Winning #8:What Every Dad Needs to Know

Parenting is one of the greatest assignments a man can ever receive. It is thrilling, rewarding, humbling—and at times, absolutely terrifying.

Think about it: as parents, we participate in creating and shaping human life. God gives us children, and then entrusts them to our care for a season. We are not merely raising children; we are preparing adults who will one day carry values, make decisions, build families, influence communities, and shape the next generation.

That is a breathtaking responsibility.

In this season of our Men of Courage journey, we are turning the curve. We have spent considerable time looking at marriage, husbands, wives, intimacy, communication, and the home. Now we move into another critical dimension of authentic manhood: parenting.

Over the next three sessions, we will explore what it means to be a good dad. We will begin with the big picture, move into a practical year-by-year approach to raising sons and daughters, and finally examine the keys to maximum parenting.

And whether you currently have children or not, this conversation matters. It can help you understand how you were raised, recognize what shaped you, identify what you want to repeat, and determine what you need to change.

Because every man is either carrying forward a legacy, correcting a legacy, or creating a new one.

 

I. HELP, I’M A PARENT!

Fathering the future is both a thrilling and sometimes terrifying assignment.

Many men enter fatherhood with more confidence than preparation. We know how to work. We know how to solve problems. We know how to build things. We know how to make money. We know how to lead teams.

Then a child arrives.  Suddenly, the assignment changes.

There is no employee handbook. No quarterly performance review. No instruction manual that tells you exactly what to do when your three-year-old throws a tantrum, your thirteen-year-old slams a door, or your twenty-year-old makes a decision you strongly disagree with.

Parenting exposes us. It reveals our patience—or lack of it.  It reveals our priorities.  It reveals our fears. It reveals our wounds. It reveals our understanding of leadership.

Most importantly, parenting reveals whether we understand that our children are people to be shepherded, not projects to be managed.

A healthy father does not simply ask, “How can I make my child behave?”

He asks: “How can I help this child become everything God designed them to be?”

That is a completely different question. So, before we get into the details, let's step back and look at what makes a family healthy.

 

II. THE TOP 10 KEY INGREDIENTS FOR A HEALTHY FAMILY

Research into healthy families has consistently identified several characteristics that tend to appear in strong homes. As you read these ten ingredients, do a personal survey.

Put a plus (+) beside the ones that describe your family.

Put a minus (-) beside the ones that represent weaknesses.

Don't just think about the family you have now. Think about the family you grew up in.

Some of your strongest characteristics today may have come from what your parents did right. Some of your greatest struggles may have come from what they did wrong.

The goal isn't condemnation. The goal is awareness.

1. A healthy family is characterized by strong, supportive, and honest communication.

Healthy families talk. They don't merely communicate information; they communicate their hearts. They can tell one another the truth without destroying one another in the process.

There is no constant whispering behind people's backs. There is no culture of fear where everyone is afraid to say what they really think.

In a healthy home, people can say:

"Dad, that hurt me."

"Mom, I don't understand."

"I'm sorry."

"I was wrong."

"I need help."

Honest communication creates emotional safety. And children who grow up in emotionally safe homes learn that truth does not have to destroy relationships.

2. Family members spend a large quantity of time together.

We often talk about quality time. But there is a problem with quality time if there isn't enough quantity time to create it.

You cannot schedule every meaningful conversation. Some of the most important conversations happen while driving, eating, walking, working, travelling, washing dishes, or simply sitting together.

Children need your presence. They need to know that they are important enough for you to give them your time.

3. Family members share a common faith and practice it together.

Faith is not simply something we discuss on Sunday. Healthy families allow faith to become part of everyday life. They pray together.  They worship together. They talk about God. They make decisions based on biblical values. They learn that faith is not merely a religious activity; it is a way of living.

When a person comes into the kingdom of God, heaven rejoices. And when faith becomes part of a family, it can become part of the legacy passed from one generation to another.

4. Family members agree on key values.

Healthy families know what they believe.  They have clarity about what matters. They know what they stand for concerning honesty, integrity, sexuality, work, relationships, money, responsibility, service, faith, and character.

If you don't define your family's values, culture will eventually define them for you.

5. Family members practice love and mutual appreciation.

A healthy home is an encouraging home.  People cheer for one another. They celebrate achievements. They say, “I'm proud of you.” They express gratitude. They notice effort. They don't reserve encouragement only for extraordinary accomplishments.

Sometimes the most powerful words a child can hear are:  “I believe in you.” “I love watching you grow.” “I'm glad you're my son.” “I'm glad you're my daughter.”

6. Family members sacrifice for the good of one another.

Healthy families are not built around individual convenience.  They learn to ask: “What does my family need from me?”

Sometimes love means giving up your preference for someone else's good.  Sometimes it means changing your schedule. Sometimes it means saying no to something you want so you can say yes to your family. Sacrifice communicates value.

7. Family members have common goals and interests.

Families need shared experiences.  They need things they can look forward to together.

A family that plays together, serves together, travels together, works together, learns together, and celebrates together develops a shared story.

Shared experiences become family memories.  And family memories become part of identity.

8. Family members demonstrate trust with one another.

Trust is one of the foundations of a healthy family. A child who grows up knowing, “My parents will tell me the truth. They will keep their word. They will listen. They will protect me,” develops a foundation of security.

But when trust repeatedly breaks down, children can leave home believing that relationships are inherently unsafe.  The family should be the first place where a child learns: People can be trusted.

9. In a healthy family, husband and wife maintain regular marital intimacy.

The research says it’s in the top ten of healthy families. That’s how important that intimacy is.  Regular sex makes a happy home. 

10. In a healthy family, husband and wife form a firm parental coalition.

Mom and Dad don't have to agree about everything.  But they need to be aligned about the fundamental direction of their children's lives. They need clarity about discipline, values, boundaries, education, faith, responsibility, and character.

And here's the deeper question:  Do you not only agree about how to raise your children, but do you agree about what your children actually need?

Because it is possible for two parents to be completely united—and completely wrong.  Unity is valuable. But wise unity is better. The goal isn't simply to agree. The goal is to understand what truly helps a child flourish.

 

III. WHAT YOUR CHILD NEEDS YOU TO KNOW

Imagine for a moment that your child could walk into the room, sit across from you, look directly into your eyes, and speak to you with complete maturity.

Imagine your child saying: "Dad, I love you. I know you're trying. But there are some things I really need you to understand."

What would they say?  Here are ten things.

1. Dad, I need you to know that somebody must be there for me in the early years.

The early years matter enormously.  Children need presence, nurturing, affection, attention, stability, and responsive care.

The point is not to create fear or guilt in parents. It is to awaken responsibility.

A child cannot postpone childhood.  There is no way to go back and redo age three. There is no rewind button for age five. The early years provide a foundation upon which later development is built. That means fathers must resist the temptation to assume that providing money is the same thing as providing presence.

Your child doesn't only need what your paycheck can buy.  Your child needs you. Your voice. Your attention. Your affection. Your protection. Your laughter. Your consistency. Your presence. So if your child could speak, perhaps they would say: “Dad, give me your best in these early years. Don't leave me emotionally alone.”

 

2. Dad, I need a balance of discipline, instruction, and love.

There are different approaches to parenting.

Imagine a simple grid.

One axis represents love—from low to high.

The other represents discipline and instruction—from low to high.

Four broad styles emerge.

i). Neglectful parenting

Low love.  Low discipline. Low instruction. The child essentially grows up without adequate guidance or emotional investment.

ii). Permissive parenting

High love.  Low discipline and instruction.

The parent loves the child deeply but struggles to establish appropriate boundaries.

iii). Authoritative parenting

High love. High discipline and instruction.

This is the healthiest balance. The child experiences both warmth and boundaries. Both affection and accountability. Both freedom and responsibility.

iv). Authoritarian parenting

Low love.  High discipline and instruction. This is the danger zone. Many fathers naturally gravitate here.

Why? Because men often think in terms of action, direction, correction, and solutions.

Dad comes home tired. He doesn't have much emotional energy left. So instead of connecting, he commands. Instead of listening, he instructs. Instead of embracing, he corrects. The child receives direction—but not enough relationship.

And here's the tragedy: A child can obey you and still not feel loved by you.

That's why authoritative parenting is so powerful.  Children need boundaries. But boundaries work best when they are delivered within the context of love.

The biblical principle is profound:  “The greatest of these is love.” Love does not eliminate discipline. Love gives discipline the right context.

 

3. Dad, I need you to know my personality and honor it.

Every child is different.  Even children raised by the same parents can be radically different. One may be bold. Another sensitive. One may be social. Another reflective. One may love competition. Another may prefer quiet creativity. One may respond quickly. Another may need time to process.

A father's mistake is to assume:  “Because I would respond this way, my child should respond this way.” No. Your child is not you.

One of the most important parenting skills is learning to understand the person standing in front of you. If you have an older child, explore personality together. Talk about strengths. Talk about weaknesses. Talk about communication styles. Talk about how they respond to pressure. Talk about what motivates them. And then adjust your parenting accordingly.

A strong-willed child may require firmness without unnecessary confrontation.

A sensitive child may require correction without humiliation.

A cautious child may need encouragement before taking risks.

A naturally confident child may need humility and responsibility.

Know your child. Don't merely raise children. Raise this child.

 

4. Dad, I need you to discover my bent and actively support it.

Proverbs 22:6 gives us the principle of training a child according to the way they should go.

Your child has a bent.  There are gifts, interests, abilities, passions, and inclinations within them.

Your responsibility is not to turn them into a smaller version of yourself.  Your responsibility is to help them discover who God created them to be.

Perhaps your son isn't the athlete you were.  Perhaps your daughter doesn't want the career you imagined. Perhaps your child isn't interested in the family business. Perhaps academics aren't their strongest area.

Maybe they are mechanical.  Maybe they are artistic. Maybe they are entrepreneurial. Maybe they are compassionate. Maybe they are gifted with people. Maybe they are technically brilliant. Maybe they can build things with their hands that you could never build.

Your response should not be disappointment. It should be curiosity. “Tell me more.” The child is not your possession.

The child is a gift entrusted to you.  You are a steward. God gave you that child for a season so that you could help them become what He designed them to become.

 

5. Dad, I need you to know this: too much is too much.

There are at least three areas where fathers can give too much.

i). Too much control can crush a child's spirit or provoke rebellion.

Overcontrol often comes from fear.  You remember mistakes from your own youth, so you become determined to prevent your child from making them. You monitor everything. You control every friendship. You dictate every decision. You impose endless restrictions.

But sometimes, in trying to guarantee the outcome, you destroy the relationship.  Think about holding a small bird too tightly because you are trying to protect it.  Your intention may be good. But your grip can kill what you are trying to protect.

Children need boundaries. But they also need growing responsibility.

ii). Too much money too soon can spoil a child.

Providing for your children is good. Doing everything for them is not.

There is a difference between provision and indulgence.  Children need opportunities to work. They need to learn responsibility. They need to experience consequences.

They need to understand that money represents effort, stewardship, and responsibility.

If every problem is solved with your wallet, your child may never develop the muscles required to solve problems themselves.

iii). Too high expectations can become too much.

Excellence is good.  But perfectionism is destructive. Some fathers communicate an unspoken message: “Whatever you accomplish, it isn't enough.”

The child gets an A. "Why wasn't it an A+?"

They win. "You could have done better."

They achieve.  "What's next?"

Eventually, the child stops celebrating.  They only evaluate.

Colossians 3:21 warns fathers not to embitter their children so that they become discouraged.

There are sons and daughters who are adults today, yet they are still trying to earn a father's approval.  

They have degrees. They have businesses. They have awards. They have money. They have achievements. But inside they still hear: “Higher.”

Dad, your child needs to know something profound: “You are loved before you achieve.”

 

6. Dad, I need you to show me what to believe by living it.

Values are caught more than they are taught. Your children are watching. They are watching how you treat their mother. They are watching how you speak to people who cannot help you. They are watching what you do with money. They are watching whether your private life matches your public faith. They are watching what you do when you are angry. They are watching how you respond when you fail. They are watching whether you apologize. They are watching whether you keep your word.

You can give your children a hundred lectures about integrity.  But if they see you lie, they will learn the lie.

You can teach them generosity. But if they watch you live selfishly, they will learn selfishness.

You can tell them to love God. But if they never see you love God, your words will have limited weight.

Your children don't simply leave home with your instructions. They leave home with your example.

The greatest sermon a father can preach is the life his children watch him live.

 

7. Dad, I need you to know that you can wound me for a lifetime.

A father occupies a unique place in a child's heart. To a young child, Dad is often a hero. That means your influence carries enormous weight.

When you love well, your child experiences that love as something powerful.

But when you betray, abandon, humiliate, abuse, or consistently neglect your child, the wound can run deep.

A child may struggle to reconcile the word “hero” with the father they experience. How can my hero betray Mom? How can my hero never have time for me? How can my hero speak to me with hatred? How can my hero live one way in public and another way at home?

The child doesn't simply conclude, “Dad made a mistake.”  Sometimes they conclude: “Something must be wrong with me.”  That is why fathers must take their influence seriously.

And for men who were wounded by their own fathers, there is another important challenge: don't allow your wounds to become your children's inheritance.

You may not be able to rewrite your childhood. But by God's grace, you can influence the childhood of your children. You can stop the cycle. You can apologize. You can seek forgiveness. You can become emotionally present. You can choose a different legacy.

 

8. Dad, I need you to adjust your leadership style as I grow.

One of the greatest mistakes fathers make is using the same parenting strategy at every age.

Children grow. Therefore, fathering must grow with them.

i). 0–13 — Coach: Directing

When your child is young, they need significant direction.  You are the coach. You protect. You instruct. You establish boundaries. You teach right from wrong. You provide structure. You help them understand the world. At this stage, your child needs you to lead.

ii). 13–18 — Cheerleader/Counselor: Encouraging and problem-solving

Then adolescence arrives. Suddenly, the child who once thought Dad was brilliant begins to question everything Dad says. The eyes roll. The sigh gets deeper. The bedroom door becomes a theological statement. What happened?

Your child is beginning to differentiate from you. They are asking: “Who am I?”  They need space to develop identity.  But they still need you.

The role simply changes. You move from coach to cheerleader. You encourage.  You listen. You ask questions. You help them solve problems instead of solving every problem for them.

iii). 18 and up — Consultant: Listening and supporting

When your child becomes an adult, your leadership must become increasingly invitational.

You don't disappear.  You don't stop caring. But you stop controlling. You become a consultant.

When they invite you into a decision, you bring wisdom.  When they need help, you help. When they need someone to listen, you listen.

Adult children don't need parents who constantly run their lives.  They need parents who remain a safe place to return to.

The goal of parenting is not permanent dependence.  The goal is mature independence within a lifelong relationship.

 

9. Dad, I need you to make some great memories with me to live on.

Children need memories. Not just possessions.  Not just photographs. Not just money. Memories. The family trip. The birthday. The fishing day. The conversation in the car. The joke nobody else understood. The project you built together. The prayer you prayed together. The unexpected adventure. The celebration. The ordinary Saturday that became extraordinary because Dad was there.

Memories become part of the emotional inheritance we give our children.  One day, your children may not remember how much you spent. But they may remember that you showed up. They may remember sitting beside you. They may remember your laughter. They may remember your embrace. They may remember hearing you say: “I'm proud of you.”

So don't postpone family life until you have more money, more time, or a better schedule. Make memories now. Because one day, today will be a memory.

 

10. Dad, I need you to love God and share Him with me.

Children are naturally curious about meaning, purpose, life, death, eternity, and God.  Fathers have a unique opportunity to introduce their children to faith—not merely through religious instruction, but through authentic relationship.

Let your children see you pray.  Let them see you worship. Let them see you read Scripture. Let them see you ask God for forgiveness. Let them see you trust God when life is difficult. Let them see your faith produce humility, courage, generosity, compassion, and integrity. Don't simply tell your children that God matters. Let them see that God matters to you.

Spiritual formation begins not merely with what a father says about God, but with what his life communicates about God.  The child is not asking for a perfect father. They are asking for an authentic one.

 

IV. FINAL THOUGHTS

As we close this first big-picture conversation about parenting, let me leave you with two final thoughts.

i). Children are God's gift to us.

Children are not interruptions to your real life.  They are part of your real life. They are gifts entrusted to you. They bring laughter. They bring responsibility. They expose weaknesses. They stretch patience. They teach sacrifice. They force you to grow. And sometimes, they become the very people God uses to transform you. Your child may need you to teach them. But sometimes God uses your child to teach you.

ii). Children are hard work—but nothing brings greater joy.

Parenting is expensive.  It is exhausting. It is inconvenient. It requires sacrifice. There will be sleepless nights, difficult conversations, mistakes, disappointments, fears, and moments when you wonder whether you're doing anything right.

But there is also a joy that is difficult to describe. There is something extraordinary about watching your child grow into a healthy, responsible, courageous, compassionate adult. Apostle John captured this joy when he wrote: “I have no greater joy than this: to hear that my children are walking in the truth.” 3 John 4:4

Imagine yourself decades from now. You are sitting somewhere quietly reflecting on your life. You look at your sons and daughters. They are standing tall. They are honorable. They are compassionate. They are responsible. They love people. They contribute to society. They know who they are. They have faith. They are making a difference. And suddenly you realize: The greatest thing you ever built wasn't your career. It wasn't your bank account. It wasn't your house. It was the lives God entrusted to you.

That is fatherhood.  That is legacy. That is authentic manhood. And perhaps the greatest compliment your child can ever give you is not: "Dad, you gave me everything." It is: “Dad, you gave me what I needed.”

 

DIE TO LIVE APPLICATION PROJECT — FOR DADS ONLY

Take each of your children (12+ years) individually out on a date to a private location. Ask them two things.

1.   Ask them to evaluate you as a dad. How are you doing with each of them? Ask and then listen. Tell them to be specific about what you do well and what you need to do better.

2.   Ask them to tell you what they think your values are. What values do you do as a dad model most clearly to them? Ask and listen.

Their answers to these two questions will help you know where you stand with your children.

Give each of your children (14+ years) a copy of the personality test.

Ask them to complete the test. Then help them score it and discuss the results with them.

Remember, the sooner you understand their personalities, the better.

  

👍🏽 Robert Lewis

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