We are coming from marriage, where we’ve been the last three sessions, to parenting – to that great and noble ambition of parenting – how to raise healthy sons and healthy daughters.
The Power of Dad
A. Three Types of Parenting
Today I want to start by giving you 3 models of parenting.
1. Absent Parenting. Unfortunately, the absent parent is epidemic today. Some kids today, don’t have a mom or a dad at home. The epidemic is even worse when they are there physically, but are absent socially and emotionally.
Many times today you may have two parents who are career-driven. In the former years, the women used to complain about the career-driven husband. Unfortunately, today – rather than the excess of the career-drive in the man being corrected –women joined the work force too. A lot of young children grow up not only suffering from the Absent Father Wound, but will also suffer from the Absent Mother Wound as they become adults. Mom just wasn’t there.
2. Engaged Parenting. It’s good for moms and dads to realize the importance of being close to their children, getting involved in their schoolwork, involved in their social relationships, attending their games – just being an overall part of their lives, which gives weight to a child’s life growing up. That’s such a healthy thing, and it’s so encouraging to see so many children having more of time and more attention from mom and dad. A kid just can’t raise his or herself. They need that closeness, they need time and attention to grow up healthy and whole.
3. Strategic Parenting. It’s a style of parenting that not only engages a son or daughter with time and attention, but also equips a son or daughter with the most important issues of life, So that when they go out in life, they go out confident about life.
B. Dad Is Destiny
In today's and next session, I will address some specific ways a dad can be strategic with his son, and then next session, strategic with his daughter. As you know, throughout Men Of Courage we have made one important point over and over again – and that is Dad, for a child, is destiny. His presence or lack of it has no rival when it comes to shaping the formative beginnings of a child’s life. For a son, dad is –and dad always will be – a powerful reality in a child’s life.
When it comes to that incredible closeness between a father and son, and what goes on there, there is some emotional physics that will occur that will last for a lifetime. The Scriptures are very clear about this emotional physics, and Proverbs 17:6 here’s what it says. It says: “The glory of sons is their fathers.”
The 3 things Every Son needs to hear from Dad
For a son, dad will always be this extremely powerful reality – whether he’s conscious of it or not. It will surface from time to time – Dad is always there. As we’ve mentioned several times, every son needs to hear at least 3 things from his dad over his lifetime – to have, in a sense, that weight in his body from dad. He needs to hear:
1. “Son, I love you.” He needs to hear that verbally, specifically, face-to- face; eyeball-to-eyeball.
2. He needs to hear from his dad, “Son, I’m proud of you.”
3. And he needs to hear from his dad, “Son, you’re good at ” and whatever he’s good at, the blank needs to be filled in. He needs to feel that from dad.
Even Jesus needed that. There are number of times God the Father verbally speaks to Jesus Christ. It’s interesting, on every one of those occasions, He says pretty much the same thing.
He says to Jesus these words, Mat 17:5“This is My beloved Son in whom I am well-pleased. Listen to Him.” And in that moment, we hear this affirmation; this commendation from a father to his Son that’s so desperately needed by the Man, Jesus Christ. “This is My beloved Son” (I love You). “In whom I am well-pleased.” (I’m proud of You). “Listen to Him.” (telling those around Him, because this Man has something to say; He’s good.).
Jesus Christ needed that. If Jesus Christ needed that, how much more do fathers need to give that to their sons during their very difficult journey towards manhood? A strategic father – not just an engaged father. Not a father who just hangs around his son and attends his games and takes him on some hunting trips – all that is good stuff between a father and son, but it’s not the most strategic stuff. Within those activities and that presence, there needs to be deposited specific and strategic thoughts, information and empowerment that makes him be able to stand in the storm of life later on. Those 3 phrases are part of the adventure of a strategic father who will speak those words often to his son.
The Three Ingredients of Strategic Fatherhood
A strategic dad will also do other things. And that’s what we want to look at today. Important things – life-shaping things, ingredients that make a son healthy, confident and clear in life. I want to present these 3 ingredients, using a metaphor – the metaphor of volleyball.
You don’t have to play volleyball very long to know that there are 3 key moves in volleyball. There’s the Dig. It’s a person getting down in the dirt to pull that ball up for his teammates. There is the Set, where you set it up for the net. And then there’s that other strategic move called the Spike – where you jam it home and score the point.
Strategic Fatherhood, in some ways, can be compared to those 3 moves in the game of volleyball. I want to give them to you as definitions.
1. For a Strategic Dad – the Dig is dad’s compelling character. Every son wants to be like his dad, at least for a time – until dad disappoints; until dad pulls back or pulls out. In the beginning, every son wants to be like his dad. And the Dig is this: The Dig is that you as a dad must have a life worth wanting, and that’s hard, dirty work. That’s not something that you can go out on a weekend seminar and get from a notebook. That’s not something that just immediately happens. That’s not some kind of phrase that you can throw out to your son on occasion, and he finally gets it.
The Dig is you getting down in the everyday dirt of life – the hard-edged, pressurized frenzy of the 21st Century and living in such a way that your life would be in some ways compelling to your son. He would look at you by the choices you make. He would look at you by the way you react and interact in certain specific situations. He would look at you and see how you handle certain moral dilemmas and in those dirty digs, he would see a life worth wanting to emulate. A Dig cannot be taught. A dig is character that’s caught.
Comrades, here’s a hard truth - it’s a dirty truth: your sons will live what you have lived out in your home. That’s the bottom line for guys – Dad’s compelling character.
2. The Set. Setting a son up in life. What’s the Set? It’s dad’s clear instruction. Steven Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People mentions that one of the essential habits of life for successful people is that they begin any enterprise with the end in mind. Every dad should ask this question, ‘What essential information do I want my son to leave home with at the end?’
We’ve mentioned this before, but as he drives away, and you’ve shaken his hand or hugged his neck and said, ‘Son, be a man’. Now his car is disappearing over the horizon, what does he leave home with? That’s the end. Every Strategic Dad begins his interaction with his son with that end in mind. So, what are the things that you want to have your son leave home with that gives weight and substance and strategic value to his life? Certainly, we want good memories of fun activities but, there’s got to be more than that.
A Strategic Dad asks these questions: What do I want my son to leave home with concerning information about manhood? Or about his role with a woman? Does he understand that? Or about money? Or about particular social skills – whether it’s just in life in general, with a woman in particular; how to work. Have I taught him how to work? How to be on time? How to clean up his room? How to get up by himself and take initiative in life? What does he know about God that I imparted into his life? What does he know about sex that I imparted into his life? Or about life in general?
Every time Dad gives some clear, hands-on instruction about life, here’s what he does for that son: He sets him at the net. He sets him up for success. It’s called the Set.
3. The Spike is Dad’s Creative Ceremonies for His Sons, which we will handle today – which are done by the dad for his son to mark his progress towards manhood. It’s the moment where - not only does he set him up in life – but he drives the principle home about what it means to be a man and how that son is making progress towards manhood.
The Power of Ceremony: Five Characteristics
We need to bring back the power of ceremony. It’s been lost today. If you were asked, “when is it that you became a man and how did you know?”
Many men would say “I would have loved to have had a moment where I knew I had been commissioned into manhood.” That's the Power of Ceremonies. There're different kinds of ceremonies: baptism which is a ceremony marking a change in life for a person from a life lived by themselves without God, to living with God. It just kind of marks that moment; Weddings, Graduations, etc
Ceremonies are powerful. They all have a unique communication to them, because that’s the whole essence of a ceremony. A ceremony is a sacred seal about something. It seals in a way that few things can – a change in life. Because of the investment of time and attention and money in it, it creates importance and an unforgettable memory. That’s what ceremonies are all about.
George Dubey in his book on knights, says that when a young man came to that moment, after all his training, where he knelt before the king and he felt the blade on his shoulders knighting him, Dubey makes this comment. He said: “When a young man was dubbed, it was the finest moment of his life. It was the ceremony in which he knew without a doubt he had passed over into a new stage of life.”
Did you know every boy needs that moment? He needs to know that he’s coming over the bar into a new stage called manhood. How does he get there? Did you know there is no moment – unless a Strategic Dad makes the moment?
Here are the 5 characteristics of memorable ceremonies.
1. Memorable ceremonies are costly. The more time, the more thought, the more planning, the more cost -- the better. That is just part and parcel of a memorable ceremony – one goes with the other. The more you invest in it, the grander it is, the greater memory it makes.
2. Memorable ceremonies always ascribe value to the person being celebrated. The fact that you would take the time to go to their wedding, or take the time to show up at their baptism, or take the time to come to their graduation – that’s what makes it meaningful. It ascribes value to the person being celebrated. You created this ceremony in which, by being there with them and going through this enterprise, you’re telling that person, ‘you’re important! That’s why I came. This moment is important. And the circumstances are worth taking the time to ascribe value in this moment to your life.’
3. Memorable ceremonies always employ symbols. Have you noticed that? Weddings have rings. Graduation is symbolized with a cap and gown and a diploma. When a man is promoted in the military, he gets gold bars. When retirement comes, he gets some gift. But it’s a symbol, to remind them of this unforgettable moment. All great, memorable ceremonies employ symbols.
4. Memorable ceremonies involve others who are significant to the person being celebrated. The more the merrier applies here.
5. Memorable ceremonies always empower a life with vision. A wedding empowers a life with the vision of one rather than two. You don’t ever see a guy after a wedding – he’s walked out; standing out there after the wedding has taken place, turning to his friend and saying, ‘does this mean I can’t date?’ That wouldn’t make any sense, would it? Or if it did, it’d be tragic. The point is in the wedding. He understands that he gave his life away, and what this means is ‘I’ve entered a whole new lifestyle, where the goal is two becoming one, not one still shopping around for more.’
The same way when you have a fraternity initiation – it says we’ve changed. You’ve got a whole new social group that you’re committed to. Or a graduation envisions the fact that no longer are you going to be dependent on mom and dad, and having them pay tuition and things like that for you. You’re on your own now. You’ve got to get a job. You have to work.
It’s the same way with a manhood ceremony. A manhood ceremony says to the son, ‘You’re entering a new stage of life. That new stage has some new responsibilities attached to it. It envisions for you a new way of thinking and relating. We’re expecting that of you in this community of men.’ That’s what a manhood ceremony is all about.
A. The Knighthood Model
In the medieval times, knighthood was a lot like a process to manhood. You could draw some of the same common themes between the two, because knighthood was a process – not a birthright. Just like manhood is a process, not a birthright.
To be a knight, you had to go through some rudimentary beginnings as a Page. Basically just be a servant. Then you went through a time when you learned disciplines, as a Squire. Then there came this moment where you had proven yourself to be worthy of being knighted, and so there came this incredible moment where you became a Knight. After that, most Knights, in order to fulfill their calling as a knight, had to attach themselves to some noble ambition. That varied from Knight to Knight – to complete their Knighthood.
Raising boys is a lot like that. There is the “Page” stage before they’re a teenager. It’s where they need to hear some basics. There comes a place where they need to learn disciplines. There’s the “Squire” stage. Then there’s a time when they need to know they’ve become a man. They need to be knighted. Then after that, there’s a time in which they need to be encouraged to take on a noble calling. That needs to be ceremonialized as well.
Knighthood was a high calling in an evil age. If you think about it, knights came out of which age?—The Dark Ages. And they became ‘the knight in shining armor’ for a reason. They were the few men who lived above the age. They stood out. They stood out in valor, in courage, in nobility, in standards, in morality – and they were the ones looked at as the heroes of the age. That’s what real manhood should be about. Real men – authentic men – should stand above in this day and age, too.
Thus, how do you raise your sons to get there? Where they’re living -- not just as a good businessman – but they stand out in their character, and their calling and their involvements and their investments. Sons don’t get there by accident. We think they’re just going to kind of get there. They don’t. A Strategic Father knows that there needs to be a process along the way to point them to that high calling.
B. The Four Ceremonies
The 4 ceremonies to help our sons process through these stages.
1. The “Page Ceremony” of puberty. There comes a moment – in a son’s life –where he crosses over into a change of life at about 13 or 14. A page was a young boy between 7 and 13 or 14. There comes a moment where he needs to be introduced – just like a page – into the rudimentary elements of manhood.
Leading up to their 13th birthday, take time to meet with your sons in the morning -- just the dad and the son – to take them through some basics of the new stage they were about to enter into – these teenage years. James Dobson's Book entitled Preparing for Adolescence is a good resource.
You can get up early in the morning with your son, go out into a quiet place, talk about emotions and changes in his body, Talk about friendships and peer pressure and the things that a teenager is going to face. Of course, one of the subjects there is about sex. Go out to breakfast. Do that with yours boys and time it to finish about the time their 13th (Puberty) birthday was to occur.
- Manhood Definition
Do that and then on his 13th birthday, hold a ceremonial supper/Dinner - just between you and your son, where you go out for that particular occasion. As you sit there together, enjoying a dinner, talk about what it means to become a man.
Introduce your son, for the first time, to the definition of manhood, Let him memorize that definition of what it means to be a man. Say, ‘Son, here’s what I want you to know. From this point on, we’re going to talk about manhood, We’ll talk about rejecting passivity; about accepting responsibility; about leading courageously and believing it all for God’s greater reward. We’re going to talk with that language. I want you to know you can hold me accountable to every one of these things; and I’m going to hold you accountable. We’re going to march together in lockstep.
- A Symbol of Remembrance
In order to memorialize that moment, think of something to give your son as a symbol of that moment. Something that’s going to inspire your son to become a man. Something that your son loves gadgets.
- Ceremonial Prayer
At that Dinner, reached across the table and pray for your son. Lay your hands on him and pray that you would be a dad worthy of him, and that he, over his lifetime, could become an authentic man.
2. The Squire Ceremony of Leaving Home. Somewhere around 20, a knight would finish being a Squire, because up until that time, he was taught the disciplines of what it was going to mean to be a Knight.
- A Gathering of Dads
You can do a public ceremony with a community of men. As your son is going to leave to go to college/University – after high school graduation – you can hold a ‘gathering of dads.’ Take that son out to dinner – an evening together. During that evening, as dads sit around the table, talk to your son about this new adventure he was going to embark on on leaving home. Let each dad share a fundamental principle about the next 4-5 years of University. Have your son think about his college/university graduation that evening. Let dads shared how each went to college/university and the mistakes they made and the foolishnesses that each dad invested ourselves in, that ended up with zero. Let dads share the things that they did well.
- Explanation of The Family Crest
Then let dads press him on 3 points: he would finish college/university with good grades, with good friends and a robust spiritual life. At that point, Share with him the family crest (that he should have seen hanging in your homes all these years).
- The Ceremonial Circle of Prayer with Families
After that big elaborate dinner with atleast 3 dads, then all of you go to one of dad's home, where the wives and everybody – the daughters and the sons are all waiting and hold a party together.
At the end of that time, all of you gather around and put that son in the middle and then let everyone pray over him in order to commission him into this new season of life called ‘college/university.’ That’s the second ceremony.
3. The “Knight Ceremony of College/University Graduation.” It’s when your son finishes college. But a knight had this significant moment, where he joined the round table.
- A Gathering of Men
On this particular occasion, you have an elaborate dinner, except it’s not just the dads who are at the dinner. The other sons who have become men, join the dinner as well.
- Wise Words
Again, there are truths that are imparted on that particular evening. Wise words are spoken and then at the end, there comes the moment this son has waited for, because he’s seen the others.
- The Ring and Commissioning into Manhood
We take a moment where he is given a gift. He opens it up; it’s the same gift for every son. In it is a ring. And this ring has the family crest embossed on the ring.
- The Welcome to the Round Table
The moment that ring goes on his finger, we welcome him into – not just the community of men – but now he gets to join our round table in which to encourage the other sons who are yet to come.
This moment becomes the dubbing. This becomes the moment he can look back on and say, ‘this is the moment where all these men – not just my dad – but these other significant men – ushered me into the community of men. From this point on, they told me that they’re expecting greater things from me; a greater calling, a higher walk, a more noble walk – with more noble standards. They feel that call. Let me tell you, you would feel that call too, if you were there on that evening.
4. The “Oath Ceremony” at marriage. Every knight needed to have a calling? Well, these sons are going to have different callings, but one of the callings probably each one of them will have will concern marriage.
- The Rehearsal
You can hold a rehearsal dinner of the marriage. On the rehearsal evening, have this celebration where everybody’s sharing things. After their friends have shared, Let the 3 dads (In Puberty Ceremony) stand up with this son and his bride-to-be, In a public way, tell the young man’s story because we’ve been involved with him since he was a pre-teenager. Then Let the Dads share the things that they admire about him(the son); and things that they love about him. You also as the dad get to share – publicly again – how much you loves your son and are proud of your son and the things that he’s good at – in front of this great host of friends and family.
Then one of the dads can tell the story of growing into a man and rehearses that moment where he became a man.
But this point, make a statement about calling – because the next day he’s going to be married, and that’s a noble calling.
- The Challenge from Dads to a Lifetime of Courage
That moment, in front of his friends, Dads remind him, That is that he(the son) made a promise to the Dads first – even before he’s going to make a promise to his bride-to-be. He promised the dads that he’s going to reject passivity; and accept responsibility and lead courageously; and expect the greater reward: God’s reward. He promised Dads – his men – his few – but his band of brothers – that he would live by the definition of manhood for a lifetime.
Let the dads, in front of friends and company, remind him that they’re going to hold him to that promise, as well as the noble calling of marriage to which he’s been called.
- The Presentation of the CrestNow, at that moment, the Dads can present to him his own family crest. This is exactly what he gets to hang in his home, so it will sit there and remind him. It will be that silent reminder – that symbol. The next day he’ll get a ring, but on this night, he gets a crest. And that crest is to remind him of his calling to manhood, of which he’s now a part, and yet he still has to fulfill in his own ‘dig’ – because he’s got a dig now.
Those are the
ceremonies that can be performed with your sons in calling them. Now you may say,
‘That just overwhelms me.’ Well, These are just 4 moments along the way. We’re talking about over maybe 20-25 years. There are these 4 moments that
any dad can invest in a son, it will be some of the finest
moments of your life if you do it.
There are some of you who may say “I wish I’d have heard this 20 years ago. My son’s 30 years old. What do I do now?” Let me tell you, it’s never too late. It’s never too late.
Now you may not be able to go back now and do the kind of ceremonies that I’ve just talked about – there’s a whole world of creativity out there. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful thing – even with a 30 or 35 year old son – for you as a dad to say, “you know, I’ve never told my son ‘you’re a man’”. Why not come up with a weekend – just you and your son. Go out and do something. Maybe it’s a great sporting event, or maybe it’s a little mini-weekend – just to be together, where you share with him things that you’ve learned about life, but you give him the hand of manhood. And you say, ‘Son, I just want you to know that you’re a man and I’m proud of you. I love you’. Just that moment could mean everything.
Then there’s some of you who’ve got little sons running around, and you don’t need to employ all this stuff on them right now, but let me tell you, this is a great time to start thinking about how you’re going to call them to manhood and to come up with some creative ceremonies of your own.
You can do all kinds of things. I just want to encourage you to think about this: Men are not born; they’re made, and somebody’s got to get them there. I want you guys to hear me say we need, in this dark age in which we’re living – we need Knights – guys who live above the age and point the way to others of a high and noble calling.
Every Son Needs to Be Initiated into Manhood
To initiate your sons into manhood:
1. Be creative. And every one of you can. Some of you are thinking, ‘Oh, I need more information.’ I recommend Robert's book, Raising a Modern Day Knight. If you want more information and you want to see some other dads’ ceremonies, they’re all in that book. It’s a very simple book; any guy can read it. It will give you some wonderful information about raising your son into being an authentic man
2. Your son will love it. Those moments between you and him where you’re extending the offer of manhood - let me tell you what it’s going to be for those men – those young guys. It will be the finest days – the finest days – of their life.
👍🏽 Robert Lewis
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