiation. It’s the arrow of responsibility. It’s the arrow of leading courageously. It’s the arrow that expects the greater reward if I do all that.

The husband’s position clearly in this relationship, is that he’s to be the head.
The leadership style, though, is a leadership style that speaks to responsibility and sacrifice, because that’s what it means. (Star it.)
The goal in mind is oneness. That is, that we might find a mutual equality and intimacy as I initiate this kind of leadership in our home. As I live for my wife, as I provide for her, as I take it onto myself to protect her in such a way that, not only can she work, if she wants to work, but she will have the freedom not to work, because of me. She can invest in our kids, and explore new worlds. As her “head”, I want to make that environment hers, as the responsible head who’s laying down his life for his wife. That’s my role.
The effects on the marriage should be that it’s healthy; that it’s happy and that there’s harmony. No woman in this marriage should say, ‘I feel oppressed.’ No woman in this marriage should say, ‘I don’t feel valued.’ No woman in this marriage should say, ‘I don’t feel like an equal.’ In fact, every woman in this kind of marriage should say, ‘I’m free to be me. And it’s because my husband works so hard to make that true.’

A Closer Look at Biblical Marriage

A. The Bible speaks to core issues in marriage.

The word Core Is a small but essential ingredient of every marriage that must not be compromised, neglected or ignored if a marriage is to succeed overall.

Everything I’m going to tell you starting right now and for the next couple of sessions is going to be a small thing but it’s at the core of every relationship.

Every guy will do all kinds of different things around this core. He’ll have different interests; different time schedules; different economic backdrops; different things that you value, but at the core, every marriage ought to have the elements I’m going to tell you. It’s a small thing, but it’s essential to the success of every marriage.

B. Three cores in every marriage.

The Bible speaks to these very clearly, but it’s not telling you they are everything. There’s a world of creativity around these roles, but at the core, there’s some essential things that must not be neglected or ignored. Here’s what they are, they are core roles that balance and support the marriage.

1. Core Roles. Some of you guys who have biology in your background remember the word ‘symbiosis’. Symbiosis is talking about two different organisms that live together for the mutual benefit of both. A marriage is a symbiotic relationship. It’s two people who are different, living in such a way as to mutually benefit both people. In order to do that they have to play two different roles. If they try to step outside these roles, according the Scripture, I believe trouble awaits them. So they are essential core roles.

2. Core responses. There’s one thing that we’ll talk about next week that you must do for your wife all through her life, and there’s one thing she must do to you, all through your life if you’re to fulfill these roles that we’ll talk about.

3. Core concerns. There are a number of things – needs that your wife has – that will never change. You need to know what those needs are. There are a number of things that you have in your life that are never going to change, that your wife must meet in you. If she doesn’t meet those needs in you – even if she can does everything else – you’re going to be an unhappy man. If you don’t meet those things in her, you can give her all kinds of things – lavish all kinds of material things on her; give her all kinds of experiences –but if you don’t meet those core concerns, she’s going to be an unhappy woman. We’ll talk about those in the next session.

C. A Brief Look at Core Roles

I’ll just introduce them to you now and then we’ll pick it up from here next time.

1. For the husband – his core role is as head. Luke 22:25-27 “He said to them, ‘the kings of the Gentiles lord it over them and those who have authority over them are called benefactors (or boss. Now Jesus turns the table). But not so with you. But let him who is the greatest among you become as the youngest; and the leader as the servant. For who is the greater – the one who reclines at table, or the one who serves? (And we’d say, ‘why the one who reclines at table. That’s the greatest. He’s got the position!’) ‘But I am among you as one who serves.’ (and all of a sudden, they’re totally thrown off balance).

Jesus is saying in a marriage, leadership is defined as blended opposites. JESUS said, “you want to know what the best leadership style is? It’s what I give to men in a marriage. They’re not to be boss, and they’re not to be a wimp. They’re to be a blend called ‘servant-leader.’” That’s what head means: servant-leader. And in a marriage, if you become too much leader, your wife’s going to feel oppressed. If you become too much servant, then you’re going to be standing around, waiting for her to tell you what to do and you’ll frustrate the heck out of her.

But if you’re a blend of servant and leader, she will admire you, praise you, hold you and tell you how proud she is of you. And Jesus knew that from the beginning because it’s the proper role for a man in a marriage to be a servant-leader.

2. The wife as Helper. Paul in this particular passage is telling the older women to teach, to instruct the younger women as they grow up to do these things. Remember we said, ‘how does a man assume responsibility?’ He is taught from a young age to assume those responsibilities. It’s the same way with a young woman. So he’s telling the older women to encourage the younger women (and notice the love words) – “to love their husbands; to love their children.”

Women are to be sensible and pure and workers at home. They are to be kind and subject to their own husbands who are the heads, so that the word of God might not be dishonored.

Now how do we put that in a phrase? I believe what ‘helper’ means here is ‘servant-lover’ because what’s so unique about the role that the woman plays within a relationship is that of nurturing and support. No one does it better than a woman. She’s crafted that way. That’s the enormous, invaluable help that she brings to the relationship. That’s why she’s called a helper. The word ‘helper’ is used with only 4 people in the Scriptures; God the Father is called the Helper, God the Son is called a Helper, God the Holy Spirit is called the Helper of man – and a woman is called a helper.