Reforming FamilyLife & Public Culture: The Quest #20: A Man and His Wife Pt2

This is the second of 3 messages on manhood and the opposite sex. I want to give you the bottom line on men and women and husbands and wives. The bottom line is this; to a woman, men are strange; and to a man, women are weird. Isn’t that right?

And then there’s women and bathrooms! What is that? Here you are at the big game, and your team is driving for the winning score. You’re up there right as they’re moving to the winning score, your wife turns to you and says, “I think I’ll go to the bathroom.” That’s strange enough, right? But then the lady next to her says, “Can I join you?” She says, “Sure!” So they get up; they start moving down the aisles, and then there’s 2 or 3 women in the back who say, “Hey, can we go along with you?” “Yeah! Why don’t you join us?” And before long, all are gone to the bathroom.

Now, let me ask you this: if I turned to the guy next to me and said ‘Hey, would you like to go to the bathroom with me?’ What do you think he’d say? He’d say, “Can I have a policeman?” I’d be arrested. Of course, to women, men are just as strange, aren’t they? I mean, what is it with men and remote controls? And why is it that we don’t care what’s on? Just what else is on?

Men's & Women's Brains

All of these differences they’re finding can be traced back to the brain. Men and women’s brains are different. That’s a proven scientific fact.

First of all, here in the center you’re going to see the phone-shopping skills, indecision – those kinds of things. And then there’s the irrational thoughts – that‘s followed by jealousy.

Then there’s the ‘need for commitment hemisphere.’ There’s a whole hemisphere there. Then there’s also with that, the sense of direction nuclei. It’s just that little spot right there in the midst of ‘need for commitment hemisphere.’ Then that’s followed by the ice cream receptor, and then there’s the chocolate center – right there. Then finally, down at the very base – rock- solidly – the argue and debate lobe. And then lastly, but not least is the sex particle.

Of course, not to be outdone, we’ve got the man’s brain. Let’s stick the man’s brain up there. First of all, in the very center – that massive piece of flesh there in the middle – that’s the sex lobe, there in the middle. Then that’s followed by the ‘interrupt lobe’, then going along with that is the ‘short attention span fragment.’ Then next is the TV areas; then there’s the math center; then there’s the sports center. Then embedded within the sex gland; there’s that little dot. That’s the commitment molecule. Then that’s followed by the stick shift. I’m not sure what that is. Then there’s the CF lobe. That’s the ‘computer fixation lobe’, then there’s a large gland to the right – the ‘lame excuses gland.’ Then we also have right there the ‘remote control addiction center.’ Then buried in the ‘remote control addiction center’ is the listening particle. And then last, but not least, there’s the personal hygiene atom; it’s only an atom. And right at the very base is the ‘ask for directions resistance’ center.

There we are, guys. That’s why men are strange and women are weird. It’s in the brains – it’s how we are wired!

That creates a tremendous tension in this thing called “relationship” with the opposite sex. That’s what we’ve been exploring in the last Session and that’s what we want to continue to explore today.

A Brief Review

A. 0ur Key Verse

There’s one place in the Bible that really sums up what our challenge is as men. Found in 1 Peter 3:7 is this incredibly wise statement from the Apostle Peter to men of every generation. He says; “You husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way.”

That’s what we explored last Session. “In an understanding way” and the reason you need to do that is because she’s a woman. That’s just a real simple phrase, but it screams out, “She’s not like you. She’s a woman.” “And grant her honor as a fellow heir – (as an equal) – in the grace of life. Otherwise, your prayers are going to be hindered.”

Here’s another rendition of it in the way the Living Bible;

“You husbands must be careful of your wives, being thoughtful of their needs and honoring them. Remember that you and your wife are partners in receiving God’s blessing, and if you don’t treat her as you should, (there’s not only going to be just horizontal problems – there’s going to be vertical problems.) You’re going to be cut off from the very power and life of God to you.

If you don’t ‘get it’ and to ‘get it’ a man has to understand he’s not born naturally with skills that make him skillful with a woman. A man who’s skillful with a woman is a man who has acquired skills, acquired knowledge. He becomes wise by effort. It’s not going to be natural to him. The man who operates by a natural agenda is oftentimes going to fumble the ball with a woman and hurt her. And when it’s in marriage, it’s a real hurt. How a man lives with a woman, How successfully a man lives with a woman is a major part of his sense of success in life, and his feelings as a man. That’s why it’s so critical that we develop skills in this area.

B. Our Three Models of Marriage

1. The Top-Down Traditional Model of marriage. Unfortunately, in this the husband is seen as the Lord of the marriage, and he is oftentimes the winner in the marriage. He goes around saying “I’m benefactor”, and by saying that he’s giving himself a title that implies he is not to give benefits but simply to receive the benefits of the marriage. Often, one of the things women wrestle under is a man who gives himself the title of “Lord” and says, ‘I’m the one that receives the best and the first of the benefits in this relationship.’ Women wrestle with that kind of husband and they’re oppressed by that kind of husband. But unfortunately, it’s a major model of marriage today.

2. The 50-50 Identical Marriage. In this marriage, the husband is seen as a partner and a so-called ‘equal’ in life. The goal in this is that we do everything the same. Everything is parceled out exactly the same. There are no roles. It’s just everything’s going to be fair and fairness is the banner that’s carried in this marriage. Unfortunately, this kind of marriage, eventually breaks down because in any little organization – people are not going to do everything the same. If we’re always measuring whether we do everything equally, eventually I’m going to feel my pack’s heavier than your pack, right. And I’ll become resentful.

3. The ‘side-by-side’ Biblical marriage. Where at least from the Scriptural standpoint, the husband is deemed to be the head of the home, and we define that headship as being the responsible leader of equals, in a complementary pattern of life.

Core Issues in the Biblical Model of Marriage

With that I mentioned that if we were going to summarize marriage, at least from a Biblical standpoint, we would look at 3 core issues. First of all, let me just give you the definition of the word “core” again, that is "a small, but essential, ingredient that every marriage must not ignore, neglect, or compromise if it’s to be successful overall." In the next few moments, the things that I’m going to tell you guys are going to be a small part of marriage, but a very essential part of marriage. Every marriage built around this core will take on different shades, different colors, different emphases, different responsibilities, different adventures and those kinds of things.

But at the core, all marriages really are the same. Two people are trying to figure out how to live together - what their roles are going to be - how they respond to one another - how they meet each other’s needs, and that formulates the core of a marriage. Around that success, hopefully, you can build the rest of your marriage. This is the comprehensive structure of your marriage - it’s at the very core.

A. Core roles that God gives a husband and a wife in a marriage.

a) Wife-Helper. God calls the wife a ‘helper.’ That’s the title God gives a wife in marriage. That’s a very honorable title. It’s a title that God takes for Himself. Jesus Christ took that title for Himself. He called Himself our “Helper.” It’s a title – as you go through the Scripture – that stresses support, love, and care for the members of one’s family. It’s a nurturing role. It’s something that – apart from social conditioning – women naturally lean towards. They like to be nurturers. They like to be relational. They like to interact. There’s a loyalty and a love factor in women that’s just an instinct that has been given to them from creation. Certainly that’s true of the calling God has over a woman’s life.

By helper she, in a sense, says to herself that “I’m going to be the servant of this family. I’m going to be the servant-lover. I’m going to exercise those nurturing gifts.” When she does that in an honorable way, she blesses her family in immeasurable ways. Proverbs 31 that describes this kind of woman, “An excellent wife, who can find? Her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her. (See, he feels her support; he feels her love and care) and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her and her husband also, and he praises her saying, ‘many daughters have done nobly (there’s a lot of women who are doing good things) but you (because of how you’ve exercised this core role) excel them all.”

There are very few families that when they have finished running the race of life, and have had a woman like this, who don’t look back and say “we’re so glad we had a wife or a mother like that – who invested in us, loved us, supported us and cared for us.” That’s why Napoleon, during his reign in France, said, “France doesn’t need greater armies; France needs better mothers.” A mom has an unbelievable impact – and a supporting wife has an unbelievable impact in a man’s life. God says ‘that’s her core role.’ Now, does that mean that’s all she does? Absolutely not! She does tons of other things around there. Every woman’s life is unique, but at the core is this calling by God to be the servant-lover.

b) Husband-Head. The man, on the other hand, is called by God to be a ‘head.’ That’s his given title. It’s a title of honor that stresses responsibility, protection, provision and direction for the members of his family. We saw, in the last session, the term servant-leader. A blend of opposites. Servant and leader - those titles don’t seem to go together and yet the reality is that’s how Jesus Christ exemplified His great leadership for His church. He was a servant to the church as He led the church. When a man hears the word ‘Head’ – what he ought to hear is not “boss.” He ought to think ‘I lead by serving my family.’

Ephesians 5:23, “For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is also the Head of the church.”

You want to see leadership?, you look at Jesus Christ – then you know how to lead as head of your wife.

I want you to see those core roles at the very center of a marriage – this symbiotic, complementarian type of relationship — where they play these unique functions within the home that provides love and care and, at the same time, direction, protection and support. They work together as a blend of complements, not competitors. That makes a home.

B. Core responses that empower your mate's role

As the wife is the helper – for her to be the helper and feel good about helping, she needs a constant core response from her husband. For the husband to actually initiate in the home and lead and take on that responsibility that God has given him, he needs certain, key core responses from his wife. These are keys to making these roles work. So what are they?

a) Honor & Praise. Well, for the wife, she needs a response from her husband of what I call ‘honor and praise.’ For her to invest in a home, where nobody other than the husband can see it, she needs to know that that’s important by his honor and praise. For a wife to invest in supporting and caring for her husband, that husband needs to turn and continually remind the wife how important that support for his life is, so that she feels good about what she’s doing. For a wife to invest in children and all the things that occur with a child’s life, for her to feel that what she is doing is significant and important, the husband must continually be verbalizing in all kinds of different ways to his wife how important her nurturing is to his life and the overall success of this adventure we’re going through together – called marriage. She needs constant honor and praise from him.

We saw that in 1 Peter 3:7. “When you’re living with your wife in an understanding way …” embedded right in the middle of that verse, “grant her honor.” That’s so important because here’s what’s going to happen to a woman who is not being honored for that core role. After awhile she’s going to say it’s not worth it. After awhile, she’s going to say ‘this isn’t important.’ And after awhile, she’s going to start saying, ‘it’s better to go elsewhere. My real core roles are – maybe it’s a career – maybe it’s just being me, but this isn’t worth it, because no one recognizes its value.’

The husband in Proverbs 31 who had that noble wife – he understood it, because of all the things that his wife was doing for him, these are his words as he praises her. ‘You’re doing the best! I need you. Thank you for what you do for me! Thank you for what you do for our home, for our children, for our community. You are a noble woman!” You know, when a woman hears that and when she’s rewarded for that; when she feels that kind of significance coming out of the life of her husband, then this core role becomes important, significant, something I want to do – that I’m designed to do. Now it feels good to have that affirmed by the most important person in her life – her husband.

For the husband to fulfill his leadership role – what kind of response does he need from her?

b) Submission. Oftentimes this draws a lot of red flags. Why submission? If he’s going to lead; if he’s going to protect and direct and give kind of an overall sense of taking responsibility for this family first, then she can’t compete with him. If she’s competing – always criticizing his initiatives - then after a while he loses heart and he begins to grow passive. As we learned in earlier Sessions, men have this natural tendency toward passivity in the social and spiritual spheres.

She needs to be constantly encouraging that initiative in her husband – to do that she can’t compete. What submission really is, is stepping out of the way and not undercutting his leadership – but empowering it with a response of waiting and letting him take charge. Some women do that better than others, but the word that Scripture uses is submission. Let me give you three insights or disclaimers on submission.

1. Submission does not mean a ‘yes’ person. Everybody understand that? Submission doesn’t mean a woman goes around and says ‘yes, dear’ to everything.

2. Submission is not a man’s to demand from his wife. It’s only for a wife to give to her husband. It’s an attitude that she has because she wants him to be the kind of man God wants him to be. When a man starts initiating, it’s very easy for a woman to yield and say, ‘Go for it, honey.’ Because she feels protected and cared for from a guy that’s demonstrating that kind of responsible initiative.

3. Submission does not mean enabler of wrongdoing. It only means empowering right doing. Women say, ‘Should I give in to my husband, who’s wanting to do things that are wrong?’ No.’ She says, ‘Well, I thought I was supposed to submit.’ ‘No, you’re supposed to confront. And if he doesn’t listen, then let’s go get somebody and let’s bring some other men in who might stand in his way and tell him he’s doing the wrong thing.’ Submission is empowering, not enabling.

Colossians 3:18, “Wives, be subject to your husbands (but look at the last line, because now the last line again defines the first) as is fitting in the Lord.”

Whatever she does for you it should encourage a godly leadership, not an ungodly leadership. What a husband needs from his wife is the kind of empowerment that’s constantly encouraging him to go for it. ‘Lead! Protect me! Be responsible! Tell me where we’re heading in this relationship.’ Do you see, that plays right into how God originally created the man in the first place?

C. Core Concerns that meet your mate’s deepest needs

We’ve got wife, husband – we said the wife is the helper, The husband is the head. We said that the key response for the man towards his wife is honor and praise. The key response for the wife towards the husband is submission.

Now, I just want to mention some essential needs that go on in a marriage that you must meet in the opposite sex and the opposite sex must meet in you if you are going to have a successful lifetime together.

A Wife’s Core Concerns Explained (How a Husband Speaks “Woman”)

First of all, the wife’s role towards her husband. She needs to give him these things because he desperately needs them:

1. Companionship. A man wants a companion. He doesn’t want to be alone. What a man oftentimes wants is a woman who will do things with him, though. He likes her to join him in activities.

2. He also needs admiration. It’s an incredible need of a man to be admired by a woman. That’s why I tell the women, ‘you know, you want to hear the words “I love you” from your husband, but let me tell you the words he wants to hear most out of your lips. “I’m proud of you.” There’s nothing that makes a man stand taller than to see the eyes of his wife twinkle and she reaches over in the greatest of affection and says, “I am so proud of you.” When that happens, a man is suddenly stamped again as a real man.

3. He also needs her support because life is hard, and there are so many pressures in the world today. If a man has taken this kind of initiative, he needs to know that he’s being encouraged and cared for. What we’ve done in a marriage is we’ve made the same mistake Hitler made in World War II. He opened a western front against the allies, but then he made the supreme mistake of opening a second front with the Russians. What he did is he had to split his armies; he had to extend his supply lines, and he ran out of fuel. Here’s what’s happening in hundreds and thousands of homes. We’ve got a man who’s trying to lead and take care – and now we’ve got a woman who’s seeking to do the same thing. They’ve opened 2 fronts and they’re both looking for support, help and encouragement, and neither one has the energy to give to the other. What happens to them? Both run out of fuel and when they run out of fuel, what do you do? You go looking for somebody to support you. If your mate can’t support you, you do what is a survival instinct – you graft in a third party – and then that dissolves the relationship.

4. Men need physical responsiveness. Good sex. That’s another way of saying it. It is because we are intensely physical creatures.

Now we want to focus on the female side. Where do men need to meet the deep needs of women? Here’s what women need - they need companionship, too. A different kind of companionship – a more relational, rather than recreational, companionship – but they need that. They need security. They need significance. They need emotional responsiveness.

1. Women need Companionship. Did you know the Number 1 complaint of women in marriage is this: My husband won’t talk to me. Women were created by God to be intensely relational creatures, and much of their feeling of well-being in a relationship is related to how well they’re connected verbally and emotionally to a man. Have you ever wondered why soap operas are so popular on TV and romance novels are gobbled up by the millions, by women? Ever wonder why that is true? What’s causing that?

The reason is because those things and those images, exploit a woman’s imagination about a deeply connected relationship. They visualize it for her, and she fantasizes about having a man where she can open up her life and talk about her world. He’ll open up his life and talk about his world and they’ll be engaged in this intense kind of companionship. That’s what those things illustrate. That’s what she desires for her life. That’s what a woman wants from a man, and that’s what she got from you – if you’re married – during your days of courtship. When you were all infatuated with her, you were sending her flowers; spending vast amounts of time with her; writing her poems; or singing songs to her; or getting down on your knees and doing some kind of elaborate proposal for the engagement. She thought ‘this is the way it’s going to be!’ Then you said, ‘I do.’ – and then you quit.

Instead of that deep well of togetherness, there came “a creeping separateness over the years”, and she loses what she most longs to have from you - companionship. That’s why a wife, in the traditional kind of wedding ceremony – took your name. The reason she took your last name is it’s symbolic of what she thought she was getting in the relationship. She thought she was getting you and that’s what she most wants. Wise is the man who will pay attention to that – building in to companionship. You may be saying, “well, how can I do that?”

Let me give you 3 things. This is what I’m going to call a ‘must do’, a ‘can do’ and hopefully you’ll have the courage to do.

a.A “must do.” The first must do is this, regularly date your wife. This is for every man – all the way through the lifetime of the marriage. There needs to be some kind of regularity where you get alone with your wife, without the kids. If you’re a young married, you may have to pay for a babysitter, but do that. But as you go on, you need to take time to go out with your wife and learn to ask her some simple questions about her world. Take the time to tell her about your world as well. That’s a “Must Do.” You cannot lose that connection, because when you do – you know what you’re going to look like? Go out sometime to a restaurant and look around you. Watch the older couples. You will recognize the ones who haven’t paid attention to their relationship. They’ll be sitting at this table, having this nice meal, and he’ll be looking around and she’ll be looking down as she eats. You start wondering, “are they ever going to say anything?” Oftentimes they can go through the whole meal without speaking to anyone except the waiter! That’s an illustration of a death – the death of companionship.

b. A “Can Do.” Develop a common thing you enjoy doing together. The old age ‘the couple that plays together, stays together’ is good. You can do that. Maybe you like to jog with your wife, or ride motorcycles with your wife, or go fishing with your wife; or maybe you like to take trips with your wife or Sports. That’s good! Develop a common play area, because that creates companionship.

c. Courage to do. That is, plan a special just-for-you-two getaway. When I say that; plan it yearly. Something where you can just get away yearly and when you go away, your goal is to romance your wife; talk to your wife; listen to her; tell her about your world – catch up on everything. Spend 2, 3, 4 days away. And do it yearly, because that will build this important concept called companionship – and women have a need for companionship.

2. Women need security. A woman needs to know that her man is taking care of her. Today, when women are flooding into the marketplace – you think women can take care of themselves and many of them, in fact, can. Sometimes they can out-earn and outwork their husbands in significant ways, but here’s what I want every guy to hear.

What is true of the workplace is not true for a woman in marriage. Those are two different subjects. A wife needs and wants a man who will care for and protect her, and provide for her, especially financially. With so many men lacking the warrior spirit today, they wilt under that statement. They’re soft. They’re still looking for the mother-wife! This scares women, but a woman who gives her life to you, wants to know that you’re going to protect and care for her – especially through the financial sphere of life. She needs to know that you are making her world safe to fulfill her life as a woman. And that goes beyond the workplace.

She needs to know that you‘re making it safe for her to be free to exploit her femininity in all walks of her life – which is not just in the community, but also in the home, with children.

Therefore, a wife needs a man who will support and provide for her. She may choose to work, and if she does, that’s great! She may make a great income. That’s great. But that is not the point of whether she works or not. The real point that I’m trying to make is that somewhere along the line, if she chooses to focus on her God-given instincts of home and children and things like that, she needs to know that you’re supporting her in that – and not keeping her from doing that because you need the money.

It is interesting in Willard Harley’s book His Needs, Her Needs. It was a book that Harley went out and interviewed 20,000 couples – looking for common traits in these couples. Here’s what one of the key things that Harley found was common to all these couples. “Married women resent having to work. They resent having to work.” I want to quote him for just a moment; “Whatever a woman says in public about the willingness to share the burden of making a living in public. Married women resent working if – IF their money is an absolute necessity. Even part-time works irritates them if their income has to help pay for basic living expenses.”

Young men today expect their wife will continue to work, regardless of any circumstance. Guys, that’s not how God intended it. She can work, she may want to work, you may agree for her to work – that’s good. That’s your choice. But I think a real man – a Christian man – will seek to provide for his wife in such a way that it will make it possible to free her from work, especially in the season of motherhood, so she can concentrate on something she instinctively wants to do – and that’s be with her kids.

a. A “must do.” From time to time, tell your wife – if you want to make her feel secure. You want to see your wife light up? Just put your arms around her and say, ‘I just want you to know something. I’m committed to you for life.’ Remind her of your deep commitment. A good time to do that is on anniversaries.

b. A “can do.” Establish financial disciplines. She may be more financially astute than you are, but you still need to take the initiative in establishing financial disciplines, such as this: avoid debt as much as possible; develop a long-range security plan for your wife that includes life insurance, a savings plan, a health plan and a well thought out will. All those things provide the boundaries around the relationship that give her security.

c. Courage To Do. Seek to provide financially so your wife doesn’t have to work. For some of you that might mean scaling back your wants. Especially seek to do that so she’s free to raise children – to give her time and attention to the children particularly when they’re young.

3. Women need significance. Remember, 1 Peter says that we’re to grant her honor. James Dobson says this; “90% of our self-concept is built from what others think about us, and for any woman who’s giving her life as all women do nobly, sometimes to the work-world, and then also to home and children and husband and all that, those women especially and the emphasis they give to hearth and home, need to be constantly feeling your appreciation for what they do. That’s one of their more significant works.”

Did you know not long ago there was a survey taken between employees and management? They were asked to rank 8 characteristics of job criteria from most important to least important when answering this question: What makes your work worthwhile?

Management thought the most important thing – the thing they ranked number 1, was pay – money. Employees ranked pay third. When employees were ranking what they thought was the thing that was most important for their work – they ranked recognition from their bosses first. They wanted some kind of verbal appreciation for the work that they were doing. Management ranked that last, and therein defines the problem. Especially for a woman who’s giving her life behind closed doors so much of the time to significant things – things that are going to change the future generation.

That doesn’t mean that you’re not significantly and equally involved with a lot of that. But, a lot of her care and attention to her role comes from you recognizing the significant role she plays in your family by doing that. There are no plaques on the wall for that. There are no dream vacations to the Bahamas for a certain quota met. There’s no pay raises for that; for sewing on a button – for being the entertainment director for a 4-year old; for driving endless carpools; for doing a science project for a 12-year old. All there is in those moments is YOU! What you say – or don’t say. What YOU do to her or don’t do. Or how you reward that effort or ignore it. A woman needs to know that what she does is significant and who she is is significant. Let me give you a couple of suggestions.

a. A must-do: Regularly tell your wife how much – REGULARLY tell her – how much you value what she does and how important she is to you.

b. A can-do: Surprise your wife. Comrades, let’s all do this this week. Surprise your wife with a note of praise. Add some flowers – that makes it even better. Or give her a special night out and when she’s out that night and you’re sitting down, you took her out to eat and she’s saying ‘thanks for taking me out to eat.’ Look across the table and say, ‘let me tell you why I took you out to eat tonight. I just want tonight to be a special thank you for all you do for me and our home, and the world that we live in. You make it better.’

c. Courage to Do: From time to time, lavish your wife with special gifts: jewelry, a surprise trip, money just to spend on her; the costlier the better. Did you hear that, guys: The costlier - the better.

4. Women need Emotionally responsiveness. Your wife has a deep need for you to be emotionally responsive to her. A woman’s world is a world of deep feelings. She needs to hear your heart – and she needs you to hear her heart. That means when she is down or depressed don’t come in and say, ‘well, tell me what’s wrong’ and then when she tells you, you say, ‘well, let me tell you how to fix that.’ She doesn’t necessarily need you to fix it for her. That’s what wives keep reminding their husbands over and over again: ‘I just need you to listen; to experience my world.’

Here’s what author John Gray says, “when a man does not object or argue with a woman’s feelings, but instead accepts and confirms their validity and listens with empathy as she explores those feelings, a woman will feel truly loved.”

It’s a wise man who says to his wife on occasions, “tell me about it, honey.” And he has the time to listen to the response. Your wife also needs to hear your heart. That’s hard for Comrades at times, but when she says, ‘what’s going on with you’? For you guys that find that difficult, you need to look within yourself and ask yourself, ‘what am I feeling’? If you’re feeling discouraged, don’t feel like that’s the wrong thing to say your helpmate; it’s the right thing. Just say, ‘you know, I’m feeling kind of discouraged.’ If she asks, “Why?”, try to think of why. It will help you, but it will really help her.

a. A must-do. Regularly tell your wife, ‘I love you.’ She can never get enough of that phrase. Give her a hug. Tomorrow morning – get up – just put your arms around her before you go off to work. Look her in the eye and say “I want you to know I love you.” You’ve made her day, because it came from your heart.

b. A can-do, learn to say, “So tell me how you’re doing.” A guy who learns to practice this phrase periodically – “Honey, tell me how you’re doing” and has the time to listen, that’s a wise man.

c. A Courage-To-Do; On special occasions, let your wife know why you love her with spoken words, a card, or in a poem. Spell it out in detail all the things that you admire and love about her – and be specific and romantic. That will make such a difference in this relationship called marriage – or in any relationship with a woman. This is wonderful wisdom for you guys who are in a dating relationship.

Why We Need to Teach and Proclaim the Side-by-Side Biblical Model of Marriage

Let me finish with 6 reasons for doing these things above. I believe there are real specific reasons to say ‘this is good for me; this is good for my community; this is good for our nation.’

1. It positions a man and woman for what they naturally do best. There is a natural instinct for a woman to nurture. There’s a natural instinct for men to lead responsibly. Our world is doing just the opposite, and that’s why some kids don’t have a dad and why marriage is at epidemic levels of separation/divorce. We need to do the things that position a man and woman at the core with what God designed them to do best.

2. It organizes a man and woman to complement each other, rather than compete with each other. When a man and woman understand this and say, “I’ll do this” they give each other a tremendous gift – the gift of oneness because they can complement one another.

3. It creates an environment that is best for the healthy development of children. Children need a mom –they need an involved dad – they need nurturing. They don’t need two careerists who are toxically focused on themselves.

4. It becomes the ideal, when we can train our children to embrace these things from an early age. That’s why Dad need to tell their sons , ‘you need to lead.’ Then tell them what leadership is going to cost them. It’s going to cost them everything. But in so doing, they’ll honor the word of God and His family tradition, if they love their wife in a sacrificial way and free her up to be all that God meant for her to be.

5. It honors God’s word and because it honors God’s word, it will be blessed by Him.

6. It prospers and advances society as a whole. It makes a healthy world.

Abraham Lincoln got it right with his quote. He said, “The strength of a nation lies in the homes of its people.”

Comrades, what I’ve just shared with you are timeless truths for marriage. Our modern world is rushing to change everything and change all the rules, but in doing that we are creating more messes than successes. But these are timeless truths, and these are good – not only for a marriage today – they’re good for marriages in every generation.