Reforming FamilyLife & Public Culture: The Quest #21: 25 Ways to Be a Servant Leader

Comrades, can you believe it – we’re on Session 21 in our journey in Authentic Manhood. We've covered an immense volume of material. We started out, if you remember, by covering the history of manhood. Then we talked about our past; we talked about why we become who we’ve become because of our family of origin. We talked about wounds that we suffered; we talked about friendship . We had a session on the theology of manhood – where we probed around in the beginnings of the Scripture – the book of Genesis. We formulated a few sessions ago a solid, Biblical definition of manhood, and then in the last few sessions we’ve been covering men and women in general, and marriage in particular.

One more thing I want you to remember is your Manhood Plan.

Remember the first part of the plan was “Looking Back” – you should have completed that part by now. The second part of the Manhood Plan which is “Looking at Now” should have been completed and in these last few sessions, “Looking Forward” should be in process and nearing completion.

Marriage at the Core

The last couple of Sessions, we’ve been talking about marriage. We want to finish that today. I want to repeat a very fundamental principle that we’ve learned. At the core of marriage are:

A. Two equals with different functions.

When the Scriptures outline the role of a man and a woman in marriage, they’re referring to that small, but essential ingredient that the husband and the wife bring together in that relationship. That’s what marriage at the core is focused on – the intimacy of a man and a woman. What is wrapped around that core as a husband and a wife for their individual lives, and for their marriage, in particular, can be vastly different than anybody else’s due to the careers they pursue, the interests they have and the things that they invest themselves in. All these are electives in life, and that’s part of the wonder of life, but at the core there’s sameness for a man and a woman. Those core responsibilities and those core roles that they have towards one another are absolutely essential to the success of the marriage, because they fit the man and the woman into a complementary relationship that brings success.

For the wife, her core role is summarized in that title ‘helper.’ She serves the marriage and she’s a servant of the marriage. She serves the marriage by assuming a nurturing role of care and support. It’s vital for the relationship – it’s vital for the husband-wife interaction – it’s vital when children come along – and it’s vital for launching a healthy next generation. That’s how a woman serves at the core.

The man’s core role is summarized in the word ‘head.’ He’s also a servant; and his role is to serve the marriage by assuming a leadership of courage and responsibility. Comrades, that’s what it’s going to take to accomplish the kind of responsibilities you’ve been given. It’s going to take a lot of courage.

Those are the two essential core roles in a marriage. They complement one another over a lifetime. We also learned in the last Session, as we were finishing up, that a man who’s skilled in the “Art of Woman” also knows how to meet the vital needs of his wife. I gave you the 4 top needs a woman has not only in the dating relationship, but especially in the marriage relationship.

1. Companionship. She needs a friend that she can drink deeply within relationship, because women are strong relational creatures.

2. Security. She needs to know that she’s safe in a relationship with her husband, and especially when that comes to finances.

3. Significance. She needs to know that she’s valued. That’s why the response of praise and honor in that relationship from the husband to his wife is so important. The woman – in all the small things of the home and family – needs to know how essential those are.

4. Emotional responsiveness. Women need you to take the time to listen to them express their world to you. They need to hear the emotional expression, “I love you”. That’s so vitally important to a relationship.

For you younger guys, just starting out in the marriage relationship – or you guys maybe in a serious dating relationship. I recommend Robert's book Rockin’ the Roles: Building a Win-Win Marriage. It fleshes out in much greater detail the things that we’ve been talking about the last 3 sessions.

Head = Servant-Leader
If we were to reduce all of this down to a term defining the man, his relationship to a woman and how he does it – we’d boil it down to just one term that I’d give to the head, or to the husband – it is: Servant Leader. It’s a noble title, guys. For those men who’ll assume that title, it creates a noble adventure. But I want to be honest with you. It’s an adventure that’s both thrilling and terrifying all at the same time.

When you begin to think of servant-leader, it sounds great on the ground, but when you take it into the air, it has a whole different feeling altogether.

25 Ways to Be a Servant-Leader

What I’m about to give you is an outline for life – an outline for a lifetime – not a ‘To Do’ list for this week. Don’t get overwhelmed. This is an outline for a lifetime, so you need to relax.

Nevertheless, I am going to give you 25 practical ways to be a servant-leader, in the real, day-to-day, journey of life:

1. A servant-leader includes his wife when envisioning the future. It’s so important that you men know where you’re going in your relationship with your wife. You’re not just living in panic each day. So many guys live their married life reacting to what’s just happened to them. But if you are a servant-leader, you’re taking your marriage relationship, and the children that flow from it, somewhere. And here’s the big question: To where?

It’s your responsibility as a man to work with your wife, to formulate a future that both of you are excited about sacrificing for and living for. To do this, you’re going to have to pull out periodically and get away. Then you sit down and look at each other in the eye, and start asking some questions like: Where do we want to go in this relationship? What do we want our kids to look like? What are the things that we want to do in this marriage? To have in this marriage? To enjoy in this marriage? That requires getting away and talking about it, because the one thing that you want to be sure to do is not just to talk about it, but to agree upon it together so you can fight for it when you get back home.

Please check out Bill Wellons Book Getting Away to Get it Together. It’s a real simple outline of how to have a 2 or 3-day get-away, where you sit down to make a list of questions and get some things to talk about. It’s where you begin to shape your future together as a husband and wife. Envisioning the future of your relationship is your responsibility. That’s part of being the pilot in your marriage. A servant-leader will envision the future for his wife and help work with her to agree together on where they’re going.

2. A servant-leader accepts spiritual responsibility for the family. Men, you are the pacesetter for your family spiritually. You hear a man saying, ‘you know my wife – she’s the spiritual one of the family.’ Why? Men, Do you think that absolves you from that? It’s your role as a man to be in tandem with your wife. You’re the one who should be talking about the importance of church and how often we attend. You should be the one of the men who has the courage to initiate spiritual discussions. You should be the one who is growing deep enough in God’s Word that when it comes to major decisions and issues in life, you can bring spiritual perspective into that decision-making. That’s your responsibility. It’s so important that you accept that responsibility.

3. A servant-leader is one who is willing to say, ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘Forgive me’ to his family. There will be moments of humiliation for every leader. What you do is – you go by God’s grace. You just get down on your knees and look them right in the eye and say, ‘Would you forgive me?’ And you know what they do? They forgive you. Then you can move on.

4. A servant-leader discusses household responsibilities with his wife and makes sure that they’re fairly distributed. A good question, I think, for a servant-leader to ask is ‘After 5 pm, is the workload fair?’ Because it’s real easy for a man to think that when he comes home the day is over. No. Is the workload fair? That’s the question you need to be asking. Over time, there’s going to be the need from time to time to reassess who does what around the home, especially when kids come along. And when the kids get old enough, it’s good for them to take charge of their responsibility to the home as well.

5. A servant-leader seeks the consultation of his wife on all major financial responsibilities. Don’t surprise your wife with that new purchase – without her knowing about it. And worse, don’t surprise her with a Car. She needs to be included. A wife needs to be included – even if she is not inclined towards money and thinks you’re just going to take care of it – don’t let her excuse herself from the financial decisions. She needs to be a part of all major financial decisions; all major financial investments; all financial decisions about giving; about budgeting. She needs to be educated in it and part of that, and in tandem with you on that. It would really be good for every couple to have established some sound Biblical, financial principles as well, so when they are making those decisions, they have some common ground on which to have that particular discussion.

6. A servant-leader will follow through with commitments he has made to his wife. His word to his wife is extremely important. He wants it to be golden, because it inspired in her the key word for an intimate relationship – which is trust. Trust is the super-glue of any relationship.

7. A servant-leader anticipates the different seasons of his marriage. He understands that marriage is going to change from season to season, so he anticipates the different seasons his marriage will pass through.

One psychologist said that a long-term marriage is really serial monogamy.

The first marriage – Marriage without children – Some couples really good, they travel and have fun.

The second marriage – marriage with children – Some couples don't too well, part of the reason for that is because some men still operate on principles from the previous season – thinking that the house should be clean and my wife should be sexy, and available to me, even though she was spending most of her day running around with a rug-rat and up with a newborn at night. It doesn’t work. Men can have things out of perspective.

Empty nesters – married without children. How well we anticipate all that that change matters – because it’s going to change your relationship. It’s especially going to change your wife’s relationship when she doesn’t have breakfast to cook for children and things to clean up, and places to go with them.

It’s going to require adjustment. Every marriage is a series of marriages. A good servant-leader will anticipate the next season coming up and the changes that need to be made in order to make that next season as effective, and hopefully as successful as the previous one.

8. A servant-leader anticipates the different stages his children will pass through, and his leadership must adjust to those stages. Did you know when your kids are under the teenage years, basically your role towards them as a dad is that of a coach? Sometimes a strong coach – a coach who’s saying ‘do this.’ ‘Don’t do that.’ Giving directions and barking out orders and stuff like that; but when they become teenagers, you can’t be a coach anymore. You’ve got to change to being more of a counselor—one who’s there to listen – to empathize; to be a part of all the emotion that’s going through those years, and to offer advice in ways that they can receive it. If you try to be a coach with a teenager, you’re going to lose.

Then when they get to their college years and in their opening years out in the work- world, you move more to a consultant role. You’re not even the counselor anymore. A consultant is somebody who is invited in – he doesn’t butt in – he gets invited in to give information. That’s your new face for a season. Hopefully, if you navigate that well, as they move into married life, then you move from a consultant to a colleague -- a trusted friend. But a servant-leader looks at his children and he understands that there’s a real skill involved in interacting that has been entrusted to him.

9. A servant-leader frequently tells his wife what he likes about her. That’s one of those small, but ‘high octane skills’ that a true servant-leader possesses that elevates his game. It’s when out of the blue, he turns to his wife – they might be walking in the mall, or she may be there washing the dishes – and he puts his arms around her, and says, ‘you know what I really like about you?’ And then he tells her. And a husband – a wise husband – is one who possesses that finesse in relationship to the woman he loves. That gives life to a wife’s soul.

10. A servant-leader provides financially for his family’s basic living expenses. It’s very important that a wife knows that she’s safe financially with a man. When she feels that, she admires and trusts him and gives him that admiration which he desperately wants for his life. When he doesn’t do it, he can sense it in her face and it hurts him. “I’m not living up to your expectation.”

11. A servant-leader deals with distractions so he can talk with his wife and family. This means you need to initiate some TV-free evenings. Comrades, this is a big challenge. I’m talking about times where it’s just quiet around the house – we can talk. Or where you date your children, or date your wife on a weekly basis. Where you take them out – just you and them in an undistracted way, and you just talk. You ask them questions. You learn to use a series of ‘consulting questions.’ Tell me how you’re doing. Tell me what’s going on in your life. Tell me what you’re feeling. How are you doing with your friends? Tell me what’s going in school. It’s kind of an interview, but you’re getting into their life and you’re allowing them to get into yours. A servant-leader is a person who wants to stay in touch, but to stay in touch – he’s got to initiate. He’s got to actually take action in his frenzied world to get the distractions out of the way so he can hear what’s really going on.

12. A servant-leader prays with his wife on a regular basis. The thing I encourage men to do first of all – is have a prayer life of your own. But there comes a moment – it’s really a crucial moment – where you take the initiative and kind of step out there and you say, ‘would you pray with me?’ Let me tell you, when you have the courage to lead courageously like that you enter into a ground of intimacy that is absolutely incredible. But to get there, you have to take the lead.

13. A servant-leader initiates meaningful family traditions. Besides special holiday traditions, probably the most meaningful traditions are the traditions we set up with the ceremonies around them to initiate, and call, our sons and daughters into manhood and womanhood. Those are traditions and ceremonies I’m going to be sharing with you over the next 3 Session. I just want you to know, those are some of the most exciting moments in raising a son and raising a daughter. These are moments along the way where you help them craft their manhood and womanhood.

14. A servant-leader initiates “fun outings” for his family on a regular basis. Part of your job is to keep laughter in the home. Whether its games you play or whatever it might be, it’s so important to keep fun in the home. It’s also important to create great memory adventures of fun.

When my mom died a number of years ago, she left a little small inheritance to us as a family.

15. A servant-leader takes the time to give his children practical instructions about life which in turn gives them confidence with their peers. Don’t let your child guess at life. Don’t make them guess. It makes them feel foolish.

You need to teach them basic things. Sometimes we forget that they don’t just naturally pick up the basic things. You need to teach your son how to tie a tie so it looks good – so when he’s at school, it’s not hanging off his neck and guys are making fun of him. You need to teach him how to dribble the ball. You need to teach them how to fill out a checkbook/Pay slip/Bank Slip. You need to teach them how to change their oil and inflate their tires. You need to teach them how to write nice thank you notes to people who do things for them. You need to teach them how to give a handshake so it feels firm. Those are just basic things. How to make up a bed where it really looks good. How to care for an animal if they have a pet. How to interact with a woman, how to call them and what to do when they’re on a date. Those are simple things, but you know what it does? It takes the clumsiness out of life and it inspires confidence, rather than anger and frustration. That’s part of being a dad. That’s part of being a servant-leader.

16. A servant-leader manages the schedule of the home and anticipates any pressure points. In the frenzied pace of the 21^st Century, that in itself is an unbelievable challenge.

17. A servant-leader keeps his family financially sound and out of harmful debt. Did you know the number one cause of marital difficulties is finances? It’s one of the primary causes of family break-ups. So this is a big, big issue. ‘Stay out of debt.’

I know there are places for appropriate debt. I’m talking about harmful debt, and for you young guys who ‘want it all’ by the time you’re 25, you’re going to have it all and more – but you’re not going to like it. Don’t get into harmful debt. Debt means uncontrolled spending. There have to be reins on that. There has to be reasonable objectives. Over time, life will provide for you a lot of wonderful things at the appropriate time. Don’t overspend to get them at the inappropriate time.

18. A servant-leader makes sure he and his wife have drawn up a will and arranged a well-conceived plan for their children in case of death. Do you have a will, Comrades? What would happen to your wife and children if you were to die today? Let’s say you were pulling out of the parking lot and you were killed. What would happen to them? Do you have a plan? Is it well drawn out and clear? And here’s probably the best question: After the funeral’s over, and your wife and children are leaving – with what you’ve left them, would they say ‘thank you’? That’s what I mean by a well-conceived will.

19. A servant-leader lets his wife and children into the interior of his life. One of the best ways you can let your children into your life is tell them stories. Tell them stories – make it fun. Tell them what you did when you were growing up, and make it into a story. That lets them get to experience you when you were young.

Open your heart to your wife. Ask yourself, ‘am I telling my wife what I’m feeling?’ See, if you don’t, they’ll sense it, because men have a tendency to take their feelings and go into their cave and just stay there, and the wife is left guessing. What that creates is distance between you, when what she needs is for you to come out and share your heart.

20. A servant-leader honors his wife often in public. It’s great when a man builds up his wife in front of others. One of the great ‘moves’ you can give to your wife is be out with a group of people and just drop a compliment about your wife in front of the others. ‘Doesn’t my wife look wonderful tonight?’ ‘You know, my wife is one of the kindest people I know.’ ‘Look how pretty my wife looks here tonight.’ When you do that, you invest gold into the relationship. Let me encourage you to do that and be skilled servant-leader.

21. A servant-leader explains sex to his children in a way that gives them a wholesome perspective. You may check out Jim Dobson Book, Preparing for Adolescence. It talks about friendships and emotions, as a kid’s going through puberty. One of the sessions in there is about sex. It’s a wonderful thing for a dad to do that, but that takes courage and it takes time. But it’s what a dad does when he’s a servant-leader.

22. A servant-leader encourages his wife to grow as an individual. From time to time, he’ll ask her ‘what else would you like to do with your life? What are your dreams?’ And he lets her express those and where he can apply applications, he does. He tries to make a lot of those dreams her reality because part of your role as a man is to help your wife to become all that she was meant to be.

23. A servant-leader takes the lead in establishing with his wife sound Biblically supportable family values. This kind of goes along with envisioning the future; But what are the values that you hold together as a husband and wife? You know, that may sound easy but it’s hard. What are your common values about money? About marriage? About God? About life in general and the issues about life? Alcohol? Debt? It’s really important that two agree because the Scripture says that unless two are agreed, how can they walk together?

The big kicker is when you ask the question ‘what are the specific values we want our children to leave home with?’ Can we articulate those? They’re driving away for the last time into life with what values? Can you name them – the ones that you really want them to hold on to? You need to be specific and clear about those and a husband and wife need to agree upon those in order to be able to deposit those – not only in their own marriage, but in the lives of their children.

24. A servant-leader joins a small group of men who are dedicated to improving their skills as a man, husband and father. Some of you can check this one off because you’re doing that right here – so congratulations! If not, Please Join Now.

25. A servant-leader provides time for his wife to pursue her own personal interests. The reason I put that in last is because we all need our space. Here’s a good rule of thumb to follow; whatever space you provide for yourself to pursue your own interests, your wife needs equal time to pursue her interests.

Those are just 25 specific, practical things you can do as a servant-leader. There are probably more, but those are the ones that if we were just sitting and talking and you asked, ‘well, just tell me how to do this’, that’s what I would tell you. This is what it means to be a servant-leader. It’s both thrilling and terrifying, isn’t it guys?

Remember, we’re talking about an outline for a lifetime. If you will look at these things, then consider them, and apply them to your own life in the years to come – if you really stay with it – I have a promise for you. – “Real Man” – it’ll be deeply satisfying.